Shocked silence held her for a moment and Paul sensed Chani listening behind the heavy draperies into their private apartments.
“I am your wife,” Irulan whispered.
“Let us not play these silly games,” he said. “You play a part, no more. We both know who my wife is.”
“And I am a convenience, nothing more,” she said, voice heavy with bitterness.
“I have no wish to be cruel to you,” he said.
“You chose me for this position.”
“Not I,” he said. “Fate chose you. Your father chose you. The Bene Gesserit chose you. The Guild chose you. And they have chosen you once more. For what have they chosen you, Irulan?”
“Why can’t I have your child?”
“Because that’s a role for which you weren’t chosen.”
“It’s my right to bear the royal heir! My father was—”
“Your father was and is a beast. We both know he’d lost almost all touch with the humanity he was supposed to rule and protect.”
“Was he hated less than you’re hated?” she flared.
“A good question,” he agreed, a sardonic smile touching the edges of his mouth.
“You say you’ve no wish to be cruel to me, yet …”
“And that’s why I agree that you can take any lover you choose. But understand me welclass="underline" take a lover, but bring no sour-fathered child into my household. I would deny such a child. I don’t begrudge you any male alliance as long as you are discreet … and childless. I’d be silly to feel otherwise under the circumstances. But don’t presume upon this license which I freely bestow. Where the throne is concerned, I control what blood is heir to it. The Bene Gesserit doesn’t control this, nor does the Guild. This is one of the privileges I won when I smashed your father’s Sardaukar legions out there on the Plain of Arrakeen.”
“It’s on your head, then,” Irulan said. She whirled and swept out of the chamber.
Remembering the encounter now, Paul brought his awareness out of it and focused on Chani seated beside him on their bed. He could understand his ambivalent feelings about Irulan, understand Chani’s Fremen decision. Under other circumstances Chani and Irulan might have been friends.
“What have you decided?” Chani asked.
“No child,” he said.
Chani made the Fremen crysknife sign with the index finger and thumb of her right hand.
“It could come to that,” he agreed.
“You don’t think a child would solve anything with Irulan?” she asked.
“Only a fool would think that.”
“I am not a fool, my love.”
Anger possessed him. “I’ve never said you were! But this isn’t some damned romantic novel we’re discussing. That’s a real princess down the hall. She was raised in all the nasty intrigues of an Imperial Court. Plotting is as natural to her as writing her stupid histories!”
“They are not stupid, love.”
“Probably not.” He brought his anger under control, took her hand in his. “Sorry. But that woman has many plots—plots within plots. Give in to one of her ambitions and you could advance another of them.”
Her voice mild, Chani said: “Haven’t I always said as much?”
“Yes, of course you have.” He stared at her. “Then what are you really trying to say to me?”
She lay down beside him, placed her head against his neck. “They have come to a decision on how to fight you,” she said. “Irulan reeks of secret decisions.”
Paul stroked her hair.
Chani had peeled away the dross.
Terrible purpose brushed him. It was a coriolis wind in his soul. It whistled through the framework of his being. His body knew things then never learned in consciousness.
“Chani, beloved,” he whispered, “do you know what I’d spend to end the Jihad—to separate myself from the damnable godhead the Qizarate forces onto me?”
She trembled, “You have but to command it,” she said.
“Oh, no. Even if I died now, my name would still lead them. When I think of the Atreides name tied to this religious butchery …”
“But you’re the Emperor! You’ve—”
“I’m a figurehead. When godhead’s given, that’s the one thing the so-called god no longer controls.” A bitter laugh shook him. He sensed the future looking back at him out of dynasties not even dreamed. He felt his being cast out, crying, unchained from the rings of fate—only his name continued. “I was chosen,” he said. “Perhaps at birth … certainly before I had much say in it. I was chosen.”
“Then un-choose,” she said.
His arm tightened around her shoulder. “In time, beloved. Give me yet a little time.”
Unshed tears burned his eyes.
“We should return to Sietch Tabr,” Chani said. “There’s too much to contend with in this tent of stone.”
He nodded, his chin moving against the smooth fabric of the scarf which covered her hair. The soothing spice smell of her filled his nostrils.
Sietch. The ancient Chakobsa word absorbed him: a place of retreat and safety in a time of peril. Chani’s suggestion made him long for vistas of open sand, for clean distances where one could see an enemy coming from a long way off.
“The tribes expect Muad’dib to return to them,” she said. She lifted her head to look at him. “You belong to us.”
“I belong to a vision,” he whispered.
He thought then of the Jihad, of the gene mingling across parsecs and the vision which told him how he might end it. Should he pay the price? All the hatefulness would evaporate, dying as fires die—ember by ember. But … oh! The terrifying price!
I never wanted to be a god, he thought. I wanted only to disappear like a jewel of trace dew caught by the morning. I wanted to escape the angels and the damned—alone … as though by an oversight.
“Will we go back to the Sietch?” Chani pressed.
“Yes,” he whispered. And he thought: I must pay the price.
Chani heaved a deep sigh, settled back against him.
I’ve loitered, he thought. And he saw how he’d been hemmed in by boundaries of love and the Jihad. And what was one life, no matter how beloved, against all the lives the Jihad was certain to take? Could single misery be weighed against the agony of multitudes?
“Love?” Chani said, questioning.
He put a hand against her lips.
I’ll yield up myself, he thought. I’ll rush out while I yet have the strength, fly through a space a bird might not find. It was a useless thought, and he knew it. The Jihad would follow his ghost.
What could he answer? he wondered. How explain when people taxed him with brutal foolishness? Who might understand?
I wanted only to look back and say: “There! There’s an existence which couldn’t hold me. See! I vanish! No restraint or net of human devising can trap me ever again. I renounce my religion! This glorious instant is mine! I’m free!
What empty words!
“A big worm was seen below the Shield Wall yesterday,” Chani said. “More than a hundred meters long, they say. Such big ones come rarely into this region any more. The water repels them, I suppose. They say this one came to summon Muad’dib home to his desert.” She pinched his chest. “Don’t laugh at me!”
“I’m not laughing.”
Paul, caught by wonder at the persistent Fremen mythos, felt a heart constriction, a thing inflicted upon his lifeline: adab, the demanding memory. He recalled his childhood room on Caladan then … dark night in the stone chamber … a vision! It’d been one of his earliest prescient moments. He felt his mind dive into the vision, saw through a veiled cloud-memory (vision-within-vision) a line of Fremen, their robes trimmed with dust. They paraded past a gap in tall rocks. They carried a long, cloth-wrapped burden.