‘The King exaggerates,’ said Janath. ‘Be at ease, Ublala Pung. Welcome, Brys, I was wondering where you’d got to, since I could have sworn you were on my heels only a few moments ago.’
‘What have I missed?’
Bugg said, ‘Ublala Pung was just informing us of, among other things, something he had forgotten. A matter most, well, extraordinary. Relating to the Toblakai warrior, Karsa Orlong.’
‘The slayer of Rhulad Sengar has returned?’
‘No, we are blessedly spared that, Brys.’ And then Bugg hesitated.
‘It turns out,’ explained Janath-as Tehol quickly drank down a few more mouthfuls of water-‘that Karsa Orlong set a charge upon Ublala Pung, one that he had until today entirely forgotten, distracted as he has been of late by the abuses heaped upon him by his fellow guards.’
‘I’m sorry-what abuses?’
Tehol finally spoke. ‘We can get to that later. The matter may no longer be relevant, in any case, since it seems Ublala must leave us soon.’
Brys squinted at the abject Tarthenal. ‘Where are you going?’
‘To the islands, Preda.’
‘The islands?’
Ublala nodded solemnly. ‘I must gather all the Tarthenal and make an army. And then we have to go to find Karsa Orlong.’
‘An army? Why would Karsa Orlong want an army of Tarthenal?’
‘To destroy the world!’
‘Of course,’ interjected Bugg, ‘by my last census there are fourteen hundred and fifty-one Tarthenal now settled on the islands. One half of them not yet adults-under seventy years of age by Tarthenal reckoning. Ublala’s potential “army” will amount to around five hundred adults of reasonable maturity and dubious martial prowess.’
‘To destroy the world!’ Ublala shouted again. ‘I need a boat! A big one!’
‘These sound like heady matters,’ Brys said after a moment, ‘which require more discussion. For the moment-forgive me, Ublala-we are soon to entertain the Malazan high command. Should we not begin discussing that impending meeting?’
‘What’s to discuss?’ Tehol asked. He scowled suddenly down at his cup. ‘Gods below, I’ve been drinking water! Bugg, are you trying to poison me or something? Wine, man, wine! Oops, sorry, Brys, that was insensitive of me. Beer, man, beer!’
‘The Malazans will probably petition us,’ Brys said. ‘For some unfathomable reason, they intend to march into the Wastelands. They will seek to purchase writs of passage-which will involve diplomatic efforts on our part-as well as sufficient supplies to satisfy their troops. King Tehol, I admit to having little confidence with respect to those writs of passage-we all know the inherent duplicity of the Bolkando and the Saphii-’
‘You want to provide the Malazans with an escort,’ said Janath.
‘A big one!’ shouted Ublala, as if unaware that the conversation in the throne room had moved on. ‘I want Captain Shurq Elalle. Because she’s friendly and she likes sex. Oh, and I need money for food and chickens, too, and boot polish to make my army. Can I get all that?’
‘Of course you can!’ replied Tehol with a bright smile. ‘Chancellor, see to it, won’t you?’
‘This very day, King,’ said Bugg.
‘Can I go now?’ Ublala asked.
‘If you like.’
‘Sire,’ began Brys, in growing exasperation, ‘I think-’
‘Can I stay?’ Ublala asked.
‘Naturally!’
‘Sire-’
‘Dear brother,’ said Tehol, ‘have you gleaned no hint of my equanimity? Of course you can escort the Malazans, although I think your chances with the Adjunct are pretty minimal, but who am I to crush hopeless optimism under heel? I mean, would I even be married to this lovely woman at my side here, if not for her seemingly unrealistic hopes?’ Bugg delivered a new mug to the King, this one filled with beer. ‘Bugg, thank you! Do you think Ublala’s worked up a thirst?’
‘Undoubtedly, sire.’
‘Then pour away!’
‘Not away!’ cried Ublala. ‘I want some!’
‘It would give me an opportunity to observe the Malazan military in the field, sire,’ explained Brys, ‘and to learn what I can-’
‘Nobody’s objecting, Brys!’
