It took me a while to understand how I was feeling that night. I felt relaxed too. Sluggish almost. I didn’t understand what was happening inside of me. It was more than the fall of my defenses
I felt happy.
Maybe I did feel things after all.
TWELVE
Sweat beaded between my shoulder blades and rolled down my back. I wiped my forehead and scanned the trees again. Maybe it was just the fact that I was out on scouting patrol by myself but I felt uneasy. It felt like something was coming.
While on scouting duty that morning, I happened upon the biggest elk I had ever seen. It had taken three shots to bring it down. Bill and Graye had taken it back to Eden to be prepared to eat that night.
Dead pine needles crunched softly underneath my feet as I circled around the lake. I smelled at the air, searching for any traces of something that didn’t belong. I tried to keep my head in the task at hand but I’d been distracted the last few days.
Everything had changed and yet everything hadn’t. I’d been away from the people of Eden for the most part since that day I had read the notebook, the night West had kissed me, again. I’d been on scouting duty every day and then on watch tower nearly every night.
Despite everything I had learned about myself, everything had gone back to normal. I was still who I was. I hadn’t changed at all. I just knew how I had become the way I was. I was still Eve. As long as I was breathing, as long as I was still in control of my actions and the cybernetic side of me didn’t turn me against myself, I would continue to protect Eden until I took my last breath.
Gaging by the position of the sun above me, I knew it was about time for the scouting switch. I headed back toward the lake. I took a quick bath and walked to Eden in the fading daylight.
I drug my fingers through my tangled blond hair and stepped back into the mass of tents. The scent of something delicious wafted through the air. There was a sense of excitement buzzing around, almost a tangible thing.
“Eve!” Sarah called to me from the clearing in the center. “Come on!”
I made my way through our version of a city, watching as people bustled about. I was confused how everyone wore their nicest clothes; at least what passed for nice these days.
“What’s going on?” I asked her as I observed several women cooking up a food frenzy in our makeshift kitchen area.
“We’re having a party,” Sarah said with a wide smile. “Today is Gabriel’s sixtieth birthday!”
My eyes widened a bit at this and I gave a nod. It was impressive. Not many people lived to see that age anymore. Terrif was the only person older than Gabriel in Eden. Only the strong had survived the Fall.
“Come with me,” Sarah said excitedly as she grabbed hold of my wrist and pulled me in the direction of her and Avian’s tent. “We have to get you ready.”
“What’s wrong with the way I am now?” I asked with only half a voice of protest.
“You may only be part human Eve, but the woman inside of you needs some pampering.”
I wasn’t sure what Sarah was talking about and if I was being honest, I was a little frightened what she might mean. We stepped into the tent and found Avian, just pulling a shirt over his thin but toned frame.
“Out,” Sarah commanded. “I have to get Eve ready.”
I glanced at Avian, ready to give him what I was coming to think of as our smile, but he wouldn’t even meet my eye. “Yes, ma’am,” he said and ducked out without another word.
I stared at the place where he had disappeared with a strange feeling in my stomach. There had been a weird feeling between us the last few days. I had not been around anyone much but I had seen even less of Avian than I had expected. He would hardly even look at me. I realized then that he had been purposefully avoiding me.
“Put this on,” Sarah said as she rummaged through a bag of things. What she thrust at me was a mass of light green material.
“What is this?” I asked, holding it away from me, trying to figure out the answer to my question.
“A dress,” Sarah said with a half-smile as she looked back at me. She herself held something similar, but in a red color.
“A dress?” I questioned as I held the folds up, looking through what must have been the top of it. “It looks more like a small tent.”
Sarah chuckled. “Here, let me help you.”
Despite my protests, Sarah soon had me undressed and into the light green dress. I felt half naked. While it was long enough to cover even my ankles, the thin straps at the top of it felt like it would barely hold it on my frame. The front of it also plunged far lower than felt right, exposing what even I felt embarrassed to see.
“This seems so ridiculous,” I said again as Sarah worked on my hair, twisting and pulling at it.
“It’s part of being human, of being a woman. Or at least it used to be. We’re all clinging to anything we can. Trying not to forget what it used to be like.”
We were quiet for a while as her fingers continued their swift work. I wondered if the fact that it had never been a part of my existence had crossed Sarah’s mind.
“Avian’s been strange lately,” I suddenly said, recalling the cold way he had left earlier. “He’s been avoiding me.”
Sarah paused for a moment. She gave the slightest of sighs before resuming. “He saw you and West the other night. He saw your shadows through the tent.”
My breath caught in my chest for a moment, a rock forming there. “He was watching?”
“He went to talk to you, to make sure you were alright. He was worried because you hadn’t come out all day. That’s when he saw you and West kissing.”
The knot in my chest tightened, the feeling spreading down to my stomach. I wanted to run after Avian, to explain. But what was there to say? West had kissed me, but I had kissed him back. More than that, I had liked it. I had felt something and I wasn’t sure I wanted to stop feeling. But why did I feel so guilty?
“You deserve to be happy, Eve,” Sarah said with another sigh, her hands falling into her lap behind me. “As much as anyone else here, maybe more after all you’ve been through and done for us. But be careful. He has feelings for you, even if he won’t be obvious about them.”
I glanced back at Sarah, having a hard time meeting her eyes for some reason. Hadn’t I really known all along? Hadn’t it been so obvious? The necklace he had given me? Our conversation about the prom, the way we had held hands? The way he had gathered me into his arms upon my return with the syringes? Of course Avian had feelings for me. And he had seen me with someone else.
I shook my head as Sarah shifted to sit beside me. I closed my eyes and hugged my arms.
“Are you alright?” she asked.
I shook my head. “What is happening to me?” I asked. I suddenly felt like I was splitting in two. One part of me feeling like I needed to console Avian, wanting to have the feeling of his hand in mine again. The other half wanting to run to West and grab hold tight enough that I’d never have to let go.
“You’ve got feelings for both of them,” Sarah said softly. Even though I wasn’t looking at her I detected the small smile that was in the corner of her lips. “Love’s a complex emotion, isn’t it?”
“Love?” I said, my brow furrowing as I looked up at her. “There is no place for love in this world anymore. The luxury of love died with the rest of the world.”
“If love dies, that’s when we’ve all truly died.”
I didn’t know what to say for a while, contemplating everything she had said. “I don’t want to hurt him,” I whispered.