“He was the only person who ever showed me an ounce of attention. Because of him, I felt wanted. I was tired of being alone, so I clung to him. I thought he was the only man who would ever notice me, and I was right. In all these years, no one has ever paid me a bit of attention.”
“You’re wrong,” I said, “I wanted you so long ago when we were just kids in school. My attraction wasn’t instantaneous. It grew over time as I watched you, spoke with you, and learned exactly who you were. You’re a beautiful person inside and out, Caley. I just wish you could see it. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you, the way everyone around you sees you.”
My words seemed to shock her into silence. She just stood there, staring at me, as if my words were incomprehensible to her.
“You wanted me? Even then?” Her voice was timid, almost as if she had been afraid to speak the words out loud.
“Of course I wanted you,” I said.
“Why didn’t you…” She trailed off, unable to finish her sentence.
But I knew exactly what she had wanted to ask.
“Why didn’t I tell you? Because I knew you were with Joey. And when my feelings started to grow to the point where I felt like maybe I should tell you, you deserted me. I knew then that you didn’t have a clue about how I felt. I also knew you couldn’t feel the same way, or you never would have walked away.
“That night, when you sent me that message, I almost didn’t respond. I was over you by then, and I knew exactly what would happen if we were around each other. And look, I was right. Only now, we’re so much deeper this time. I’m not the only one feeling something.”
She clutched her hands together, wringing them over and over again, as she tried to digest my words. I stayed silent, giving her time to sort through the mess we were both facing. She moved suddenly, walking over to the couch and sitting down. I didn’t follow, fearing that I would drive her away if I moved too close.
I couldn’t understand how things had changed so drastically in the last few hours. Something had triggered this, but I was afraid to ask what.
Never in my wildest dreams had I imagined the scene playing out before me would be a reality. Only a few hours before, I had finally admitted that to myself. I’d made a promise in my car that I would walk away from her.
Good God, Caley was married—unhappily married, but still married. She had a husband and a child. There was no room in her life for an obstacle such as myself. I was a friend, a confidant, but that was it.
Or so I’d thought.
“I thought I was losing my mind this afternoon,” she finally said.
“Why?”
“Because I saw that girl, Danielle, kissing you today in the movie theater parking lot, and I nearly went mad with jealousy and rage. It took me a moment to even realize that I shouldn’t have felt that way. It consumed me though. That was when I finally figured out that there was something here, something that shouldn’t be.”
“Shouldn’t be?” I asked. “There are lots of things in this world that shouldn’t be, Caley, yet they are. Shouldn’t and couldn’t are two very different things.”
“I know,” she said softly. “I would give anything to go back in time and forget everything from this afternoon and now. I’d thought things were bad before…but I’d had no idea what bad could really be.”
“Caring for me is bad?”
She hesitated. “Yes and no. You’re a good person, and you deserve someone who cares for you, but it shouldn’t be me. I’m married. The way I feel about you is wrong. It’s despicable.”
“You can’t help how you feel. Trust me,” I muttered.
“I know, but it doesn’t erase the guilt.”
I sighed, suddenly exhausted. “So, what happens now?”
“What do you mean?”
“Are we going to pretend none of this happened, or…” Now, I was the one who couldn’t finish a sentence. I couldn’t ask her if she’d choose me instead of Joey and the life she knew.
“I can’t pretend this isn’t happening,” she said. Sadness filled her expression. “The way I care about you surpasses the way I care about Joey. I haven’t loved him in the right way in a very long time…maybe never.”
“Oh,” I said, unsure of what else to say.
She continued as if she hadn’t heard me, “And the sad part is that he was trying to make amends and start over today. That was why we were at the theater when I saw you. He’d brought me there as a surprise date. I’d expected this weekend to be full of shouting and anger, but instead, he’d decided to start over with me. How can I start over with him, knowing what I know now? There’s no way that I could. Things were over with him a long time ago, long before Amelia came along. I was just too blind to see it.”
“You said you couldn’t leave him because of her. Is that still true?” I asked.
“I think…that this changes everything. How can I stay with him, knowing I don’t truly care for him? Amelia will know the truth, and Joey will, too. She’ll grow up thinking that’s the way things are supposed to be. I thought showing her that she had both parents together with her was the right thing, but now, I don’t know.”
“I think the right thing is whatever makes you happy,” I told her, “I’m not saying you should leave him and come running to me. I just think your marriage is slowly killing you. Your unhappiness is clear to everyone around you, and once Amelia is older, she’ll see it, too. That won’t be good for her.”
“I know.” Her eyes filled with tears. “If I leave him, it’s going to rip apart every part of my life and his, too. Amelia is so young. She’ll never remember us being together.”
I frowned. “Maybe that’s a good thing. Do you really want her to remember the constant sadness and the fighting?”
“No, of course not. I just keep hoping that things will get better and stay that way.”
“How long have you been waiting for that to happen?” I asked, hoping to be the voice of reason.
“For forever—or at least, it feels like it’s been that long,” she admitted.
“Exactly. It isn’t going to get better, Caley. If it were going to change, it would have by now. But you’re miserable, trapped in a life that you despise. And if you’re this unhappy, I bet Joey feels the same way.”
That seemed to rattle her. “You think?”
I nodded. “I do.”
“I’m so scared, Ethan. You have no idea how scared I am. If I leave him, everything will change.” She paused. “You’re the reason I’ve realized how I felt about him, but I…I can’t think about you right now. I have to focus on separating myself from Joey and standing on my own two feet. I hope you can understand that.”
“Of course. I would never expect anything from you right now. Maybe once things settle, we can talk about us, but for now, we can carry on the way we’ve always been—as friends. I’ll be here for you, no matter what.” I walked over and pulled her to her feet. “You’re very important to me. I hope you realize that.”
I wrapped my arms around her, tightly hugging her. I breathed in deeply, memorizing the scent of her skin, fearing I wouldn’t be near enough to do so again for a long time. Part of me hated the fact that she was pushing me away, but I understood. I couldn’t force myself on her when she had so many other things pulling her apart.
She pulled away, not meeting my gaze. “Can I ask for one more favor?”
“As far as I know, you’ve yet to ask me for a favor tonight.” I smiled, trying to lighten the mood.
Her gaze remained on the floor, her lips set in a deep frown. “I’ve asked more of you tonight than anyone ever should. But can I spend the night here, on your couch? I don’t think I can go home and face Joey just yet. I need time to make my final decision. I can’t do that with him near me.”