That’s when I get up and I run at him, full force. He says “Oof” as I hit him, and he tumbles to the ground in an exaggerated fall. I lie down across him, the same way he did to me, and I try to bind up his legs, but he’s too big for me. He thrashes and he could surely throw me off, but he doesn’t. I count off “One…two…three,” and I jump up with my arms in the air.
The last I remember of the dream is my father picking me up, even though I was a big nine-year-old, and carrying me around the yard. “The champ,” he says. “Meet the champ, Teddy Stanton!” I cup my hands and hold up my arms for an adoring, imaginary crowd.
And now, here in Cheyenne Wells, I’m lying in a bed that isn’t mine and I can feel tears on my cheeks. I sniffle, and then I hold my breath, until I hear Kyle snoring in the bed next to mine. I wipe my cheeks and try not to cry anymore, but it’s no use. I’m not in control of this, and that is a helpless feeling.
I don’t know what it all means. I cannot even remember if what I saw in the dream happened in my real life. I don’t think it did. I’d like to think I would remember a great day like that. I do know that my father found it much easier to be my friend when I was nine years old than he did later, when I wasn’t so young anymore and as he grew more exasperated (I love the word “exasperated”) with my condition. While he was still alive, I would often wish that we could go back to those younger days, and I certainly do now that he’s gone, but it’s impossible to do that unless you’re in the dream world. We didn’t get a chance to work it out when he was alive, and ever since he died three years, one month, and fifteen days ago, I’ve been trying to work it out with my memories. It would be nice to think that his appearances in my dream are an effort on his part to work it out with me, but that requires way too much wishful thinking for my fact-loving brain to handle.
And yet, if I allow myself that wishful thinking, I wonder now whether my father has been guiding me not to a place but to a conclusion. I will try to explain this. Kyle was nine years old when I met him. I’m nine years old in the dreams about my father I’ve been having. When Kyle was nine years old, relating to him was easy for me. He was a friendly young man who made having fun seem easy, who wanted to be my friend when I didn’t really have any friends. When I was nine years old, my father found relating to me to be easy. I didn’t challenge him the way I did in later years, as I began to learn things and feel things that put me at odds with him (and, it’s important to note, as my condition deteriorated before I got the help I needed).
Maybe the memories of my father are telling me this: I won’t have the same relationship with Kyle that I once had. He’s growing up, he’s struggling in his own way as he does, and it’s unfair for me to expect him to be the kid I once knew. Maybe I have to accept that this is who he is now and be friends with him on those terms—or, if neither of us can handle it, not be friends anymore.
That’s a lot of maybes, which means my information is not at all precise. A lack of precision bothers me. Having only theories bothers me. Not knowing where to look for answers bothers me, too.
I will close my eyes now. I will try to get some rest. Tomorrow, I will start fresh where Kyle is concerned (and I will hope he finally talks to me again, as he didn’t from Deer Trail to here). He owes me no money. He can call his mother or not call his mother. He can walk with me or not walk with me. The choices are his. I cannot make him do anything.
I hope we can find our way back to being friends. I will even try to believe in him. Hope and belief have flaws, because you can attach all of your aspirations to them only to find out later that you were wrong.
I prefer facts. Right now, facts are hard to come by.
OFFICIALLY THURSDAY, DECEMBER 15, 2011
From the logbook of Edward Stanton:
Time I woke up today: 4:21 a.m. and then again at 10:36 a.m., a time I hadn’t awoken a single time this year. After putting on a T-shirt and some sweatpants, I went to the lobby for the continental breakfast, but the woman who owns this motel said, “Sorry, breakfast’s over. You have to wake up earlier. You can get something at the Kwik Korner if you want.” Well, crud. (I’m trying not to curse so much.)
High temperature for Wednesday, December 14, 2011, Day 348: 42 in Billings (according to the Denver newspaper, which I find crumpled in the motel lobby). Ten degrees warmer than the high the day before.
Low temperature for Wednesday, December 14, 2011: 20. Same as the low the two previous days.
Precipitation for Wednesday, December 14, 2011: 0.01 inches
Precipitation for 2011: 19.41 inches
New entries:
Exercise for Wednesday, December 14, 2011: Kyle and I had a nice, brisk walk around the shopping center after the debacle with the Denver Broncos fans. Now that we’re no longer driving hundreds of miles a day, I expect to get better exercise.
Miles driven Wednesday, December 14, 2011: 521.1
Total miles driven: 1,724.9
Gas usage Wednesday, December 14, 2011: Filled up in Fort Collins, Colorado: 12.488 gallons at $3.0399 per gallon, for a total of $37.96. I then drove the 230.3 remaining miles to Cheyenne Wells, Colorado, so I will need a fill-up again if I do any significant driving while I am here.
What Kyle owes me for the music he purchased: nothing. He says he won’t pay. If I were to press him for the money, he would owe me $231.
Addendum: Kyle has said four words to me so far today: “The TV here sucks.” I am inclined to agree with him. Kyle has been able to tune in the over-the-air channels from Denver, and that’s it. There is not even basic cable or satellite dish service here. I think I will go talk to the owner of this place.
She was surprised to see us come in last night. She came to the front desk in a robe and said, “I’m sorry for my appearance. Didn’t expect anyone to come in. You’ll be alone here tonight.” She didn’t make small talk, either, which I appreciated. She had me fill out a card with my information, and she took an imprint of my credit card, and she succinctly told us that continental breakfast would be served from 6:00 a.m. to 9:00 a.m. and that checkout was noon. When I told her we’d be staying two nights, she said, “Noon Saturday, then.”
My plans for today:
1. Look around Cheyenne Wells and see if it’s familiar to me. I will do this on foot so I get some good exercise.
2. Drive out into the countryside and see if I can find any of the oil wells that my father’s crew worked on.
3. Try to get Kyle to talk to me, or at least listen while I tell him that we are making a fresh start.
I really want to keep going with my list, because I hate to end on an odd number, but Dr. Buckley is in my head. Say what you need to say and be done. I’m done. I throw the pen across the room and leave.
The woman who owns the motel is unimpressed with my complaint about the poor TV service.
“Do you know how many lodging nights I have a year?” she asks. I hope this is a rhetorical question, because I have no idea where I would get that kind of information. “Last year, it was 2,042. That means that on an average day, fewer than six rooms of this sixteen-room motel are occupied. Further, most of my guests stay one night, not the two that you’re staying. It’s only because the place is bought and paid for that I can afford to keep it running. Licenses for multiple cable or satellite dish receivers are expensive. People can do just fine with the over-the-air channels. People should watch less TV anyway.”