A feeling of terrific excitement spread through him. A sensation of horror and nausea. He quietly opened the door of his room. His landlady was sitting by the radio with her back towards him. She would certainly recognize him. He moved towards her. Then he saw she was busy crocheting. And she wasn’t even listening to the radio.
He went out of the house. He started walking. He didn’t know where. But he couldn’t stay inside and listen to that machine which at any moment might say more about him.
Off in the twilit distance he could hear the call of the mourning doves. That minor, lonely cry. It reminded him of Crystal Lake. Ruthie, those three days were like heaven...
They had had three days because the Fourth of July had come on a Monday. He had been talking to Ruth about Crystal Lake for a long time and saying she ought to see it. Couldn’t she go out there with him some week end during the summer? Well, she said she’d go out the Fourth of July, but she’d have to take her girl-friend, Mona Duffy. Victor was so happy. He smiled secretly to himself all the time. He thought, if only the boys at the Buscher office could see him now, going off for a week end with this really beautiful girl. They probably thought he went around with some homely little runt. If they could just see Ruth!
That was a memorable week end. He guessed it was the most fun he’d ever had. The Sunset View Hotel was crowded, and there were a lot of gay things going on all the time. They hiked up to the top of Stonyface Hill, and they canoed to the end of the lake. That was at night. And he kissed Ruth once; but when he did he almost upset the canoe, and that made him a little frightened. Ruth just laughed.
Of course, he was pretty sore at Ruth the last night when they were watching the fireworks, because she let that big blond bruiser who had sort of introduced himself come and sit next to her. He could hardly see the fireworks, he was so mad. There were other fireworks going on in his mind. He thought if he had something sharp he could stick it quickly into the big guy’s heart. Even a long penknife would do it. Just quick-like he could do it; the big guy would hardly know what had happened.
Why do I remember all this? What’s the good of remembering it?... If I could only explain things to you, Ruthie! See? It’s like Aunt Gertrude said to me once: “You were conceived in violence, Victor. There wasn’t any love between your mother and father. And if you have any of him in you, you’ll probably end in violence.”... I don’t think Aunt Gertrude ever liked me. She told Mother I looked the color of stale fish...
Victor had been walking miles through the town. He went into a restaurant and ate a big dinner. Afterwards he walked slowly back towards the bungalow. The family were out. He went to bed, after putting his hat and umbrella and small bag in the closet. He slept soundly. Next morning he was anxious to see a New York paper, to read more of Ruth’s diary. It was raining. He took his hat and umbrella and left the house early. He dodged into the little paper store and bought a Sentinel. He stood outside under an awning, reading:
“July 5. Mona and I went to Crystal Lake with Victor Croat for the Fourth. Victor’s awfully sweet to me, the poor lamb. He’s not exactly exciting, but he means so well and tries so hard. Mona says so, too. A big, handsome guy named Norman tried to pick me up. I did look a wow all right in my new flowered formal. And Victor got simply furious. I guess he’s awfully jealous or something. And for such a little squirt he sure has a terrible temper. Anyway it was better than just sitting home with Ma over the Fourth.
“July 16.I lost my job with Green-bay. I’d like to kill the dirty bastard. I cried all last night. Ma said I should have saved some money for a rainy day. But how can you on twenty a week!
“July 27. Oh, God, what a summer! What’s going to become of me! Ma’s so broke, we sometimes go to bed hungry. And I don’t even have enough money for lipstick.
“August 9. Big joke. Last night Victor asked me to marry him. Honestly, I almost laughed in his face. He’s an all right guy to go to the movies with or something; but he’s no one to have to sleep with the rest of your life. Oh Lord, he was shaking all over when he asked me. He sure is serious.”
Victor’s eyes were blurring. He couldn’t see to read any more. He went into the dog-wagon next door. There were two or three customers sitting at the counter. He climbed onto a stool and ordered coffee. He opened the newspaper again.
“August 23.I told Victor I’d marry him. Oh God, what a fool I am. But I’ve got to do something. I can’t go on this way. I’ve got to have some kind of security.”
And he’d been so happy that night. He had taken Ruth out to dinner and bought her wine and everything. And he had thought he was the luckiest man in the world. At last everything had come to him. He’d have a beautiful wife, and they could have a little flat out in Sunnyside and a secondhand car, maybe, on long-term payments. His heart had been flowing over with love and joy.
The radio was going in the dog-wagon. It was too loud. And the static was making sharp, crackling sounds. With a start he became conscious of it talking about him. “The police are searching for Croat in the northern part of Connecticut. He is a small, dark man wearing glasses. He is believed to carry an overnight bag, in which may be the head of Ruth Lansing, which has not yet been found.”
He thought of the overnight bag sitting on the floor of his closet. They might have found it by now. They might be at the bungalow, waiting for him, laying a trap for him. He had one of his weakening spells of terrible fear. He started out towards the opposite end of town. He wouldn’t go back to the bungalow at all.
He walked as fast as he dared through the rain, his legs straining tensely at each step. He reached the edge of the town and kept on going. He turned off onto a small country road that twisted into the woods. He found a very old deserted farmhouse. He crossed through the high wet grass and broke in the rotten kitchen door. He put his umbrella in the corner. There were two rickety chairs. He wiped them off with a piece of his newspaper. Then he took off his wet suit and laid it on one of the chairs. He sat down on the other. He was getting terribly tired.
He opened the paper again to Ruth’s diary. He hadn’t finished it.
“August 28. Nothing ever happens right. I’m scared of what’s happening. Here I am engaged to Victor, and I’m suddenly crazy about Mort Phillips. What can I do? And does Mort really love me? He’s certainly giving me a rush. Mona met him last week. And then she and him and Bill Weyman and I went out on a double date. I didn’t tell Victor, of course. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. I got Victor to buy me a new dress. I just had to have something to wear when I went out with Mort. Oh God, he’s a handsome bruiser! He has something to do with music publishing. And he knows lots of people in the theatre. I’ve always wanted to know somebody like him. Oh God, why do I get myself in such messes? Sometimes I just hate myself. But I’m entitled to a little fun, I guess.
“September 2.I just about decided I wouldn’t see Mort again. I suppose you can’t have your cake and eat it too. But now he has asked me to go to the Park Roof Club with him. And I’ve always wanted to go there. It’s so swell. So I’m going tomorrow night. Then I’ll tell him I can’t see him any more. I don’t think I’d ever get much from him anyway. I know what he wants. When he kisses me, though, I’m lost. What a Romeo!”