He snorted bitterly, knowing the thought for self-pity yet unable to reject it just this once. And if he was being maudlin, what the hell business was it of anyone but himself? Damn it, he was entitled to a little maudlinism!
Amber light strings began to blink above the waiting docking buffers, a sure sign the pinnace was on final with the pilot looking for that visual cue, but White Haven didnt even notice. Or perhaps he did, for the blinking lights took him back to that hideous day fifty years before when the supersonic med flight with its strident, eye-shattering emergency lights had delivered his wifes broken and mangled body to the Landing General trauma center. Hed been there to greet the flight, summoned from his office at Admiralty House, but he hadnt been there to prevent the air car accident, now had he? Of course not. Hed had his "duty" and his "responsibilities," and they were both prolong recipients, so theyd had centuries yet to make up for all the time those inescapable concepts had stolen from them.
But hed been there to see her carried into recognize the damage and cringe in horror, for unlike himself, Emily was one of the minority of humanity for whom the regeneration therapies simply did not work. Like Honor, a corner of his brain thought now. Just like Honoranother point in common. And because they didnt work for her, hed been terrified.
Shed lived. None of the doctors had really expected her to, even with all of modern medicines miracles, but they hadnt known her like White Haven knew her. Didnt have the least concept of the dauntless willpower and courage deep within her. But they did know their profession, and theyd been right about one thing. She might have fooled them by living, and again by doing it with her mind unimpaired, yet theyd told him she would never leave her life-support chair again, and for fifty years, she hadnt.
It had almost destroyed him when he realized at last that the doctors were right. Hed fought the idea, rejected it and beaten himself bloody on its jagged, unforgiving harshness. Hed denied it, telling himself that if he only kept looking, if he threw all of his familys wealth into the search, scoured all the universities and teaching hospitals on Old Earth, or Beowulf, or Hamilton, then surely somewhere he would find the answer. And hed tried. Dear God how he had tried. But hed failed, for there was no answer; only the life-support chair which had become the lifetime prison for the beautiful, vibrant woman he loved with all his heart and soul. The actress and writer and holo-vid producer, the political analyst and historian whose mind had survived the ruin of her body unscathed. Who understood everything which had happened to her and continued the fight with all the unyielding courage he loved and admired so much, refusing to surrender to the freak cataclysm which had exploded into her life.
The horsewoman and tennis player and grav skier from whose brain stem an artificial shunt ran to her life-support chairs control systems and who, below the neck, aside from that, now had seventy-five percent use of one hand. Period. Total. All there was and all there ever would be again, for as long as she lived.
Hed come apart. He didnt know how Emily had survived his collapse, his guilt, his sense of failure. No one could change what had happened to her or make things "right," but it was his job to make things right! It was always anyones job to make things "right" for the people he or she loved, and hed failed, and hed hated himself for it with a bitter virulence whose memory shocked him even now.
But hed put himself back together again. It hadnt been easy, and hed needed help, but hed done it. Of course, it was an accomplishment which had come with a layer of guilt all its own, for hed turned to Theodosia Kuzak for the help hed needed. Theodosia had been "safe," for shed known him literally since boyhood. She was his friend and trusted confidante, and sobrieflyshe had become his lover, as well.
He wasnt proud of that, but hed run out of strength. An Alexander of White Haven understood about duty and responsibility. An Alexander was supposed to be strong, and so was a Queens officer, and a husband, and hed tried to be strong for so long, but he just couldnt anymore. And Theodosia had known that. Shed known he had turned to her because hed had to, and because he could trust her... but not because he loved her. Never because of that. And because she was his friend, shed helped him find the broken bits and pieces of the man hed always thought he was and glue them back together into something which almost matched his concept of himself. And when shed reassembled him, shed shooed him gently away in a gift he knew he could never hope to repay and gone back to being just his friend.
Hed survived, thanks to Theodosia, and hed discovered something along the wayor perhaps rediscovered it. The reason for his anguish, the intolerable burden which had broken him at last, was the simplest thing in the world: he loved his wife. He always had, and he always would. Nothing could change that, but that was what had made his agony bite so deep, the reason he couldnt forgive himself for not somehow making things "all right" again... and the reason hed had to turn to someone else to rebuild himself when the collapse came. It had been cowardly of him, in many ways, but he simply could not have made himself dump his weakness, his collapse on her shoulders while she coped with everything God had already done to her. And so hed run away to Theodosia until Theodosia could heal him and send him back to Emily once more.
Shed known. He hadnt told her, but hed never had to, and shed welcomed him with that smile which could still light up a room... still melt his heart within his chest. Theyd never discussed it directly, for thered never been a need to. The information, the knowledge, had been exchanged on some profound inner level, for just as shed known he had run away, shed known why... and the reason he had come back.
And hed never run away from her again. There had been a handful of other women over the last forty-odd years. He and Emily were both from aristocratic families and Manticore, the most cosmopolitan of the Star Kingdoms planets, with mores and concepts quite different from those of frontier Gryphon or straitlaced Sphinx. The Star Kingdom had its licensed professional courtesans, but ninety percent of them were to be found on the capital planet, and White Haven had availed himself of their services upon occasion. Emily knew that, just as she knew that all of them had been women he liked and respected but did not love. Not as he loved her. After all these years, it was she with whom he still shared everything except the physical intimacy which they had lost forever. His brief affairs hurt her, he knewnot because she felt betrayed, but because it reminded her of what had been taken from themand because of that, he was always discreet. He would never let them become public knowledge, never allow even the hint of a possible scandal to expose her to potential humiliation. But he never tried to hide the truth from her, for he owed her honesty, and "crippled" or not, she remained one of the strongest people he had ever known... and the only woman he loved or had ever loved.
Until now. Until Honor Harrington. Until in some inexplicable fashion, without his ever realizing it, professional respect and admiration had changed somehow, crept inside his guard and ambushed him. However hed given himself away, revealed at least a little of what he felt, he would never, ever have done anything more than that. But he couldnt lie to himself now that she was dead, and what hed felt for her had been nothing at all like his friendship for Theodosia or the discreet professionals with whom hed dealt over the years.
No, it had been far worse than that. It had been as deep and intenseand as suddenas what hed first felt for Emily all those decades ago. And so, in a macabre sort of way which no one else in the entire universe would ever realize, hed betrayed both of the women hed loved. Whatever hed felt for Honor hadnt changed the way he felt about Emily; it had been separate from Emily, or perhaps in addition to his love for his wife. Yet letting himself feel it had still been a betrayal that, in many ways, was far, far darker than his affair with Theodosia had ever been. And by letting some hint of his feelings slip, he had driven Honor off to die.