He called my name, but it was too late. The door had already closed, and I was heading down the stairs to the first floor. As soon as my feet hit the lobby floor, I sprinted across the room to the exit, not caring that I looked like I was running from the Devil himself. As soon as I made it to my car, I climbed in and tore out of the parking lot.
I barely remembered the drive to Ethan’s house. My hands shook, and my entire body trembled as I pulled into his driveway. I stared at his front door, trying to tell myself what the right thing to do was. I should leave, but I was still in my car. My seat belt was holding me back.
He had no idea that I was sitting out here, watching his house like a crazy stalker. If he did, he’d come out to check on me. He’d smile when he saw me, but I knew his smile would disappear when he saw whatever expression was on my face now. He’d know something was terribly wrong with me. He knew me that well. He’d always known me better than anyone, and after all this time, I knew that was still true.
If I did this, there would be no going back. He would know the truth, and there was nothing I could say, no lie I could tell, that would hide how I really felt. He would never look at me the same again. He’d probably shun me, not that I would be able to blame him. He did have that girl, Danielle, after all, and I had what was left of my marriage with Joey. That should’ve been enough for me, for both of us, but it wasn’t, not even close.
My fingers moved with a mind of their own, shutting off my car and unhooking my seat belt. I opened my car door and stepped out. The cold evening air blasted me in the face, but even it wasn’t enough to bring me to my senses.
I walked up the steps and stopped at his front door. I knocked loudly and waited. I shifted my weight from foot to foot as I tried not to think about what I was about to do.
Finally, the door opened, and there he stood. I took him in, memorizing every inch of him in case this was the last time I ever saw him. He was wearing a hat I’d seen on him several times before—a WVU football cap. It hid his black hair well. His hazel eyes gazed upon me. His full lips turned up into a smile, but it was clear he was confused as to why I had shown up with no notice.
“Caley, what are you doing here?” he asked.
“Is Danielle here?” I asked, ignoring his question.
He shook his head, confusion clear in his expression. “No. Why would she be here?”
It was like fate was trying to push me to do this. If she had been here, I would’ve been forced to think rationally, even if only temporarily.
“Can I come in?” I asked.
He held the door open further and took a step back. “Of course.”
I moved past him, my body shaking with nerves once again.
He closed the door and turned around to face me. “Everything okay, Caley? You seem kind of…odd tonight.”
The concern in his voice was evident. It made me feel even less like a good human being.
“I’m not okay, not at all,” I blurted. Tears burned my eyes, and I fought to keep them at bay.
He stepped closer to me. His expression was one of only concern. “What’s wrong? Did Joey do something? Did he hurt you?”
“I have to do this, just once, or I’ll never forgive myself for not doing it. It’ll haunt me forever. I have to know. Can you understand that?” I asked, barely making sense.
“Do what?” He seemed confused, not that I could blame him.
I stepped closer until he was within reach. I raised my hands and rested them on his firm chest. I pushed until he took a step back and then another. We kept going until his back was pressed against the door.
“What are you doing, Caley?” he asked, his voice hushed.
“Something incredibly stupid,” I whispered as I took one last step forward so that our bodies were pressed together. “Please don’t hate me for this.”
Not giving him time to ask anything else, I pressed my lips against his. He sucked in a breath, obviously caught off guard by my insane actions. I forced my body closer to his, something I’d thought was impossible. With my eyes closed, I continued to move my lips against his, waiting for the moment when he would push me away. I knew he would. It was the right thing to do. It was the only sane course of action.
Only, he didn’t. He didn’t push me away at all. Instead, his lips started moving against mine in the sweetest way. His hands found the small of my back and rested there, the heat from them searing through my shirt.
Guilt should have been crushing me under its weight. I should’ve felt like the most despicable human being alive.
But I didn’t. Instead, I felt alive. I felt weightless. I felt total and complete peace for the first time in so very long.
Ethan moaned, bringing forth a shiver from my body. The shiver was replaced by pure heat so intense that I was sure I would melt right there in his arms.
I wrapped my arms around his neck, and we clung to each other as he deepened the kiss. Our breaths came in panting gasps as we stood there.
Time was lost to us. Nothing outside of us existed anymore. The uncertainty I’d felt since seeing him with her earlier was nowhere to be found.
Finally—moments, weeks, or maybe years later—we broke apart.
I rested my head against his chest, both to hide myself from his penetrating gaze and to give myself time to recover. I hadn’t expected that, not at all.
“What are we doing?” I whispered against his shirt.
“Something we should’ve done a long time ago,” he responded.
I took a step back and looked up at him in surprise. He was gazing at me with such intensity that I stopped breathing. He didn’t look as if he hated the sight of me—no, not at all. His gaze told me everything I needed to know.
He wanted me, too.
“What did you just say?” she whispered, a look of disbelief on her delicate face.
“You heard me,” I said, not looking away from her.
Nothing in this world could have caused me to tear my gaze away. If I did, I feared she would disappear—or worse, I would wake up and realize this had been nothing more than a dream.
“I don’t understand,” she said. “This wasn’t supposed to go like this.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
She shook her head. “I thought—no, I hoped that I would come here and realize I had only imagined the way I felt about you. Then, I could go home and forget all the craziness I’d felt today.”
“Sorry to disappoint you.” Even I heard the coldness of my words. I winced. “I really didn’t mean for it to sound like that.”
“No, you really did,” she said, but she wasn’t upset.
“You hoped that I would squash any advance you made toward me, that I’d tell you that whatever you thought you felt wasn’t real. You never expected me to kiss you back. I’m sure the thought of me caring about you the way you care about me never even crossed your mind, did it?”
She shook her head, her face a mask of shock. The thought that I could care for her the way she cared for me really hadn’t crossed her mind at all.
“You’re so broken, Caley. I don’t know how you can’t see it. Joey broke you. All these years, the fighting and the turmoil made you think that you weren’t worthy of love or affection.” I took a deep breath and exhaled through my nose, trying to calm myself so that I could continue.
But she spoke up before I had the chance, “It wasn’t Joey’s fault, not completely. The way you just described me…I’ve felt that way since long before Joey entered my life.”
She chuckled, but the sound was humorless. It was a sound that made me want to reach out and touch her.