“Morning,” he said, his voice still muffled with sleep.
“We slept together,” I said, pointing out the obvious.
He grinned. “I think I’d remember something like that, Caley.”
I shook my head, refusing to smile back. “You know what I mean.”
The smile finally slipped from his face, and he sighed. “Caley, you didn’t mean to fall asleep on me. I didn’t mean to fall asleep either. It just happened. Stop trying to make yourself feel guilty over this, too.”
I raised an eyebrow, but he only rolled his eyes.
“Yeah, I know you feel guilty about everything. It’s practically radiating off of you in waves.”
“Everything about you makes me feel guilty,” I whispered, sadness filling me. “I hate that.”
He moved until he was sitting next to me on the couch. “Stop thinking about me. This has nothing to do with me at the moment.”
I gave him an incredulous look. “It has everything to do with you. If I hadn’t…” I swallowed roughly. “If I had never shown up here last night, my life, my relationship with you, my relationship with him, would still be the same as they had been the day before and the day before that.”
He looked at me with such a devastated look that I had to look away. “Please tell me I’m not the reason you were in so much pain last night. I couldn’t bear that.”
I shook my head and stared down at my lap where I was wringing my hands together. “No, that wasn’t your fault, not really. You were the catalyst that started my own personal apocalypse, but you’re not the reason for my pain. That’s all on me.”
He reached over and grabbed my hands, pulling one away. He held it in both of his, squeezing it softly. “So, what are you going to do now?”
I finally looked back up at him. The pain in his gaze had disappeared. He was expressionless as he waited for my answer. I was sure it was because he didn’t want to sway me one way or another.
“Now, I’ll go home and tell my husband that I don’t love him anymore. I’ll tell him that it’s over. And once that painful conversation is over, I’m going to watch as my world falls apart.” I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, willing the tears to stay away. When I was sure they would, I opened my eyes again. “Then, I’ll start to rebuild from whatever rubble has fallen down on me.”
He laced his fingers through mine. “You know I’m here for you, right? Last night doesn’t change anything.”
“Of course it does. I can’t expect you to stand with me as I try to deal with this. It wouldn’t be fair to you. What I’ve been doing, telling you all of my problems, wasn’t fair either. If I had known that you felt…”
“If you had known I cared, you would’ve, what?” he asked. “Brushed me aside, distanced yourself? I don’t think so, Caley. I’d rather hear every single detail about your marriage than have you walk away from me again.”
“But I can’t just—” I started.
He cut me off, “Don’t. Just don’t. I won’t let you push me away—not now, not when I know…” He stopped and took a deep breath. “Not when I know there might be a chance for us someday. It hurt like hell before, yes, but it was worth it, just to be near you again. I won’t give that up, no matter what you say or do. I’m staying right here, beside you, for as long as you need me.”
“What did I ever do to deserve someone like you?” I asked. “You’re the kindest person I’ve ever known. You’re honest, and you truly care. I don’t understand how someone like you could ever want someone like me.”
“Someone like you? Caley, you don’t see yourself the way everyone else does, mentally and physically.” He released my hand and reached up to trail his fingers down my cheek. “You’re beautiful, inside and out. I just wish you’d realize that.”
Warmth flooded my cheeks at his compliment.
When was the last time anyone ever told me I was beautiful? I couldn’t remember.
“Maybe, one day, I’ll see what you see,” I finally muttered after a moment, doubting the words even as I spoke them. I knew what I thought of myself. I didn’t see that changing, especially after all these years.
“I’ll make sure that you do.” He dropped his hand and stood. “You’re welcome to stay here for as long as you like, but I think you should go sooner rather than later. The longer you’re here, the more you’ll doubt your decision.”
“You’re right,” I admitted as I stood. “I’m going to leave now. If I don’t, I’ll just end up spending the day here, hiding from what I have to do.”
He walked me to the door and opened it. “If you need anything, and I mean anything, call me. I’ll come to you, or you can come here if you want.”
“Thank you for everything.” I stepped outside onto his porch. “I’ll let you know how it goes.”
He leaned forward and kissed me on the forehead. His arms circled my waist. “Good luck, Caley. You’re stronger than you know. I hope you realize that by the end of the day.”
I tried to smile, but it was weak. He released me, and I turned to walk to my car.
I pulled my keys and phone out of my pockets before climbing in. I tossed my phone into the cup holder and shoved my keys into the ignition. My car rumbled to life. I fought tears again as I put the car in drive and pulled out.
I concentrated on my breathing as I drove home, afraid that I would lose control again. The closer I got to home, the harder it was to stay in control.
By the time I pulled into the lot, I was shaking. I shut the car off and stared ahead until I was sure I could hold myself together. As I climbed out of the car, I straightened my back and stared straight ahead. I wanted to feel as confident as I looked. Every part of me feared whatever was sure to happen once I walked into our apartment and told Joey the truth.
I made it upstairs in no time at all. It seemed to take only seconds before I found myself standing in our apartment, staring at Joey, who was sitting on the couch, waiting for me. The moment he saw me, he was up and walking to where I stood.
“Where were you?” he demanded. When I didn’t answer immediately, he went on, “You took off out of here like a rocket last night, and then I got a text telling me that you weren’t coming home. You wouldn’t answer my texts or calls!” His voice rose with each word until he was shouting. He stopped and took a step back, clearly trying to compose himself.
“I had to get away. I needed time and space to think.”
“To think about what?” he demanded.
“Us.” I forced myself to look him in the eyes as I spoke the words that would destroy us, “I can’t do this anymore, Joey. I’m miserable. I feel like I’m trapped in a life that isn’t mine. I don’t feel like you care about me, let alone love me. I just…I can’t do this. I can’t be with you.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“I want a divorce.” My words sounded emotionless as they passed through my lips.
Joey looked at me as if I’d slapped him. “What did you just say?”
“I want a divorce.”
“Where is this coming from? Yesterday, I thought we were going to try again. I took you out to the movies. We were having a good time!”
“How many times have we tried over the years, Joey? Time and time again, we try to start over, and it always ends the same—with us shouting at each other whenever we’re in the same room. I can’t take it anymore. We don’t talk. We never see each other. We are nothing more than two people trapped together by a piece of paper and a set of wedding bands.”
“You don’t mean this, Caley. I don’t know what happened, but this isn’t you. We always work our shit out. Yeah, we have issues, and we’ll never win any Marriage of the Year awards, but we have stuck together for this long. We just have to keep on working at it.”
“I’m tired of working at it. There’s nothing left to work out at this point.”