It was a mistake. I didn’t enjoy being away from Sadie, and trying to work while you’re still expressing milk simply doesn’t work. I nearly knocked it all on the head but then I got a call from my agent. Alice was up and running again. Every instinct told me to pass but it was Barry, bless him; I didn’t realise how worried he’d been about me either. ‘I hadn’t heard anything and she was so late arriving …’ He admitted he’d feared the worst.
It’s hard being a mother in a city with no family around to lend a hand. Mandy helped out a lot but because Brian was on Alice as well, we had to hire a nanny. She was nice but it wasn’t like leaving Sadie with family.
Still, having the nanny gave me a ridiculous amount of confidence. Before I knew it, I’d said ‘yes’ to that year’s Chicago convention on the proviso that the nanny had to come as well.
‘No problem.’
OK, I thought, Have baby, will travel.
Three days before we left, the nanny announced she was pregnant (she must have known before we’d booked the tickets). We got to Chicago and she had a lie down! Pregnancy does some strange things but I was so annoyed. At nine months Sadie was crawling all over the place. I remember getting up one morning, Brian was doing a phone interview – and our daughter was trying to chew through the cables! That’s it, I thought. No more juggling, something’s got to give.
The final straw came a few months later. Lovely Tim Stern, who’d played my husband in Robin Hood at Bristol, introduced me to his wife, Paddy. She was casting director on Emmerdale and she said, ‘We’ve got the perfect part for you.’
At that moment I understood exactly what Oscar Wilde meant about resisting everything but temptation. The habits of twenty years as a freelance actor are hard to give up. So while every fibre in my body was screaming, No, I heard myself say, ‘Tell me more …’
I went up for a meet and greet with the producers and afterwards Paddy came over, scratching her head.
‘Lis, why did you just talk yourself out of that job?’
I thought, Yes, I did, didn’t I?
Physically I’d shown up and done what was required but subconsciously, deep inside, I really didn’t want the job – and that must have shown. I had other priorities – I was now a mother and that needed to come first. And I was so grateful for Paddy picking up on it – I needed more time with my baby before I could even think of work.
* * *
Your priorities change when you’re a parent – the world now revolves around your child. Some people find that easier to accept than others. When we sent out the invitations to Sadie’s christening, Jon and Ingeborg came top of the list. We’d had such a blast with them in the States and Brian and I now considered them both firm friends. Sadly they couldn’t come but sent a darling little dress. I took great pleasure in sending them a photo of Sadie wearing it.
Months later, when I spoke to Barry, he said, ‘You haven’t been in touch with Jon – I think he’s quite hurt.’
You know my number, Jon – pick up the damn phone! I thought.
When you’ve given birth, been ill, and you’re operating on no sleep and trying to spend some time with your daughter, the last thing on your mind is getting the house ready for a dinner party. But Jon had obviously taken offence – he always liked to be thought of as the leader of the pack – and we didn’t speak for quite a while after that. (Once again it would be Who which brought us together again.)
If Jon had been so bothered about seeing Sadie he could have popped round – like Ian Marter did. It was about eight o’clock when the bell rang one night. Sadie had just gone down, Brian was working at the Bristol Old Vic and I was shattered. Oh God, who’s that? I thought.
And it was Ian. It says a lot for how much I loved him that he didn’t get the door slammed in his face. He was as happy and bubbly as ever but he’d changed quite a bit during my pregnancy. He’d bulked up a lot at the gym, which I didn’t think was very healthy for an acute diabetic, but he wasn’t there to talk about himself – he was just desperate to get a peep at Sadie.
‘Oh, Ian, she’s just gone down!’
‘Let me pop up, Lis, I’d love to see her.’
You’ve never seen such a big man creep so silently. He was up there for quite a few minutes, just watching Sadie sleep – I loved him for that.
That was the last time Ian came to our house. In fact, I only saw him one more time. Then in 1986 I took a horrible call saying he’d died. Heart trouble. I was devastated. So was Brian – they’d been such tight friends for a while. The funeral was an incredibly sad affair but his sons were amazing, really strong for their mother. Louise Jameson leant over from the row behind me and said, ‘My God, aren’t they wonderful?’
Ian would have been so proud.
* * *
Ian’s death put a lot of things into perspective. When I ‘retired’, Barry said to me, ‘Don’t walk too far away.’ At the time I didn’t think too much about what that meant.
Until I tried to get back …
Chapter Fifteen
Count Me In
WHEN SADIE started school at four-and-a-half, I went along to work as a teacher’s helper, as you were called then. I would look after the little ones. Best of all, I got to see my daughter in the playground, on all her sports days, in all her plays. I really spent as much time as I could with her. It’s not how everyone chooses to live, of course, but it suited me.
Rarely did I think of work. My agent Todd Joseph had died shortly after Ian. Had he still been around, I think I might have felt more pressure to get back into the business. Left to my own devices, I was happy to drift along outside of it, though.
We were still part of the acting community, however, and every so often a job invite would come my way. Getting a new agent helped. The problem was, casting directors expect you to jump when they say so – they didn’t want to hear about my school work or having to pick Sadie up from here and take her there. I think I shut as many doors in my own face as my new agent, Claire, opened.
But the odd thing did work out. I got a part in The Bill – often said to be the lowest rung of any actor’s professional life. If I couldn’t get on there, I couldn’t get on anywhere! At the time, though, the main thing was that it fitted in with my domestic life. Barely a couple of days’ work in total, but at least I’d put a toe back in the water. Generally, though, I began to realise the industry can be pretty cold to women of a certain age. So, after the next door swung closed, I thought, You know what? I’m fine without it.
It’s fair to say even Sadie had more luck than me. In fact, there was a time when she was the only Miller working! We were at Claire’s agency’s Christmas party and she must have been watching Sadie because she said, ‘Have you ever thought of letting Sadie do something?’
I dismissed this with a laugh but of course Little Miss Big Ears heard. ‘What was that, Mummy? What was that? What? What?’
So I said to Claire, ‘I don’t mind anything that involves a lot of other children. Something small – I don’t want any pressure on her.’