Was that what love was? Brief touches and physical assurances of another’s presence? Or was it what that touch made you feel inside? Was it the impression that it left inside of you and stayed with you for as long as you would remember?
Would I ever understand what that word meant?
My stomach felt tight as I noticed the lack of Avian’s presence. He and Victoria had made a brief appearance at dinner before disappearing back into the lamp lit medical tent. Brady scampered around with Wix, laughing at the jokes his apparent babysitter made. The two of them had been spending a lot of time together with Victoria being so preoccupied with Avian.
My eyes found a lone figure, sitting hunched against the light of a small fire. My feet were moving toward it without my head thinking about it.
I sat on the log next to West, close enough my shoulder brushed his as I settled. He glanced over at me briefly. He held a long stick in his hands, stirring the coals that fell of the larger logs.
“Tell me about where you came from West,” I said as my eyes fixed on the flames. Something inside of me felt hollow and I craved something to fill it back in. “What happened after the infection? How did you come into my life after I left yours?”
He stared into the coals and I could envision the images that flashed before his eyes. But what things had he seen that I couldn’t imagine?
“My father Fell first,” he said, his voice low and rough. “It wasn’t any surprise I guess, working and operating on them like he did. He Fell in the second week of the spread. I was kept in solitary when my grandfather realized what has happening. I was locked away in our apartment by myself for two whole weeks.
“A few men broke in through the locked door,” West said as he shifted positions, resting his forearms on his knees. “They were wearing biohazard suits. As if that would have stopped the infection. They said that my grandfather had been infected but that he had told them to come and get me and transport me away. I grabbed my grandfather’s notebook before I was shoved out the door. They took me and a few others to a van and then we just drove. For days.”
I tried to bring up the images that I knew must be in my brain. Somewhere inside there must have been a record of this facility, of the scientists faces, of West’s. But there was nothing.
“I slept most of the drive but I could tell we were a long way from home. Finally, we were let out at a camp. It was very different than this one,” he said with his jaw suddenly stiff. “That camp was filled mostly with military personnel and government officials. I was the only teenager there.
“Everyone had a duty to perform. I suppose like here, but there it was your only reason for existing. They all knew who I was, who my family was. They never said it but they hated me for it. I scrubbed the dishes three times a day till my hands were raw and bleeding. For three years.”
The heat of the day finally gave way to the mercy of the night. A breeze picked up, ruffling my tied-back hair. My eyes ascended to the star dusted sky, resting on the moon as it shone with furious intensity.
“I couldn’t take it anymore,” West continued. “I gathered provisions and just left. I headed northeast, not really sure where I was going, but thinking that even getting infected was almost better than being treated the way I had been.”
I looked over at West with hard eyes. How could real life ever be worse than getting infected? What had they done to him for him to say that?
“I spent probably close to a month traveling on my own. I didn’t see another soul, not a single infected. It nearly drove me mad, being alone like that.
“And then I met two men who had been out hunting. They took what little food I had and brought me back to their camp. There were twenty or so of them. They were survivors but they weren’t a family like here. It was every man for himself first, help your fellow man stay alive second.
“But they knew how to survive. They taught me how to hunt, to survive in the woods. I owe them a lot I guess. They could have just killed me on sight out wandering in the woods,” he glanced over at me with awkward hints of a smile. I saw scars behind that smile. He dodged away from my probing stare back down at the fire.
“It was there that Victoria found us. She was beaten and could barely stand. She had Brady with her, not even able to walk yet. Brady had to grow up in the middle of that group. No child should ever have to learn to live in that setting.
“The group was out on a scouting duty, different from how we do it here. We were sent out in groups, all of us, to collect any food we could find and bring it back. Victoria and Brady were in my group, along with another man. That’s when the raid happened. We heard the blast, even from a few miles away. Our camp was gone. Soon we heard the helicopters and we knew the others were gone too.
“The man who was with us, he heard something coming up on us. He told me to take Victoria and Brady and run. He went back to keep them off our trail.”
West was quiet after that, his eyes resting in the dirt at our feet. I knew the fate of the man who had saved them.
I realized then that life had never been easy for West. In a way he had been shunned his entire life. When he was a child, he had been shut out because of the fact that he was one. And then because everyone had known who he was. I couldn’t blame him for keeping his knowledge and information to himself.
The next morning we both had scouting duty, which meant hunting. Animals were becoming scarce as we brought down more and more of them. The sun blazed overhead, sweat dripped down our backs, and we kept our pace slow and steady.
West walked a few paces ahead of me and I watched him as he moved. He didn’t have the grace and agility that Avian moved with. West was a good two inches shorter as well. But West had a confidence about him that Avian didn’t. He was a self-involved person without being selfish. I wasn’t sure how to describe it but it was almost as if everything in his world was right there with him, contained in his head.
What was it that I felt for West? He could send sparks through me, make my pulse race. He evoked strong emotions in me, not always good ones.
Was that love?
I wished someone could fully explain it to me. I felt lost in this on my own.
I silently caught pace with West and slipped my hand into his. He gave a small glance down at our hands, the faintest hint of a smile cracking on his lips, and turned his attention back to the forest around us.
West’s hand felt warm in mine, his calloused skin rubbing mine. It was a steadying gesture almost, like there was a confidence attached to it that West would always keep me away from danger, even though I could protect myself.
But it didn’t bring on the sense of absolute belonging and comfort that Avian’s hand brought.
The following morning, I pulled West to a stop at the foot of a gigantic evergreen. I looked into his earth-colored eyes, looking for the answers I was desperate for. Was this love between us? A place inside of me hungered for him, wanted him in a selfish way and I listened without hesitation. His lips greeted mine.
Was this burning in my chest love? This overwhelming desire for more, that felt like it would consume me from the inside out?
That night I stayed silent as I crept to the medical tent. Its flaps were tied back again even though today had been much cooler. Avian and Victoria were inside, slowly eating as they sat side by side. They talked quietly in easy conversation, no awkward or tense silences between them.
They looked… happy.
I walked away, an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach. Was this what it felt like to be sick?
I didn’t even realize where I was going until I was at Sarah and Avian’s tent. A lamp softly glowed from within and I pushed aside the flap.