I smiled, and he teased me some more, and told me that if I decided against being a clergyman or a poet, I would make a very good governess.
Friday 29 August
The candles were brought in earlier today, and it made me realize that summer is drawing to its end. Soon it will be time to go back to school. I would rather stay here at Mansfield Park. I confided my feelings to Fanny when we walked together in the grounds, as has become our custom after breakfast, and then I was surprised I had done so. But there is something comfortable about the patter of her little feet next to mine, and something indefinably sweet about her nature that seems to invite confidences. She told me that she would rather I remained at home as well, then looked surprised at her own courage in speaking. I could not help but smile.
‘I will miss my shadow when I have gone,’ I said.
I asked her about her reading and found that she had read the books I recommended, and that she had committed a surprising amount of verse to heart. She is an apt pupil, and I think it will not be long before she ceases to draw down my sisters’ contempt for her lack of learning. I spoke to both Maria and Julia today, telling them they must be kind to her when I am away, and I have wrung a promise from them that they will protect her from the worst of Aunt Norris’s attention. My aunt is very good, but I believe she does not realize how young Fanny is, or how easily wounded. A harsh word, to Fanny, is a terrible thing. And then she is so delicate. She tires quickly and is prone to coughs and colds. I hope the shawl Tom bought her will be enough to protect against winter’s draughts.
Tom was morose when I mentioned that we would soon be back at school, but then he brightened.
‘Only one more year, Edmund,’ he said. ‘Only one more, and then I will be up at Oxford. And in two years we will be there together.’
1802 NOVEMBER
Tuesday 9 November
I wondered what Oxford would be like, and whether I would take to it, but now that I am here I find I am enjoying myself. Tom came to my rooms when I had scarcely arrived and told me he would take care of me. He hosted a dinner for me tonight and it was a convivial evening, though I was surprised to see how much he drank. At home, he takes wine in moderation, but tonight he seemed to know no limit. I held his hand back as he reached for his third bottle, asking him if he did not think he had had enough, and he laughed, and said that he would not listen to a sermon unless it was on a Sunday, and at this his friends laughed, too. I felt uncomfortable but I suppose I must grow used to some wildness now that I am no longer at school.
Wednesday 10 November
Whilst coming back from Owen’s rooms in the early hours of this morning I saw a fellow lying across the pavement. I was afraid he was ill, for I saw that he had been sick but, on approaching him, I smelt spirits and realized he was only drunk. I was about to step over him in disgust when I saw that it was Tom. His mouth was slack and his skin was pasty. His clothes were soiled, which distressed me greatly, for he has always been very particular about his dress. Many a time have I seen him berate his valet for leaving a fleck of dust on his coat or a bit of dirt on his boot, and to see him in such a state...
I tried to rouse him but it was no good, and so in the end I picked him up: no easy feat, for he is a good deal heavier than he used to be, and carried him back to his rooms.
Thursday 11 November
I called on Tom this afternoon and found him sitting on his bed with the curtains drawn, nursing his head. He said he had had a night of it, and that he could not remember how he got back to his rooms. I told him I had carried him.
‘What, so now you are a porter, little brother?’ he said, and laughed, but the laugh made his head ache and he clutched it again.
‘You should not get in such a state, Tom. What would Mama say?’ I asked, hoping that thinking of her would bring him back to his senses.
‘She would say, “Tell Sir Thomas. Sir Thomas will know what to do,” ’ he said, mimicking her. I did not like to hear him making fun of her, but I knew it would do no good to remonstrate with him. It would only make him laugh at me or, if he was in a bad mood, grow impatient.
‘Just try not to drink so much tonight,’ I said.
‘Always my conscience, eh, Edmund?’
‘You need one,’ I told him. ‘As long as you are all right, I will go. I have some work to do before dinner.’
‘You work too hard.’
‘And you do not work at all.’
‘You sound like Papa,’ he said testily.
‘You make me feel like him,’ I returned, and then I felt dissatisfied, for Tom and I have always been friends.
I tried to say something softer but he only cursed me. I saw that there was no talking to him whilst his head was so sore, and so I left him to himself and sought out Laycock instead.
Monday 15 November
Tom called on me this afternoon and my spirits sank, for he only ever comes to my room now to ask for money. He told me that he had lost heavily at cards last night and had exhausted his allowance.
‘It is a debt of honor and I must pay it,’ he said. ‘I need twenty pounds.’
I gave it to him, but I told him that it was the last time I would help him.
‘You might have money to lose, but I do not,’ I said.
‘Why worry? You are already provided for. You will have the Mansfield living when you take orders, and the living of Thornton Lacey as well. You will not be poor.’
‘If I go into the church. I might not.’
‘Oh, what else are you thinking of doing?’ he asked curiously, as he sat down on the sofa and crossed one leg over his knee.
‘That is the problem, I do not know,’ I said with a sigh as I sat down next to him.
‘You take everything too seriously, Edmund.’
‘And you do not take things seriously enough.’
‘Then we make a good pair, for we balance each other’s faults. But do not go into the church if you do not like the idea.’
‘I have not said that I will not, only that I am not sure. There is a lot of good I could do—’
‘You sound like Aunt Norris!’
I shuddered at the notion, and said quickly, ‘Perhaps I may go into the law instead.’
‘A good alternative, for there is decidedly no chance of you doing good there. Papa would find it harder to help you, though,’ he said more seriously.
‘Then I will have to do what everyone else does, and manage on my own.’
‘In that case, you must have your fun now,’ he said, standing up. ‘Come, I insist. Kreegs is having a party at his rooms this afternoon — a sedate party,’ he said, seeing my look. ‘No drinking, no gambling, no women — unless you count his mother and sister. He is entertaining them to tea.’
‘Well...’
‘Miss Kreegs is very pretty,’ he said temptingly. ‘You should marry, Edmund, you are the type. Marry someone as sensible as yourself, then you and your wife can sit at home in the evenings in your slippers, with your noses in a couple of books!’
I punched him playfully and he responded in kind, and before long we were wrestling as we used to when we were at school.
‘Do you ever wish we were boys again?’ he asked.
‘Never,’ I said.
But it was not quite true. Sometimes I wish that life could be as simple as it was when I was at school, when I did not have to decide on anything more important than whether to have an extra slice of pie for dinner, and my problems were no deeper than the difficulties of learning Latin verbs.
‘No!’ he said, but he did not sound convinced. ‘Neither do I.’