“I’m a butter-and-garlic man” the puppeteer said. “Why don’t we save the walnut paste for broiling the bastard’s balls?”
“Splendid,” said Master Li.
“Gllgghh!” I said.
Whack! Riiiip! Whack! Riiiip!
“Ox, would you extract the marrow from these?”
“Gllgghh-gllgghh-gllgghh!” I said.
“Don’t bother, I’ll do it. How about a casserole of toes and ears?”
“Maybe with breast meat added,” Master Li said. “Stewed slowly with bean curd, fagara, red peppers, and a lot of mushrooms added at the end.”
“Sounds marvelous,” said Yen Shih. “We have time to make a few sausages, don’t we?”
“Oh, certainly. Here, let’s see what his intestines look like.”
“Gllgghh!” I said.
“Ox, look for some of that mustard from the south that goes so well with sausages!” Yen Shih called out. “I once knew a fellow named Meng Kuan who claimed he bought mustard of Tan and took it home and forgot about it,” he said to Master Li. “The stuff began to grow, and it sprouted a torso, a head, a tail, and four legs, and Meng Kuan swears it bit him and galloped out the door and he never saw it again.”
“What was he drinking?”
“Paint remover, I assume. Speaking of which, is there some way we can disguise the features, yet leave it intact, and serve the grand warden crisp fried face of boyfriend?”
“Gllgghh!” I said.
I staggered back with mustard and a coconut. “You see, Flaccus,” I silently said, “there are times when gentlemen must engage in activities which they normally—”
“Will you look at this fellow’s kidneys and pancreas!”
“Gorgeous! And the liver!
“Eggplant! Ox, we must have eggplant, tomatoes, onions, green peppers, and at least two kinds of squash!”
I dumped bones into cauldrons and boiled them for the broth, and then I pulverized them into a coarse gray powder that I mixed with meal and molasses to make tiny balls, and leaned from the far window and tossed the balls into the moat and watched fish snap at them. The Snake’s clothing went up in flames. His unburnable possessions were melted beyond recognition before joining the bone balls, and drifted down through the water to the accompaniment of piscine burps and belches. Not a trace of the creature remained, except for the succession of splendid dishes that were carried to the grand warden’s table the following evening at the banquet. I lacked the social status to receive an invitation, of course, and so did Yen Shih, but Master Li and Yu Lan were guests of honor, and it was a great comfort for me to know that Yu Lan never ate meat. Master Li could eat anything, including “Twelve-Treasure Five-Taste Herb-Honeyed Unicorn,” which was served to the grand warden as the dish of distinction. (Yen Shih and Master Li had boiled the Snake’s buttocks in an infusion of hibiscus petals, and I had to admit it gave them a lovely shade of blushing pink.) As I said, I didn’t attend. but I did hear satisfied comments from departing guests, including the assessment of two very exalted prelates.
“A bit rich for my taste, but quite well done,” said the High Priest of Yen-men, and his Confucian counterpart put the seal on it.
“Singularly succulent comestibles.”
“Gllgghh,” I said.
12
Master Li pleaded exhaustion, as did Yu Lan, and both excused themselves before the banquet ended in boring speeches. Yu Lan slipped away and put on boy’s clothes for quick movement and blackened her face and hands with soot. She was preparing to help her father, and Master Li and I were perched on a small parapet on the castle wall looking down at the courtyard and the grand warden’s chair in front of Yen Shih’s wagon. The grand warden had not been able to pay proper attention to his food, Master Li told me, since he kept getting reports from search parties scouring the castle for the Snake, and it shouldn’t be long before he’d get anxious enough to lead a party himself. That, said the sage, would give us our chance.
“Ox, we must get our hands on the warden’s cage,” Master Li said urgently. “Those incredible things can apparently project images and sounds across half of China, perhaps even farther, and if we can figure out how they work we may be able to contact the Celestial Master in time to prevent him from getting his throat cut.”
“Would they dare?” I said in a shocked voice.
“From the excited words of the mandarin whose face first appeared, it’s almost certain that the Celestial Master is playing some sort of game to lead them into indiscretion, but I doubt that he grasps the danger,” he said grimly. “Mandarins in danger of losing money will do anything, and in this case they’re also threatened with losing their hides.”
I thought of people like Li the Cat and his servants Hog and Hyena and Jackal closing like rabid rats around the saintly old gentleman, and I shivered.
“Venerable Sir, have you ever heard of anything like those amazing cages?” I asked.
He chewed his scraggly beard thoughtfully.
“Not exactly,” he said. “Su O in his Tu Yang Tsa Pien describes the Mirror of the Immortals he saw in the country of Lin. He said it was a crystal used by physicians, and when a patient stood in front of it he became transparent, so the physician could examine the internal organs or find cracks in bones. Su O is not the most reliable of witnesses, of course, but in this case his story has been confirmed by a reputable source, the Hsi Ching Tsa Chi, which repeats the description with the additional information that the crystal is four feet wide and five feet nine inches tall. Su O also asserts there are smaller portable versions called Discerning Pearls, and that’s as close to the cages as I can get. It seems to me that the operating principle of the one shouldn’t be much different from that of the other, although I could be totally wrong.”
I said we were looking down at the courtyard and Yen Shih’s wagon, in front of which the banqueters were gathered, but I haven’t yet described the wagon in detail. It was huge, and one whole side could be lowered to form a stage with sliding extensions to make it even larger. The canvas top also extended, and a loft ran from one end of the stage to the other. There Yen Shih practiced a craft that approached magic. The loft was a maze of wires and strings and gears and wheels and pulleys and pendulums, and the puppeteer leaped and bounded across bamboo rafters with the agility of a cat as one hand spun this and pulled that, and the other hand manipulated a tangle of wires so fine they were nearly invisible, and below on the stage the lead puppet soared in the leaps and whirls of the Dragon Dance while an entire chorus of puppets pirouetted in the background. (It is literally true that a deranged duke once had Yen Shih arrested for devising a puppet so lifelike it seduced Lady Wu, and only the intercession of the duke’s mother prevented a great scandal.) A battery of bamboo tubes led down to various parts of the stage, through which the puppeteer projected the voices of the characters. In complicated plays Yu Lan would help out from below, hidden behind a screen, providing female and children’s voices and manipulating scenery. Backdrops were painted on canvas panels that could be revolved to give four different views, and Yu Lan could do wonderful things with lanterns.
Master Li told me quite seriously that Yen Shih was the greatest puppeteer he had ever seen, and possibly the greatest who ever lived. I mention this in a fit of self-pity. This was the climax of the evening, and Yen Shih was to perform his masterpiece, and I was going to miss it.
A clash of cymbals brought a great cheer from the audience, and the curtains of the brightly lit stage pulled apart to reveal a famous set: the combined house and yamen of Magistrate Po on the left and the town brothel, Mother Hsien’s House of Joy, on the right. An even louder cheer greeted the first two puppets, Fu-mo (straight man) and Fu-ching (comic), who would warm up the audience before joining the play as major characters. They traditionally swap fast lines that satirize local dignitaries and lampoon current scandals, uttering howls of mock outrage at each sally and bashing each other over the head with pig bladders. Much of the dialogue that drifted up to us meant nothing to me, but roars of laughter from the audience indicated that Yen Shih had done his homework. Then Fu-mo and Fu-ching began establishing their own characters, bemoaning the fact that suspicious householders were resorting to locks and barred doors and fierce guard dogs, and gamekeepers were making poaching a dangerous occupation, and there were practically no purses to pick, and it had been a month since an easily fleeced simpleton had come to town. While this was going on I was trying to put a spell on the grand warden.