‘You are amazed!’ she cried, delighted by the look on my face, and slipped her arm through mine.
‘You are as rich as a goddess,’ I said.
She nodded happily.
‘Where do you sell it?’ I said, nodding at the stacked shelves.
‘Why do you ask so many questions?’ she said. ‘Why do you need to know such things?’
I had to be careful. If all of this were to save us, I had to remember Nakht’s command. I knew I must take my chance, so I kissed her, and held her in my arms. She gazed at me warily, and finally allowed a wide smile to appear on her face. Her blue eyes shone. I kissed her again. Who was this traitor, who was doing these things? What was this feeling inside him? How could it be pleasure?
She led me out of the building, running with excitement. We cantered quickly away, and then followed a path, bordered with fruit trees and wild flowers, higher and higher, until we turned, and looked down at the valley, illuminated in the midday sun.
And then she pulled a jug of wine from her saddle and, arching her head back so that the red wine flowed expertly from jug to mouth, drank deeply. She wiped her lips, and passed it to me.
We sat on the grass in the sun, and looked down at the great valley of her extraordinary domain. Lying back, the echo of the opium’s golden bliss still alive in my veins, I confess I suddenly felt a terrible temptation to let the weight of my old life fall away, as if into the earth and stones beneath me; all I would need to do would be to allow this strange, golden light in my body to enter my soul.
Suddenly Inanna was astride me, her magnificent hair glowing around her shadowed face as she gazed down. I reached up and held her breasts, then ran my hands down her body. She leaned down to kiss me lightly, her hair brushing my face.
‘What do you see?’ she asked.
‘I see you,’ I replied.
‘You please me,’ she said. And then she laughed, an open, honest laugh of delight. She offered me her hand. I took it, and we rose to our feet. But then she stopped me, and gazed intently into my eyes.
‘But I do not yet trust you. The shadows of the past are still alive in you. I see it. But they will fade, as shadows do. You are here, now. You have awoken to a new world and a new life. You cannot go back.’
I assumed I would be returned to the cell, and to my friends. As we cantered into the stronghold, Inanna leapt from her horse, and shouted orders to her men. I jumped down from my own horse, but even as my feet touched the ground, I was surrounded, and my hands bound with cord. I was pushed into a different cell, and left there for the rest of the day. I shouted out to Nakht and Simut as loudly as I could, but received no reply. I sat with my head in my hands, in remorse at what I had done. The golden bliss had gone, and instead I felt gripped by a terrible new darkness. My body was wretched with tension. I paced the cell, trapped, desperate to be freed, kicking at the walls, trying to think what I could do to save us all, before it was too late.
As the evening light began to fade, the guards came for me; I was bathed once more by the women. The fresh water brought me to my senses. When the women’s backs were turned to me, I grabbed my tunic and slipped away. I ran silently into the passageway, and then across the open ground of the forecourt. I made it most of the way to the cells before the men noticed me. They gave chase, and before I could get to my friends I was tackled to the ground, bound at the feet and wrists, and carried back towards Inanna’s chamber.
Inanna was waiting for me. She seemed unconcerned by my attempt to defy her. She simply melted more opium over the oil lamp, and offered it to me. I refused, but I confess this time my blood cried out for it. Inanna summoned her guards, and they held me down. As soon as the golden calm, the slow bliss, the annihilation of all pain and anger hit me, I felt myself falling with a horrifying gratitude and relief into its beautiful embrace.
32
As we lay together once more, beside the lit lamp, a memory flashed through my mind of men and women, dazed with dreams, lying together in dark shadows. And then suddenly a woman’s face, sorrowful, rose in my mind’s eye, looking at me sadly. It was my wife, Tanefert. A door back to my old life opened briefly, and the pain of what I had done, as I recognized it in her eyes, touched me. But then the golden bliss persuaded me away into its glorious light, I felt my bones soften, my skin become light, and long waves of pleasure began to pass through me.
Much later, I awoke in the dark. The oil lamp had gone out. Suddenly I was certain someone else was in the room. I heard a sound, like a small laugh. I listened to the silence, my nerves straining. The darkness seemed alive, shifting with presences. I sat up.
‘Who’s there?’ I whispered.
Again the strange little sound-laughter, or perhaps something moving in the dark like a tiny animal. My skin prickled. I stared into the blackness, seeing brief stars of light, and passing patterns of colour; and then I made out a small, dark shape standing at the edge of the couch. I stared harder. A little face suddenly swam out of the shadows: my son. Amenmose. He looked at me, and I was so happy to see him; but he was not smiling.
‘When can we go fishing, Father?’ he whispered.
I heard the words, but his mouth didn’t move at all. He began to cry, and as he did so, his face crumbled and began to dissolve before my eyes. Fear like freezing water poured down my body. I leapt up to catch him, but he was gone, vanished; and in the darkness I suddenly discovered something else waiting at my feet. It was heavy. I lifted it up. Khety’s dead head was in my hands. His eyes were shut, but his mouth was wide open, a sticky brick of opium wedged in it, and he was screaming with rage-
Inanna had her arms around me. I was shaking and shouting, my breath jagged, panic trapped like a wild animal in my chest. My legs moved madly, as if spiders were running all over them. I pushed her off, and ran across the room, desperate to escape; I threw the doors open, and ran down a passageway, hitting walls, feeling nothing, until suddenly I found myself in the compound yard. I looked up. The moon was high in the sky. Her bony white light illuminated the figures passed out on the ground; but these began to rise up before me, muttering, their hands reaching out to catch me. I ran towards the compound gates, but suddenly Inanna was standing there before me. I stopped. She came towards me, but I panicked again; then someone gripped me from behind, and dragged me to the ground. I heard myself screaming from far away, and I heard laughter and curses. And then I was trussed like a captured animal by my wrists and ankles, and carried back inside, back into Inanna’s chamber. She made me lie down beside her, and she soothed me. I knew what I needed to restore me to peace: a new draught of golden liquid. She prepared it for me, and like a baby I took it; and I once more let go of the world, and entered the golden light. And somewhere deep inside me, I knew I was now truly lost.
33
‘He is here,’ Inanna said, shaking me awake.
She was already dressed, and the sun was high in the sky. I struggled to come to my senses; every morning when I awoke now, the walls wavered, and the floor rose and fell with each breath. Inanna looked apprehensive. She led me quickly to a smaller chamber, away from her own.
‘Whatever happens, promise me: do not show yourself. Stay hidden here until I return for you. If he finds you…’
For once she looked strangely vulnerable. She kissed me, and vanished from the chamber. Outside, I could hear the shouts of men, the clattering of horses’ hooves, and laughter. I lay back on the couch, and closed my eyes to stop myself feeling sick. But my legs itched with anxiety. I could not keep still. Then, in the blank space in my head, Khety’s face appeared to me again. We were in the dark alleyway in Thebes; he was staring at me, with a look of terrible disappointment. I sat up, feeling a sharp stab of guilt. There was something I had to do.