She began to have qualms about her behaviour towards him. Perhaps she ought to have rebuffed him, told him not to meddle in her affairs. Nor had there been any need for her to apologise to him the other day for her coldness, really. But, on the other hand, how wonderful it had felt simply to bend to his will! He was so strong and protective, so deeply reassuring to her. It had never entered her mind that he might fall in love with her, ailing, broken creature that she was. It would be a foolish thing for him to do. . but it was probably too late now to try and stop him.
. .
When he called again a few days later, he found her alone in the reception room. The weather was cold, and Eline hardly ever went out with her uncle and aunt due to her cough. She was seated in the Turkish chair by the fire, while outside a driving wind sent the snowflakes whirling against the windowpanes.
‘I was sure I would find you at home; that’s why I came!’ he said, taking a seat. ‘Have your uncle and aunt gone out?’
‘Yes they have; I don’t know where to — some auction I believe, to buy antiques.’
She meant to maintain some reserve in her answers, but his company was so welcome to her that she found it impossible to do so, and in spite of herself she said:
‘It’s lovely to see you again.’
He smiled briefly and made some comments on the purchase of antiques with particular reference to the porcelain items dotted about the room. Then he said:
‘I shall soon be leaving you for an extended period. We are travelling via Cologne to Berlin, and then onward from there.’
She felt her throat tighten.
‘When will you be leaving?’ she asked mechanically.
‘In a few days.’
‘And you will be going all the way to Petersburg, to Moscow?’
‘Yes.’
‘Does Russia attract you?’
He responded somewhat absently, in short, halting sentences. Listening to him, she had to fight back her tears, and his words came to her in a blur when she heard him say, as though interrupting himself:
‘But there is something I wanted to ask you. I wanted to ask you to think of me once in a while, during my absence.’
‘Of course I’ll think of you!’ she said tremulously. ‘You have been so good to me, so kind — and I shall always remember you with pleasure.’
‘Thank you,’ he said softly. ‘It is sad, I find, having to say goodbye so soon to a new acquaintance with whom one has a sympathetic rapport.’
‘Yes, but then life is filled with disappointments, is it not?’
‘I know what you are going to say,’ he went on, following his own train of thought. ‘You are going to say that I can stay in Brussels as long as I please, because I’m travelling for pleasure and can alter my plans at will. Actually, I might even prefer so stay in Brussels.’
She began to tremble all over, but recovered herself in time to murmur:
‘Why should you alter your plans? Why not see what you can of the world?’
‘Because I love you,’ he said calmly, fixing her with his penetrating gaze. ‘And because I dread having to part from you. I would like to remain with you for ever, to care for you and protect you. I shudder to think of leaving you behind, as if something might happen to you while I’m away.’
‘But that’s impossible!’
‘Why impossible?’ he retorted. ‘Why is it impossible for me to be with you for ever, or rather, for you to be with me for ever? Tell me, Eline, why?’
‘Because it cannot be so,’ she replied, weeping.
‘Yes it can! It can, if you love me. You could come with me and I could take care of you; you would be my wife.’
‘And I would make you unhappy!’ she wept.
‘No, no. On the contrary, I would do everything in my power to make you happy, and I am certain I would succeed. Listen to me. I cared about you even before we met, because of what Vincent had told me about you. The first time I saw you I felt sorry for you, because it was so clear to me that you had suffered some terrible grief. I tried to think of some way of making you happy again, but found nothing. Only, during our conversations together I thought you were beginning to look and sound slightly more cheerful. It might have been my imagination, but that was my impression. I also imagined, perhaps out of vanity, that I might have had a hand in lifting your spirits a little. I watched you talking with other people, but with them you appeared to be cool and reserved, whereas with me you seemed quite happy to talk; you even grew confidential. That is when I felt a great longing to dedicate myself entirely to you, because I thought, if I can do that, she might be able shake off her gloomy view of life and be happy again. My darling Elly, you’re still so young, and you think it’s too late for things to change. Don’t think like that any more; put your trust in me, then we can set out together to discover whether life really is as dismal as you believe. Tell me, Elly, will you? Will you let me show you that you have a whole new life waiting for you?’
She sobbed quietly and raised her tear-filled eyes to his, clasping her hands almost beseechingly.
‘Oh, why must you ask me that?’ she cried. ‘Why must you ask me? Why must I hurt you? Not you, too! But it’s impossible; it could never be, not ever.’
‘Why not?’
‘Why not?’ she echoed. ‘Because, even though I’m young, I’m quite broken. Why won’t you believe me? Because everything in me is shattered, because my soul is in ruins.’
‘Eline, there’s no need for such big words. Calm down.’
‘I am not using big words, I am quite calm. I speak with reason, oh, with hopeless reason!’ she cried, standing up to face him. He caught her hands in his. ‘I know what I am saying, and I can’t bear it! Listen to me, Lawrence. You know that I was engaged to be married, don’t you?’
‘Yes. You broke it off.’
‘Yes I did. I broke it off, and yet I loved him. Even when I was writing that final letter telling him it was over, I loved him. Do you realise how awful that is?’
His only answer was a look of bewilderment.
‘You don’t understand, do you?’ she burst out, her hands shaking in his grasp. ‘You have no idea what it feels like to be a woman whose heart is lacerated by the most horrible doubts! I don’t even know what I feel sometimes, or what I want, or even what I’m thinking! You see, there’s a part of me that is undeveloped, incomplete. I’m always racked with doubt, never sure about anything. I loved him — oh, please forgive me saying this to you now, but I loved him so very much, he was so good and he would have given his life for me! And then one day I began to wonder whether I really loved him. I even thought I loved someone else for a time, while I loved no one but him. I know that now, but I discovered it too late, and I may have ruined his life!’
‘Why do you think that, Eline?’
‘I just know it. When I was in The Hague people gave me to understand that he had got over the disappointment. But I never believed them! Now that it’s too late, it has all become clear to me, only now do I realise how much he loved me. And he hasn’t forgotten me; if I had heard that he had married someone else in the meantime, I still wouldn’t believe he had forgotten all about me. I know he still thinks of me, just as often as I still think of him.’
‘Do you still love him?’ he asked dully.
‘Not the way I loved him before. Not any more, Lawrence. I think what I feel for him now is pity more than anything else. But I think of him often. I have his portrait here.’
She opened the locket and held it out for him to see Otto’s likeness. He stared at it.
‘Do you keep it with you at all times?’ he asked softly.
‘Yes, I do,’ she said in a barely audible whisper. ‘Always. It is sacred to me. And that is why, Lawrence — oh, that is why it can never be! The thought of him would always come between us. I could have been happy with you, if it weren’t for that thought haunting me. But I could never be happy while I knew him to be sad, oh, no, I could never do that!’