I thought to make some kind of joke, but couldn't.
I sighed. "I see her, when I close my eyes - like she's tattooed there. We knew each other, what, barely even a day? But every second of that day was twice as good as any other second in my life before." I gently extracted myself from Greta's embrace and grabbed my coat from the rack. "Yeah, you could say she got to me."
"Oh, honey...," she straightened my coat, and tugged gently on the collar, "remember what I said, ok? Things might be a little screwy right now, but from what I could tell, I think Kim probably feels the same, so don't completely shut her out."
"I'll remember." I kissed her on the forehead and gave her a crooked grin. "Thanks for letting me stay - see you at eleven?"
"Eleven." She nodded in confirmation, "And if you don't show, I'll assume that 'Stuff' went well." She smiled knowingly and pushed me out the door.
I walked slowly back to my house, ignoring the curious stares from the multitude of brightly clad and heavily laden skiers making their way to the slopes.
I would go and see Kim; I realized I couldn't leave it as we had. I needed to know why - why, if she was involved with someone, she had let things happen; why she hadn't told me. I refused to believe it had all been one sided, that she truly thought of me as a one night thing; maybe that was stupid, but there it was.
Maybe, eventually, we could even be friends.
Jesus, the thought of seeing her and not touching her killed me, but maybe when I'd given it some time, gotten over the hurt, it would be easier.
Maybe, maybe, maybe.
The answering machine showed 4 messages, and my cell - still in its charger where I had forgotten it the previous morning in a lust-induced haze - showed I had missed 3 calls. I checked the answering machine first.
"Darcy, it's Pam. I wanted to see if you were alright - you seemed a little upset when you left, and Kim was a wreck when she came back inside from talking to you...Well, just give us a call when you have a chance, ok?"
The next was from my Aunt Brenna, who was coming to spend Christmas with me. Brenna was pretty much the only member of my family that spoke to me anymore - my mother and father had written me off years ago after I brought home my first girlfriend, and my sister, eleven years my junior, had accepted their opinion of me as gospel, never attempting to find out for herself if I was really the evil lesbian slut they made me out to be.
Brenna couldn't have cared less about my orientation, and had never liked my mother, so for the last few years we had been spending Christmas together, alternating between her house in Sedona and wherever I happened to be.
Damn. With everything that happened, I had forgotten about her. I needed to pick her up at the airport - she hated taking the shuttle. Guess I wouldn't be meeting with Greta after all. I glanced at my watch. 8:37. Her flight came in at noonish, and it was a two hour drive down to DIA, plus parking and walking to the terminal...
The third message played and I caught my breath.
"Darcy?" the voice was barely a whisper, filled with emotion. "It's Kim - please pick up the phone. Please?" There was a pause, and a heavy sigh. "God, Darcy, you make me so crazy...I have to talk to you, and I don't want to do it over the phone. Please, pick up!" Another pause. "Ok, I understand, after what I said and what happened, that you probably don't want to talk to me..."
What she said? I thought with a grimace.
"...I'm so sorry - I know I should have told you about Simone, I don't know why I didn't. I wasn't lying, I had thought about kissing you forever, but I just never expected you to do it...never expected it to feel like that...to be like that..." She took a breath and continued fiercely, "I'm sorry for not telling you I was...seeing someone, but I can't be sorry for what happened - I'll never be sorry for that, Darce, never! Please..."
Beep.
Goddamnpieceofshitshorttapeansweringmachine...I leapt to the phone, as though she were still there, but stopped as the forth message played.
It was Kim again, and she sounded defeated.
"Ok, I guess you don't want to talk...I....I'm leaving tomorrow, my group was the lucky one to pull Christmas duty - someone's gotta take care of all the critters, ya know..."
Kim was in her second year of Veterinary School, and had explained to me about the rotating schedule she and her classmates followed to take care of the long term and overnight patients at the teaching hospital. As I thought about that, what she was saying finally sunk in.
She was leaving.
Tomorrow, she said. That would be today. Now.
I ran from the house, not even bothering to finish listening to her message.
By the time I reached Pam and Ken's place, I had managed to get my panicked self somewhat under control, but if Pam's raised eyebrow at my demeanor was any indication, it wasn't near as under control as I would have liked.
She stared at me as I took a deep breath, willing myself to calm down.
"Is she here?" It came out as a croak and I cleared my throat and tried again. "Did she leave yet?"
Pleasepleasepleaseplease... I was acting ridiculous; she was with someone else, and I had no claim on her, but I wanted to see her so bad my teeth ached.
The look of sympathy on her face told the story, and I felt the shock of it like ice-cold water.
"I'm sorry, Darcy - they left early this morning. She had to be back for rounds at noon..."
"Shit." It was all I could think of to say.
I ran a hand through my hair, then across my face in defeat.
"Shit." I said again. She was gone.
Pam pulled me, unresisting, into the house and sat me down at the kitchen table. I sat quietly, lost in my own self-pity, vaguely aware of Pam's movements in the kitchen behind me.
"Black, right?"
I blinked and nodded as steaming cup of coffee was placed in front of me.
"Thanks," I said perfunctorily, and absently raised the cup to my lips as Pam settled herself in a chair across from me.
She watched me for a while, and I looked back warily, wondering what she was thinking.
"You know," she said finally, "Kim had that exact same expression on her face last night after you left."
"Was that before or after she kissed her girlfriend hello?" The bitter words were out of my mouth before I could stop them, and mentally slapped myself. It wasn't Pam I was angry with.
I winced and started to apologize, but she waved a hand and smiled faintly. "S'ok. You have every right to be angry."
"Not at you, I don't."
She was quiet for a moment, and then shrugged, "Maybe you do. I...I knew about Simone, but I still did all I could to push the two of you together..."
My head snapped up. "You knew?"
She nodded, and had the decency to look uncomfortable. She knew. Which meant that Ken had known also. And Kyle.
I was going to kick that little shit's ass the next time I saw him.
"She and Simone have been on again-off again for a while...Kim hadn't mentioned her in ages, so I thought..." She looked at me, at the anger in my face, and sighed. "I never thought she would behave like that if she were with someone. I honestly believed that Simone was out of the picture, or I would have said something. You two just seemed to hit it off so well, and I haven't seen Kimmie that animated in a long time...I'm sorry, Darce, I really am."
We were quiet for a long time. She stared at her coffee as though it might speak to her, and I stared out the window, wishing I could go back in time, but thinking that if I did, I'd do the same damn thing again - hell, I'd probably do the same damn thing right now, regardless of the consequences.
"Jesus," I said finally and leaned back in the chair, rubbing my neck, "this is so completely fucked up." I glanced quickly at Pam, wondering if I should apologize for my language, but she didn't seem to have heard me.