The thought of her spending the night in my house, so close yet so far away, was like a punch in the stomach. It would be pure agony to have her near me and not be able to be with her, but there was no way I could send her away.
“Of course you can stay,” I said, “I have an extra set of sheets and a blanket in the closet. You can sleep on the couch, or if you’d prefer, you can have my bed, and I’ll take the couch.”
The thought of her in my bed, surrounded by my sheets with her head resting against my pillow, caused my body to respond in the worst way. I mentally shook my head. I couldn’t think about sex right now. Caley needed me, as a friend, and I wouldn’t let her down.
She frowned. “The couch is fine, Ethan. I don’t expect you to give up your bed for me.”
“I’d give up just about anything for you,” I said, my mouth moving before my brain could catch up. As soon as the words had left my mouth, I instantly regretted them.
Caley gave me a weak smile, clearly pretending that she hadn’t heard my stupid confession. “Thank you.”
“I’ll, uh, go get those sheets,” I said stupidly.
I turned and walked to my bedroom where the sheets and blanket were stored inside my closet. I dug them out and grabbed a pillow off my bed before returning to the living room. Caley was standing where I’d left her. She turned her attention back to me. I gave her a small smile before walking to the couch. I spread out the sheet and blanket, finishing off her makeshift bed with the stolen pillow.
“Do you want something to sleep in?” I asked.
She shook her head. “No, my clothes are fine.”
“Okay.” I shifted awkwardly, unsure of what to say. “Well, I guess I’ll leave you alone. If you need something, just let me know. I’ll be in my room.”
“Thanks, Ethan…for everything,” she whispered.
Once I was in my bedroom with the door closed, I sat down on the end of my bed and put my head in my hands.
Tonight had been unexpected, to say the least. Caley showing up, realizing that she cared about me in a way I’d only fantasized about, had been more than shocking. But the worst part was knowing how she felt and being unable to act on it. It made things so much harder for not only myself, but for her as well.
I knew one thing for certain. I didn’t envy her or the situation she now found herself in.
I glanced at my bedroom door, the one thing separating me from her. Knowing she was only a room away was going to drive me nuts all night. I knew with complete certainty that sleep wouldn’t come easily tonight, if it came at all.
I stared up at the living room ceiling with Ethan’s spare sheets wrapped around me like a cocoon, willing my eyes to shut. I knew it was pointless. I pulled the blanket tighter around me and clung to it, as if it had all the answers I was seeking.
The last few hours had been unexpected, terrifying. And I hated to say it, but it’d been exhilarating as well. The kiss I’d shared with Ethan had awoken something in me, a hunger that I hadn’t felt in a very long time, maybe even years.
Still, as always when it came to Ethan, the guilt crept in. I’d kissed a man who wasn’t my husband. I’d cheated. I couldn’t toss around blame for that. Joey and I might have our problems, but he wasn’t at fault for this. Neither was Ethan.
Sweet, caring Ethan. The fact that he felt the same way I did—that he had for so long and never even once made any attempt to sway me—told me exactly how good of a person he was. If it had been up to him, he would’ve stayed silent forever¸ letting me live my life how it was.
Too late, a little voice whispered inside my head. The cat’s out of the bag now.
Now, I had a decision to make, not about Ethan though. That had to wait even though, if our kiss was proof of what could be, I knew without a doubt that I would end up with him if I finally left Joey. But there was no way I could even think about that right now.
First, I had to decide if I was going to split my family apart or if I would somehow manage to remain with Joey, the way I always had. The second option cut into my soul like a knife.
Before, I had never felt what I felt tonight. I couldn’t crave something I had known absolutely nothing about. Now, the thought of what I was missing, what was lacking in my marriage, plagued me. Even worse, I couldn’t understand why this had all happened so fast. This morning, I hadn’t even truly understood the way I felt about Ethan. Tonight, all I could think about was how he’d shown me what life was supposed to be like.
I glanced at his closed bedroom door, wishing he were in here with me. He always knew what to say to help me. I knew, even after his confession tonight, he would still listen to me and help as I tried to sort out the uncertainties in my life. I couldn’t do that to him though. It would be cruel, talking with him about Joey.
I winced. God, I’d been cruel to Ethan over and over again without ever realizing it. Every time I’d talked to him about my life with Joey had to have hurt him, but I knew he’d never admit it.
Giving up on my attempt to sleep, I sat up and moved so that my feet were resting on his coffee table, the blanket still covering me. Ethan’s television sat directly across from me. I stared at the black screen, willing my mind to go numb for even a few minutes.
It was pointless. In my heart, I already knew my decision. I just needed to come to terms with it and accept the pain that was sure to follow.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I’m going to leave my husband.
There. I’d said it.
When I opened my eyes again, the room was exactly the same. My decision hadn’t changed anything. Fire wasn’t raining down from the sky, engulfing me in heat and flames. The world hadn’t ended.
“Everything okay?”
I jerked around to see Ethan standing in his doorway, watching me.
“I’m fine,” I said, my voice cracking.
“Then, why do you have tears running down your face?” he asked softly.
I reached up and touched my cheek. Sure enough, it was covered in tears. I quickly wiped them away but more replaced them.
“I didn’t even realize…” I trailed off as sobs suddenly racked my body.
Ethan moved across the room, and he was next to me in a flash. He pulled me into his arms as my sobs took control of me. I clung to him, not caring that I was covering the front of his shirt in tears and probably snot.
He didn’t whisper how everything would be okay. He didn’t say anything at all.
Instead, he just held me.
I woke up in a sweltering heat. I felt sweat dampening my hair. Wondering if an inferno had decided to take me after all, I opened my eyes. All I could see was the soft material that made up Ethan’s shirt. My eyes widened, and I instantly jerked away. Ethan’s arms were wrapped around me, but I fought my way free and scooted to the opposite end of the couch.
I’d fallen asleep in Ethan’s arms.
It made the shame of my predicament instantly bubble to the surface. My husband—who I’d sent only a brief text telling him that I wouldn’t be home, who had tried to text me over and over throughout the night—was waiting for me. He was probably worried sick, considering my abrupt departure and lack of return. And here I had been, sleeping in Ethan’s arms. That was wrong.
I glanced over at Ethan and saw that his eyes were open, returning my gaze from the other side of the couch. I fought not to grin at the way his hair was sticking up or the sleepy look on his face. He looked so sweet in that moment, and it took everything in me not to reach out and touch him.