To my amazement, Sarah was propped up slightly, a plate of food in her lap. It was double portions to what the rest of us had been getting.
“You’re alive,” I said. I had had doubts if I would find her to be so.
She gave me a weak smile and a glare as she forked some canned carrots into her mouth.
“I’ve been worried,” I said as I sat down on Avian’s cot across from her. “How are you feeling?”
“I’ve been better,” she said. Her voice sounded terrible.
I stared at Sarah while she ate. She was nothing more than a skeleton now, her skin too loose on her frame. Her hair was a matted mess and truthfully, she smelled off.
“What is the matter, Eve?” Sarah said as she finished the last of her dinner and set her plate down on the bed. “Something is bothering you.”
My eyes stared at nothing as I tried to collect my thoughts. She was right, something was wrong, but I didn’t know where to start. It felt like everything was wrong.
“Does it have something to do with West?” she prompted.
I nodded, my eyes dropping to my hands in my lap. “I’m very confused,” I started. “I don’t understand what it is that I feel for him. I know I feel something I just don’t know what to do with it.”
“Is it bad that you feel something?”
I paused, evaluating her question. “I can’t have both,” I finally said quietly.
“Ah,” she said as she folded her legs and rested her hands between them. “Cause then there’s Avian, huh?”
I gave a slight nod, still not looking up. “Is he in love with Victoria?” I suddenly blurted.
“Victoria?” Sarah sounded startled. “Have they been spending time together?”
“Quite a bit,” I said quietly. “He has been training her.”
Sarah watched my face for a moment. “You’re jealous,” she half whispered.
“Jealous?”
“You don’t like him spending time with her, do you?” she said with the tiniest hint of a smile.
“No,” I said with a relieved sigh before I could think to be more tactful. It was strange that it felt like a relief to realize what I felt in that aspect.
“Do you know what you feel for Avian?” she asked, her voice soft and kind.
I bit my lower lip and shook my head. “I wish I did.”
“How does Avian make you feel?” she asked.
I looked up into Sarah’s eyes. How did Avian make me feel?
“Avian is home,” I finally said, feeling like my chest was swelling. “He makes me feel safe, even though I can keep myself safe. He makes me feel normal, like I’m me. He knows me. He matters, far more than he should to me.”
“And how does West make you feel?”
“Alive, I guess,” I said, an almost frustrated sigh escaping out of my chest. “I feel like I grow when I’m with him but not always in a good way. He pushes me to be more human but then he also brings out the Fallen in me.”
Sarah looked at me, silent with contemplation. I suddenly hoped almost violently that she was thinking of the answers to give me. If only she could lay things out clearly, tell me exactly the things I needed to know.
“I don’t know which one is going to be right for you. You are going to have to learn that for yourself. But I think there is going to be a time that eventually comes when you’re going to realize it in an instant and there’s going to be no question in your mind.”
“Can’t that be right now?” I said wistfully.
She chuckled, shaking her head slightly. That brought on a round of coughing. I helped her lay down and tucked her blankets up under her chin.
“I’d better go. Got to keep prepping for the trek,” I said as I moved to the flap of the tent.
“Trek?” she questioned as she looked after me, her brow furrowing.
I was about to blurt when I suddenly stopped myself. “Never mind,” I said. “Just get some rest.”
Sarah only nodded, too tired to question me further. She rolled to her side and was almost immediately asleep.
I stepped out of the tent and started for my own. I wasn’t even halfway there when a figure moved toward me in the darkness. I was familiar enough with his gait to know it was Avian.
“Hi,” I said, my voice rising in pitch a bit as I stopped a little too suddenly.
“Hi,” he breathed as he stopped just a few feet from me. We stood there in momentary awkward silence. I wanted to walk away, I didn’t want to be around Avian just then for a reason I didn’t understand. But at the same time I didn’t think I could walk away. I was so relieved to see him, to have him notice me.
“How is the training going?” I asked, taking a hard swallow.
“Very well,” he said, his eyes nearly glowing in the moonlight. “Victoria catches on quickly.”
I took another swallow, only able to nod my head.
Again that strange magnetic pull to Avian kicked in and I fought with everything I had to not throw my arms around his shoulders and press my cheek into his chest.
“You haven’t told Sarah we’re leaving,” I said instead.
“No,” he said simply, his voice catching in his throat.
It felt as if my insides had hardened and I could only nod my head again. My eyes dropped to the dirt at our feet and my arms wrapped around my midsection.
Avian placed his warm hand on my cheek and I squeezed my eyes closed as relief flooded my system. I craved more though.
“Things are going to be okay,” he whispered.
My eyes rose to meet his. “I don’t see how,” I quietly said back.
“Somehow they will be,” his eyes burned as he stared back at me.
There were a million things I wanted to say to Avian in that moment. I wanted to tell him that I wanted to know it was him that I wanted. I wanted to tell him that I didn’t want to be alone tonight. I wanted to tell him that in a way I wished it was just him and I that were leaving to go into the unknown.
But how could I say those things when I didn’t even know if he felt the same way anymore?
“Good-night, Avian,” I said quietly as I took a step away from him.
“Good-night, Eve,” he whispered back, his burning eyes following me as I walked away into the dark.
Graye had taken over two of my night watches and I now felt lost at nights. It was difficult for me to sleep at nights now that I had changed my schedule for so long. I wandered the perimeter, feeling restless and idle. If only my vision was better at night. I could be hunting or scouting, or something.
Maybe then I could outrun these feelings I didn’t want to be dealing with.
I didn’t even think to stop myself before I was standing at the entrance of West’s tent. I couldn’t make myself go inside. I could only stand there, feeling like I was being torn in two.
The flap was pushed aside and a half-asleep West poked his head out. “Eve? What are you doing?”
I shook my head. “I’m not really sure.”
“Well don’t just stand there. That’s really creepy,” he said quietly. “You want to come in?”
I hesitated, hating myself at the moment. Had I ever felt hate before? Towards anything other than the Fallen? But I hated what I was doing. I wasn’t sure how to stop myself. “Yes.”
I stepped in, diverting my eyes when I realized West was not wearing a shirt.
“Sorry,” he said when he noticed I couldn’t look at him. He started pulling a shirt on. “It’s hot tonight.”
“We’ll be experiencing even hotter next week,” I said as I looked around the tent for a place to sit. There was nowhere but his bed.
“Next week,” he said as he rubbed a hand over his eyes. “Wow. It hasn’t quite hit me yet.”