Hellboy wondered why anybody ever tried to give him advice when, in the end, nobody knew a goddamn thing anyway.
"You know where this village is supposed to be?"
"Nobody knows except them that's got to know."
"Well, that's helpful. So, any idea where I should start?"
"You walk southeast to the bottoms," Granny said. "Follow the road, bear to the left. You'll find a skiff and stobpole there."
"A what and a what?"
"A boat and a pole to push it yonder into the sweet blackwater." Granny Lewt appraised him and said, "For a worldly-for a beyond the worldly-big critter like you, you ain't so well-versed in our ways."
"Lady this place isn't all that special except it's a lot greener and more humid than most." He peered into her withered face, as deep as he figured he could go, and asked, "You think those girls and their babies will be all right?"
"I pray so, but there ain't no way to know until it's their time for the chillun to come out in the world. I tell you this though, that Brother Jester get to whisperin' at 'em, or he toss out a shadow upon 'em, he gonna cuss 'em fer sure. They be born in some bad way. There's a thousand years'a half-gnawed bones hidden in them briar patches and under that morass. You go in alone with no guide, you ain't gonna ever come home again."
"You people are starting to freak me out a little," Hellboy admitted. "How about if you save the creepy speeches for the next guy who comes down the road and just let me get on with it?"
"I'd tell you to wait until mornin'-a lotta men been lost in that slough at high noon, much less at night-but we both know the minutes is melting away like a slivered candlestick. You gonna need somethin' to help you on your way."
She rooted around in her blankets for a moment and he expected her to come up with a charm or amulet, the way the witches usually did. But instead she just got out a pouch of tobacco and started to clean and refill her pipe with her one hand. Her wrinkled, liver-spotted fingers were still extremely nimble. She tamped the tobacco in, stuck the pipe between her teeth again, lit a match against the underside of her chair, and set to smoking once more. Hellboy waited.
Granny Lewt wheeled herself to the fire and filled a wooden bowl of stew. It steamed and hissed and popped, and Hellboy wondered how anybody could eat such a meal. He was hungry and started to wonder if he was ever going to get any edible chow this side of the Mason-Dixon line.
"Here," she said, "have some supper."
"Thanks anyway."
"You gotta eat it."
"What do you mean?"
"You gotta get some into you so's you can git about in the bog with my eyes and ears." She placed it on her lap and rutted about for a spoon. Stuck it in the bowl and proffered it to him.
He blinked at her. "Your eyes and ears?"
"It'll help you in your hour of need."
"Lady, the only need I've got right now is to get the hell out of here."
"Listen up now, boy, Granny Lewt been around these parts a lot longer than you. I's one of the three sisters of the swamp and I's here to help as much as I can, and help you's what I'm'a gonna do. We bound, we three sisters. We can only do so much. So let me do what I needs to."
"Look, I appreciate the effort, but I'm going now."
"You cain't!"
Hellboy turned and went for the door, and of course it was gone.
"Ah nuts to this." He lifted his fist to pound through the wall and Luther grabbed him by the wrist and held on tightly.
"Hey! I told you not to start any crap with me!"
"Granny say you gotta eat!"
"Backoff, pal!"
But the massive brute wasn't about to listen to reason, and he didn't seem to have the IQ points to figure out not to mess with big red badasses, so Hellboy did his best to shove the lumbering guy away without hurting him.
But Luther had some real strength to him, beyond anything Hellboy was expecting. Soon he realized he couldn't hold back, and they really started to brawl.
"Here," Granny Lewt said, holding the bowl out to her son. The giant was able to continue fighting even while he reached for the stew, the jug of moonshine still hanging off his pinky. "He ain't got his mind quite right yet. We got's to help him."
"Iffun you say so, Mama."
"He got hisself some misery a'comin' already. Don't hurt him none, Luther."
"Iffun you say, