"Rabies?" Dov was panic-stricken. "But that's just from bites. That rotten little bastard didn't bite me."
"True, but if the squirrel was rabid and some of his saliva got into your system via those scratches ... Would you happen to know if that happened?"
"You want me to figure out if the bloody damn squirrel that ran up my pants was drooling at the time?"
"Well, failing that knowledge, and since we don't have the squirrel itself to examine, I would suggest that you have the inoculations."
"Shots? You want me to have rabies shots? No. No way. I know all about them and they hurt!"
"They don't hurt as much as they used to," the doctor said primly. "But rabies still kills."
"Doctor, let me talk to my brother," Peez said. "I think I can persuade him to take the shots. May we have a moment alone?"
The doctor shrugged. He was busy. "Have them page me when you're ready," he said, leaving the examination room.
"I am not having rabies shots!" Dov declared, clutching his leg. It was almost completely swathed in bandages where the doctor had tended to the squirrel scratches. Pulling his pants back on over all that gauze would be an adventure.
"Shush; you don't need them." Peez laid her hand on Dov's leg and closed her eyes. She began to hum and murmur, swaying back and forth gently. Dov felt a warm, pleasant sensation creeping over his leg, as if he were slowly immersing it in a tropical sea. Peez stopped humming and opened her eyes. "It's okay," she said. "The squirrel wasn't rabid."
"How do you know?"
"A little something I picked up in my travels. Part of it's stuff I learned out in Arizona, part's drawn from things Mr. Bones taught me, but it all boils down to being able to read the body so you can heal it. Your body says it's definitely not harboring any rabies virus, the scratches will be gone in a few days, and for the love of heaven, stop eating all that damn pastrami."
"Thanks, Sis." Dov got off the examining table and started getting dressed. "We've lost enough time over that blasted squirrel. Let's get out of here, grab a cab to Edwina's and do this thing." He stopped wrestling with his trousers when he heard Peez laughing. "And what is so funny?"
"Remember right before that squirrel ran up your pants leg when I said he wanted something only I didn't know what?" she said, still snickering. "Well, now I do know what he was after: bigger nuts. Bwahahaha!"
Dov made a face. "I think I liked you better when you were a virgin."
* * *
The taxi dropped them off outside the gates to Edwina's house. Dov and Peez gazed at the building they hadn't seen in years. After they'd left home, their return trips had gone from compulsory holiday get-togethers bristling with hostility and ill will to grudging individual social calls. In time they'd given up coming at all, except when Edwina sent for them to discuss business matters. Soon even those visits stopped and all such meetings were held via e-mail, fax or phone.
"I never saw the point of coming back here," Dov said. "This never felt like home."
"What did?" Peez said.
"Nowhere." He looked at her. "Nowhere so far. Maybe that's going to change, too. Peez, have you ever seen Miami? It's a neat place. I think you'd like it, and I know a lot of people down there who'd help me show you a good time. How about Thanksgiving? Or before that, if you've got the time."
"I'd like that, Dov." Peez smiled. "But if you came up to New York for Thanksgiving we could see the Macy's parade together. My office has a great view of the route. Oh! And you absolutely have to come up for Christmas! Everyone loves the city lights, whether or not they celebrate the holiday. I have a duplex; you can stay with me."
"I'll tell you what: Why don't we take care of Mom first, then we can decide who's bringing the mince pie, okay?"
There was no problem gaining access to the grounds. Dov's explorations in cyberspace revealed that Edwina did not maintain the kind of security system you could buy through normal channels. When you had magic, who needed burglar alarms? Why defend your grounds when all the stuff worth stealing was inside the house?
The house itself was another story. Dov and Peez both sensed the all-enshrouding presence of warding spells. These were set on "Low," intended to be more deterrent than destructive. If a trespasser couldn't take the hint, there would be stronger stuff awaiting him inside.
Dov deferred to Peez, letting his big sister disarm the wards while he called up a counterspell to create the illusion that the wards hadn't been touched at all. Peez cleverly snagged a couple of scraps from the warding spells before discarding the rest. She slipped them over herself and her brother so that they could enter the house undetected. It was like tearing a camouflage tarp off a tank and using it to mask your own presence. The same wards that discouraged intruders by making them feel as though they were trying to penetrate doors and windows snugly clogged with yard-thick layers of rubber cement also had the power to make surveillance spells rebound.
Once thus concealed from view, there was no reason that Dov and Peez had to play ninja. They waltzed right into the house by the front door, their only precaution being to waltz as quietly as possible. Now all they had to do was locate their mother and spring their surprise.
Where do you think she is? Dov mouthed silently at Peez.
What? She mouthed back.
This time he exaggerated his lip movements: I said, where do you think she is? In the bedroom?
Did you say the bathroom?
Right, right! Pretending to be dying.
Peez nodded. No harm in trying, she agreed, starting to climb the staircase to the upper floors.
Dov followed. He had just set foot on the first step when suddenly, as if from nowhere, a small, round, bushy-tailed shape darted out of the shadows and planted itself right in his path. Beady eyes glittered balefully, teeth like tiny chisels clashed together, and Dov found himself staring into the fuzzy face of doom.
He couldn't help it: He screamed.
Peez whirled around just in time to be the first human being on the face of the planet to hear a squirrel laugh.
"There you are, children," said Edwina. A double crash underscored her appearance. She had thrust aside the sleeve doors of the front parlor (the actual parlor, not the one that was her incognito office) with a dramatic gesture like Samson pushing down the pillars of the Philistines' temple. The thick panels flew aside on their well-oiled brass rollers, making a thunderous noise that was quite impressive.
The squirrel bounded down the stairs and scurried up Edwina's skirt, hopped onto her arm, and clambered onto her shoulder. When she reached up to scratch his belly, he closed his eyes in delight and showed the world that squirrels do know how to purr.
"Ah, Mister Nibbles, what would I ever do without you?" Edwina mused aloud. "Good job." Returning her attention to her children, she added: "Come into the parlor, please. We've been waiting for you."
"And we have been waiting for you!" Dov declaimed, his cheeks still hot with embarrassment. "It's all over, Mom! Your days of deceit are at an end."
"Of course they are, dear," Edwina said placidly, still petting Mister Nibbles. "Shall we have a nice cup of tea to celebrate, now that you've finally arrived? I knew Mister Nibbles would manage to detain you for a time, but I didn't think you'd be this late. Either you took your sweet time treating Dov's leg or else my baby boy still runs to the ER over any little scratch." She turned her back on them and ambled into the parlor.
Dov and Peez exchanged a look that was half bewilderment, half apprehension. "I guess we've learned a valuable lesson here," Peez muttered. "Caffeine is no substitute for genius. She knew we were coming. She knew enough to sic a spy squirrel on us and hold us up so she could make tea! She probably stockpiled enough magic from her own batteries to counter any spells we could throw at her before you even accessed her accounts. Not a lot of punch left to a surprise attack once you take the surprise part away."