‘I mean, it’s not really right – I’m your cousin and I’m a lot older than you…’
‘You still think of me as a child, don’t you?’
‘No, not at all, Leah. I think you’re incredibly grown up… and there’s nothing I’d like more than to make love to you, but don’t you see? Your mum and dad – I have some responsibility to them. They think I’m giving you work experience, looking after you, mentoring you – not seducing you…’
‘Well, you’re certainly not doing that – it seems I’m doing most of the heavy lifting, in case you hadn’t noticed?’
‘Of course I want to, but…’
‘Always some “but”, isn’t there? Do you think I’ve never done it before? Christ, I’ve shagged boys with bigger balls than you.’
‘Leah…’
‘I’m leaving now,’ and slipping her feet back into her shoes Leah reached for her coat and bag and made towards the door.
‘Leah, wait. I’m sorry. Please…’
He watched as the door slammed behind her.
25
Marianne knew that from now on it could only get harder. She knew that Dorrie had spoken to Callum; she had also received a message herself. ‘The champagne is on ice,’ Dorrie had concluded. ‘Tell me that you have abandoned this terrible idea and we will celebrate together.’
The possibility that she might change her mind was, Marianne now realised, a vital straw which friends and relatives had to cling on to. Death is just too final, too incomprehensible; even the most phlegmatic need some wriggle-room, some sense that their goodbye may not be the final word. Even Callum, who was now visiting with Leah, seemed to be sheltering behind the thought that there was still plenty of time for her to change her mind.
It was Marianne who had persuaded Callum to bring Leah with him. ‘You haven’t told her, have you?’ she said to him when he called to say he was coming.
‘No.’
‘Good. It will be my goodbye to her – not the other way around.’ She had no intention of inflicting an emotional scene on the poor girl – she would say nothing to her, but she wanted to see her one last time. ‘Tell her I have a present for her which I meant to give her on her eighteenth birthday but, being the stupid old woman I am, I forgot.’ She did indeed have a present for Leah – a necklace which had belonged to her mother: a string of antique pearls with a large central pearl surrounded by an outer ring of small diamonds.
To give himself an opportunity to see his mother alone, Callum had dropped Leah off in Cambridge to visit a school friend. He waited till Anna had gone, then said, ‘So Anna doesn’t know yet?’
‘Not yet.’
‘Good.’
‘I suppose you think that means that I haven’t finally decided – but you’re wrong.’
‘I see it as an indication you might still change your mind.’
Perhaps I should let him believe that, Marianne thought. Whatever makes it easiest for him also makes it easiest for me. She shrugged. ‘I’ll have to tell her eventually of course – but closer to the time will be better.’
‘You know I’m really not comfortable about this.’
‘I know, darling, but you did say you would support my decision when the time came.’
‘That’s the point – I don’t see that the time has come yet.’
‘Was it Dorrie who prompted you to come today?’
‘Mum – I’m here for myself – but Dorrie made a very strong case that you still have a lot to live for. She’s a good friend to you.’
Poor Callum, thought Marianne, as she listened to his argument. Assaulted on every side. His wife no doubt whispering in his ear that it was high time he let his mother go and if she didn’t die soon there wouldn’t be anything left for them to inherit; now a contrary broadside from Dorrie. Marianne felt wretched that she was putting her son in this invidious position, but she was sure that it was for the best. In a few months he would be grateful for what she was doing.
When Leah arrived on the bus, Callum took the opportunity to go into another room and make some phone calls, while Marianne talked to her about her visit to Cambridge and her life in London. Getting to know at least one of her (great) grandchildren had been a delight which Marianne had never anticipated in the last years of her life. There was something about the girl which seemed to transcend the limitations of her parents: she had managed to avoid both the stolid quality which had always marked out Callum and the aura of discontent which hovered around her mother. Maybe it’s just the energy of youth, she thought, but the girl has blossomed since she’s been in England.
‘Any news on your Cambridge application?’ she asked.
‘No. But it could be, like, the next couple of weeks.’
‘I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.’
‘I’m not that hopeful.’
‘Well, let’s wait and see. And life in London?’
‘Sweet as.’
Marianne raised her eyebrows.
‘Sorry, Gran – that’s Aussie talk. Life’s good.’
‘I gather you are helping Jake with his work?’
‘Yeah, I’m really enjoying it.’
‘And going to the theatre with him, I hear.’
‘Yeah, that was… yeah, a really interesting play. Arcadia – it was like… well, I expect you know it…’
Marianne watched as a blush rose up from Leah’s neck.
‘Do I detect that there is something going on between you two?’
Leah looked uncomfortable and turned to see if her father was anywhere near. ‘Would it be very wrong – I mean, if Jake and I got together, like in a relationship?’
‘Why ever should it be wrong?’
‘I mean with us being cousins and stuff…’
‘Nonsense. You’re quite distant.’
Leah looked at Marianne with gratitude. ‘I know he’s a bit older than I am…’
‘Don’t be silly, Leah – you’re eighteen. Girls of your age used to marry men of forty, sometimes still do. So, do I take it that there is something going on between you?’
‘Well…’
‘Have you shagged…’
‘Gran!’
‘…if that’s the right expression – or am I out of date?’
Leah turned again to look at the door.
‘Don’t look so shocked – even in my day we did it occasionally.’
‘Well, it’s early days – but don’t say anything to Mum and Dad. Especially not to Mum – I know she won’t approve.’
‘I won’t say a word. But if your mother gets difficult about it you can tell her from me that I think it’s absolutely fine. I think Jake is a charming young man and would make an excellent boyfriend for you.’
‘Oh, Gran,’ said Leah, as she knelt to kiss Marianne. ‘You’re such a star.’
What irony, thought Marianne, those years when I wanted Callum to get together with Juliette and now Leah has fallen for Jake. And what if I had been allowed to go on seeing Daniel… And for a moment she was back in her own past – seventy-five years dissolving in an instant – and she was lying in their little hideaway by the cliff, reading to Daniel, reading the French novel he couldn’t understand, while he tried to imitate her sounds, before he rolled on top of her, pressing her down into the grass…
‘Gran?’
Marianne shook herself out of her reverie. ‘Yes, I’m dreaming. Disappearing into my past – I’m afraid it’s what happens when you get to my age. Now I mustn’t forget the main reason I asked you to come today,’ and Marianne reached for the battered green leather jewellery box beside her chair and handed it to Leah. ‘I meant to give it to you for your birthday in April. It’s a little old for you, perhaps, but I hope you will wear it in time.’