So anyway. Where was I? Oh yeah. The other thing you need to know is that the Royals all live in the same neighborhood. Because we live pretty close together, our parents all know each other and so stuff gets kind of connected between us, you know? Like Chelsey’s dad put in a security system with codes and stuff because he heard from Madison’s dad that a house got broken into on their street. And then he totally drilled into Chelsey that you have to set the system every time you leave the house and he must have told her, like, a zillion times, until Chelsey was all, hey, Madison, tell your dad thanks from me. Madison was like, whatever, because that’s just how parents are — overkill, you know? Then Lauren and Chelsey live right next-door to each other, and Chelsey goes over to Lauren’s house to use the pool a lot because Chelsey doesn’t have a pool. And Lauren’s pool? When her parents re-did the backyard and put it in, they threw this humongous pool party and the whole neighborhood came, including all our families. And everyone was like, ooh, it’s so fabulous, even though the pool area is not fabulous, it’s pretty much the most bizarre thing you’ve ever seen — it’s done up like you’re in India or something, with fake torches and big woven fans and loud fabrics on the furniture and even a big freaking cement elephant in the corner of the patio. But the worst part of it is that spaced out along the pool are these four skinny pillars and on top of each is a granite monkey bigger than a football. One has its hands over its eyes, one has its hands over its ears, one has its hands over its mouth, and one’s making this awful frowny face. My mom said that they mean “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil, have no fun,” and that people thought those kind of monkeys were really hilarious, like, a zillion years ago. I told her I didn’t get it; I just thought they were ugly. Ashley, she said, those monkeys are proof money doesn’t buy taste. And as much as I hate to agree with my mom, she’s totally right.
Anyway, like I said, our families are pretty connected. Like Chelsey’s mom and my mom do yoga together, and Madison’s parents and Lauren’s parents play bridge together on Saturdays, and our housekeeper, Lupe, is the sister of Chelsey’s housekeeper, Consuelo. They’re both from Guatemala. Lupe and Consuelo, I mean. My mom was telling Chelsey’s mom about what a treasure Lupe is, and Chelsey’s mom was all, I’m looking for a housekeeper, and my mom was all, Lupe has a sister — you get the picture.
Okay. So last weekend? Friday night I snuck out and the girls and I went to this party that Mercedes Pearson was throwing. Mercedes is not really the Royals’ type but her brother is a freshman at the university and a bunch of his friends were supposed to be there, so we went. We were all hoping to meet some college guys, except Chelsey, who claimed she wasn’t interested because she’s dating Tanner. Was dating him, I mean. She’s all, no college boy can compete, and we were all, as if! Because Tanner may be going to West Point next fall, but he’s just high school now and he is not all that compared to a college guy. There’s no denying Tanner was the catch of the school when he moved here last fall — clearly the leader of all the guys who are fit to date. You’d think he’d have dated Lauren, but no — he’s been with Chelsey since almost the day he got here. And I totally think Lauren would have loved to have him instead — she’s the Queen, you know, so she should date the King — but I don’t think any of us thought that was an issue because we don’t steal guys, like I said.
Anyway, this party was totally lame. It ended up that it wasn’t even at Mercedes’ house, it was just some booze-fest out at a quarry west of town. Now, come on — the Royals at a quarry? Sitting around on rocks? Madison and I were totally like, let’s just go, but I guess Lauren and Chelsey were having fun because pretty soon it’s, like, four hours later. And Madison and I were like, let’s go, this party sucks. And then two things happened: First, Lauren got really cold because she didn’t wear anything over her Juicy spaghetti-strap top, and second, Chelsey got really drunk on Jägermeister and really, really had to go home. But Tanner couldn’t take her home because she’d told her mom she was out with me. So Madison took Chelsey and me home but Chelsey left her green leather bomber jacket with Lauren ‘cause Lauren was staying and Lauren was cold. And that green leather? It is totally Chelsey’s favorite jacket. I called her the next day and she was kind of ticked because Lauren said she had left the jacket in Tanner’s Jeep. And Chelsey was all, what was Lauren doing in Tanner’s Jeep, and how come she didn’t take care of my coat? And I was all, relax, he probably gave her a ride home, since she didn’t come home with us. But Chelsey was really more ticked that Lauren had forgotten her stupid jacket. So I go, Tanner has it, it’s not like it’s lost, so just chill, okay? And she said, yeah, Tanner said he’d bring it the next time he comes by. Then I told her about how my mom was making me go with her to visit my grandma in Lorna Vista, which was going to be beyond boring, plus it was way too hot for driving, unless it was to the beach or something. Chelsey said, yeah, her parents were going up to Mendocino to see some gallery a friend of theirs was opening and she was supposed to go with them, but she was pretty hung over so she didn’t think she was going to go. I said I wished I could stay home, but it’s not like you can get out of visiting your grandma. I tried; I asked my mom if I could stay home instead and she said, if I have to go see her then so do you. So I told Chelsey I’d probably talk to her Sunday or for sure see her in school on Monday, and that was it. That was the last time I talked to her.
After that, I remember I went downstairs and Lupe was just coming in with some bags from Wal-Mart, because Saturday is one of her days off and she and Consuelo had been shopping. I love Lupe and we totally get along great, so she was showing me these new shoes she got at Wal-Mart. They were these beige low-heel sandals and she was talking about what a bargain they were and I was thinking thank God I don’t have to shop at Wal-Mart and wear ugly shoes like those. But I totally did not say that because I would never be mean to Lupe and she thought they were great and a total bargain. Consuelo got a pair, too. They were on sale because the sizes were so small — Lupe and Consuelo have little feet because they’re Guatemalan. Not that you have to be Guatemalan to have little feet; Chelsey has little feet, too, and she’s not Guatemalan. But anyway, these shoes were, like, extra small and on clearance so they both got a pair, and Lupe is all, isn’t this great? and I was all, yeah, that’s really great, oh, they’re really nice. Then Lupe went up to her room and my mom made me get in the car and go to Lorna Vista, so that blew the rest of my Saturday and most of Sunday, too.