But going home on the subway is hard with all that excitement after a good movie like the girl. And I didn’t stop thinking about her. I wished I had a girl like that blonde girl. She was French.
And it was late because I stayed through two double features though I slept part of the time. And there was this girl sitting right across from me on the D train and only one other man.
She was blonde too and she had on a green dress and her eyes was blue. She had her legs crossed. I could see her knees but that’s all. She reminded me a lot of the movie girl and her hair was long enough to drag across the sand and I thought of it dragging. And her throat. The man choked her in the movie and the girl had a little gold chain on her throat, the girl in the subway I mean.
I looked away whenever she looked at me and pretty soon she uncrossed her legs and pulled her skirt over them. And then after one stop she got up and moved to another seat. I had to lean forward to see her and then it was harder. In the movie he held her by the ankles to pull her across the desert.
And then that blonde girl got up and went right into the next car and I was angry at her. Because I had to move and go into the next car myself before I could see her that time at all. The man kissed that girl when she was dead. It was a four star picture. I never kissed a girl was dead, but once two years ago I got to kiss a girl and other things too. But she was alive.
That girl’s eyes slopped looking straight ahead and no one else came in that car. Her eyes went from side to side looking in all the corners and pretty soon they moved pretty fast though she sat still. And I thought of a funny thing I hadn’t thought of before and that was I didn’t have to go home. I don’t like those green walls there and she wouldn’t come after me, not down five flights of stairs clear from the Bronx. And I knew I could get off when the blonde got off. And just get off and decide what to do after that.
But in the end I couldn’t because of the man. He was a subway man and wore the cap they wear and he came in the car just then to change the sign from Grand Concourse to Coney Island. And when he changed the sign he picked up a Daily Mirror the last man left. He would of gone away then, the guy, except the girl got up and went over to him. I was mad at her again for that.
He looked at me when she talked to him and after that he sat down right in that car and read the Daily Mirror. He was a big guy and I looked at her and then sometimes I felt him look at me.
She didn’t even stand up to go until the train was already stopped and then she picked up her purse and left so fast I had to hurry to get up. She was clear out the doors before I got to them but I would of made it except for that guy. He got up too and put his arm across the doors until they closed and looked at me. Next stop, Bud, he said. And that was all because the train started.
I looked for her other times after that but I never did see her. That was a good movie. Four stars.
But the best I ever saw was last Friday night. And you don’t always get good movies, sometimes only cowboys and I don’t mind them but they don’t make me clench my teeth or nothing happen.
This man on TV made this movie and I watch him Tuesday nights. He shows mystery shows but beforehand he jokes and talks to his brother in a coffin or has a skull or a rope in one hand or something. All the people laugh and sometimes I do too but it makes me mad when they laugh and I don’t understand. I get mad when I don’t understand good.
But I knew this picture would be good because it was cinemascope and technicolor and he made it. I went right after work and I didn’t go home to the old lady. I had orange drink and a hot dog at Nedick’s instead. I saw it twice that night and twice Saturday night because I knew right away he was telling me something, that man, though I didn’t know, not then, what it was. And it was the best I ever saw.
I’m not sure what the story was, stories are hard to figure out. And after the knife I didn’t worry about the story any more or think about it. I just waited until he come again, and he come three times, running in.
And the music made sounds that prickled my skin and hurt my ears when he done that, because it was high up and sharp like screams and I’ve heard it before but never out loud. I didn’t know anyone else ever heard that but the man on TV did and he put it right in the film enough to make you sweat. And I did.
Other people in the movie house screamed. He had a knife and he killed somebody, the first one and that was an old lady. I saw the blood on the knife and some dripping down on the floor and it was technicolor. Her eyes was open too and her hand went down pulling the curtains, it didn’t let go right away. It held on and the knife didn’t stop and you could see her shuddering, it hurt so much. A long knife like for cutting bread and it made you feel like a man but too much water in your mouth so I kept swallowing.
Oh, I can’t stand much more of this, a girl behind me says.
And after the third time he run in there was more talking and then it was over and the lights come on. But I still felt high high up and clenched tight, so hard to sit still. And I knew because of that it was the best I ever saw.
People talked. The girl behind me says Let’s go. She had a voice like a piece of pink ribbon I found once so I listened. And a man says What’s the matter, Beth? Are you scared?
No, she says. It’s disgusting that all. It’s obscene.
And obscene means dirty, like the sign in the post office where you can’t send dirty stuff out in the mail or they catch you. I seen that sign.
You are too seared, the man said.
No, I’m not. I just don’t think they should show a picture like this, there’s something wrong about it. I don’t know why exactly, she says.
So he says well, we’re all adults. Nobody forces us to buy a ticket.
Are we? she says. Well at least they shouldn’t allow children to see this.
And he says Probably not, and then the lights went down.
Let’s go she says again.
Aw come on, he says, we came in the middle, don’t you want to see what happens? So they didn’t go.
When it was dark I turned around to see what she looked like. She was pretty all right but she was frowning. She wasn’t blonde either, her hair was brown and it was cut short. And the man with her had ahold of her hand and he had on a suit and tie with his hair combed nice. He looked like Mr. Munson.
But I forgot them when the show come on. It was even better the second time and the girl in it was a blonde, like that other movie. And she walked around in a black brassiere and high heels talking to a man and I liked seeing her like that. It made me feel like running fast and shouting loud and I couldn’t get my breath. I seen my aunt like that once and others too, but the others only through windows. And I knew later on that girl would be dead like the old lady and blood on the floor and her hair spread out on the rug and it would show blood in it. And I wished he would drag her through the sand a long ways like that. But that was a different movie.
It started right then, when I thought about that and I could feel it starting but nothing happened until he run in the second time with the knife and killed the blonde. Then I couldn’t help myself. Sometimes, like then, it comes too strong. I had to shout and I did shout the way he wanted to. I shouted loud and I could feel the way I bowed back and forth with it.
Someone beside me started to stand up but then the usher came, like they do, and took my arm. So I went with him like I done last time. And he walked me right out the door and I knew it was wrong to shout in the movie like that.
And he looked at me like Jackson and O’Shaughnessy and Mendoza, like they always look.