“Eden,” Tess said, a hint of a smile in the corner of her lips. “We would love to be members of Eden.”
Avian nodded, a smile on his own lips, as he placed his hand on her knee for just a moment. He then stood and looked at me, his eyes reflecting the private moments we had shared before they had been broken.
We fed Tess and Van as much as we could. Our food supplies had been limited before and adding two people to the mix was going to strain us all the further. But we couldn’t just let them wander in the desert and starve. We were all more human than that.
I got some sleep, lying next to Morgan as she napped, Tess dropping to sleep almost as soon as we finished talking. I dreamed dreams that would have made me blush during the day with alternating fantasies of West and Avian.
When I woke up that evening the rain had still not let up. The clouds were still dumping on us and Tuck told us that unless it let up soon there was no way we were going to be able to drive that night. The windshield wipers didn’t work anymore. Avian was also worried everyone would catch sick if they sat out in the rain on the trailer all night.
Everyone settled down in one tent or another that night, each silently grateful to be able to sleep on stationary ground after two nights on the trailer. I watched as West went to one tent, Avian to another. I stationed myself just outside one of the tents they hadn’t chosen, volunteering as usual, to keep night watch.
As those behind me started breathing the deep breath of sleep, I wondered what was going to happen in our near future. I had told myself that I was going to make a decision by the time we got to our destination, where ever that was going to be. Avian had said we were only two, maybe three solid nights drives away now. After that it was just a matter of finding a place that was safe and secluded. And that had water.
Was I going to be able to make a decision in just a few short days? What was going to happen once I had decided?
I was going to have to forever live knowing how I had hurt one of them. What would happen if I chose West? Could I stand to hurt Avian? Avian would never leave those in Eden, he loved them too much to do that. And he knew they needed him. I would have to see the pain I had caused him on his face every day.
But what if I chose Avian? I wasn’t so sure West could stick around, already feeling like an outsider who no one trusted. Could I turn out the only tie I had to my past?
And what was it even like to be in a relationship? I had watched Gabriel and Leah, Morgan and Eli. Commitment meant sharing a tent every night, meant always having someone to eat with at meals, meant small displays of affection. People like them told each other those three special words I had heard so much about.
I had a hard time imagining myself telling anyone I loved them. Was it even happening for me? Was I falling in love?
Why did being human have to be so hard?
TWENTY-EIGHT
The rain let up an hour before dawn and by the time the sun came up nearly all the moisture on the ground had dried up to little more than tiny puddles.
I met each of their eyes as they came out of their tents. Knowing I couldn’t deal with all my confusing thoughts any more that day, I ducked into one of the tents and pretended I was asleep until I really was.
At first I thought it was a dream, the arguing voices I heard. They spoke in hushed tones but their voices were harsh and biting.
“Do you want to be putting everyone in danger?” As my brain woke I realized it was Avian’s voice I was hearing.
“How do you know it’s me?” It was West’s voice that responded, no surprise. “There’s all sorts of programing in her brain. Who knows what she’s capable of? How she could evolve?”
“Because the only time it happens is when she’s with you!” Avian nearly shouted. “You get her so worked up it sends her into overload and she can’t handle it!”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” West said coldly. “You just want me out of the picture.”
“I’m not going to lie and say I don’t wish you weren’t here,” Avian said, just a little more calmly. “But this isn’t about that. Whatever you’re doing to her is putting us all in danger. You should see that the most clearly, she attacked you!”
“We’ll get this figured out,” West said through clenched teeth. “It’s not like she’s been trying to keep herself away from me all the time. Almost every move has been made by her.”
“Maybe so,” Avian said through clenched teeth. “But she told me herself that she doesn’t think she can ever trust you. How can you expect to have a relationship when trust is absent?”
West didn’t seem to have anything to say in response to that.
“Don’t think you’ve won this,” Avian said quietly.
“I know I haven’t!” West nearly shouted, his voice cracking. “I see every look she gives you, like you’re the center of her entire world. She trusts you so much I can’t even comprehend it! I hate every time I see her slip her hand into yours, the way she looks more human and more at home than I have ever seen her than when she’s with you.
“But I know the way I make her feel when she is with me. I’ve never seen that intensity between the two of you. I make her feel alive in a way you haven’t.”
“Not yet,” Avian said quietly.
I couldn’t take anymore then. This had to end between them, right now, even if I hadn’t made my final decision.
I got to my feet and stepped out of the tent and was around it the next second later.
“Stop it!” I yelled louder than I had meant to. “Stop it, both of you!”
Their faces filled with surprise and mixes of shame and embarrassment, knowing they had been caught and overheard.
“I am not some prize,” I said through clenched teeth. “This is not a war to be won. I know I’ve made a mess of things and I intend to clean it up. But I can’t do it, knowing that at any moment things are going to explode between the two of you. So grow up and get back to what you’re supposed to be doing. Protecting Eden.”
Before either of them could respond, I walked off.
I felt like my blood was boiling. What was their problem? Was I nothing more than a prize? When had this become a competition between them?
Maybe I wouldn’t pick either of them just to teach them a lesson.
If only it could be that easy.
The rest of the day passed painfully slow. There was so little to do and I could only pace our twenty yard perimeter so many times. We all sat around, awkward silences running rampant, just waiting for the sun to fall into the west.
But in the reliability of nature it finally did. We loaded up onto the trailer and kept along our route.
I watched Morgan as she started falling asleep in the cabin of the truck. What a terrifying thing, to have this other life growing inside of you, knowing it counted on you for every little thing. She had to be so careful, to not do anything to upset the balance of its growth. And she was now all the more tied to Eli. They had created a brand new life between them. That was pretty amazing.
Could I be so tied to someone? Not in the way of having children together, I was almost positive that it was not possible for me to have children at all, what with my partially steel interior. But that kind of a connection. Could I handle being so close to someone, to let them into my life like that?
I glanced down at West, supposedly asleep. I tried to imagine a life with him, of committing myself to him. Would it be a lifetime of feeling alive, of living in the fire we created? Or would it turn out to be a life filled with distrust? Of constant arguments where I couldn’t hardly stand to look at him? And was Avian right? Was I going to be putting everyone at risk by being with him? What if being with West meant that I lost myself?