‘I am simply stating the accurate reasons justifying my desire-’
‘Desires should never be justified,’ Tehol said, wagging a finger. ‘All you end up doing is illuminating the hidden reasons by virtue of their obvious absence. Now, brother, you happen to be the most eligible Beddict-legitimately eligible, I mean-so why not cast wide your amorous net? Even if, by some peculiar quirk on your part, the Adjunct is not to your tastes, there is always her aide-what was that foreign-sounding name again, Bugg?’
‘Blistig.’
Tehol frowned. ‘Really?’
Brys rubbed at his brow, and at an odd splashing sound glanced over at Ublala and saw the man guzzling from an enormous pitcher, a brown pool spreading round his bare feet. ‘Her name is Lostara Yil,’ he said, unaccountably weary, almost despondent.
‘Then,’ demanded Tehol, ‘who is Blistig, Bugg?’
‘Sorry, one of the Fists-uhm, Atri-Predas-in her command. My mistake.’
‘Is he pretty?’
‘I’m sure someone exists in the world who might think so, sire.’
‘Tehol,’ said Brys, ‘we need to discuss the motivations of these Malazans. Why the Wastelands? What are they looking for? What do they hope to achieve? They are an army, after all, and armies exist to wage wars. Against whom? The Wastelands are empty.’
‘It’s no use,’ said Janath. ‘I’ve already tried addressing this with my husband.’
‘A most enlightening discussion, dear wife, I assure you.’
She regarded him with raised brows. ‘Oh? That hardly describes my conclusions.’
‘Isn’t it obvious?’ Tehol asked, gaze flicking from Janath to Brys, to Bugg and hence to Ublala, and then back to Brys once more-and then, with a slight widening of his eyes, back again to the Tarthenal who had just consumed most of the contents of the pitcher and was belching golden froth that ran down his chin. Noting the King’s attention, Ublala Pung wiped his chin and smiled.
‘Isn’t what obvious?’ Janath asked.
‘Huh? Oh, they’re not going to the Wastelands, my Queen, they’re going to Kolanse. They’re just passing through the Wastelands since they no longer have the transports to get to Kolanse by sea. Nor have we the ships to accommodate them, alas.’
‘What do they seek in Kolanse?’ Brys asked.
Tehol shrugged. ‘How should I know? Do you think, maybe, we should ask them?’
‘I would wager,’ said Bugg, ‘they’ll rightly tell us it’s none of our business.’
‘Is it?’
‘Sire, your question encourages me to dissemble, and I’d rather not do that.’
‘Entirely understandable, Bugg. Let’s leave it there, then. Are you unwell, Ublala Pung?’
The giant was frowning down at his feet. ‘Did I piddle myself?’
‘No, that’s beer.’
‘Oh. That’s good, then. But…’
‘Yes, Ublala?’
‘Where are my boots?’
Janath reached out and stayed her husband’s hand as he was lifting his goblet to drink. ‘Not again, husband. Ublala, you informed us earlier that you fed your boots to the other guards in your billet.’
‘Oh.’ Ublala belched, wiped foam from his nose, and then smiled again. ‘I remember now.’
Tehol blessed his wife with a grateful look and then said, ‘That reminds me, did we send healers to the palace barracks?’
‘Yes, sire.’
‘Well done, Bugg. Now then, since I hear the Malazan entourage on its way in the hallway beyond: Brys, how big do you want to make your escort?’
‘Two brigades and two battalions, sire.’
‘Is that reasonable?’ Tehol asked, looking round.
‘I have no idea,’ Janath replied. ‘Bugg?’
‘I’m no general, my Queen.’
‘We need an expert opinion, then,’ said Tehol. ‘Brys?’
Nothing good was going to come of this, Bottle knew, but he also recognized the necessity and so walked uncomplaining in Ebron’s company as they cut across the round with its heaving, shouting throng locked in a frenzy of buying and selling and consuming-like seabirds flocking to a single rock day after day, reliving the same rituals that built up a life in layers of… well, don’t hedge now… of guano. Of course, one man’s shit was another man’s… whatever.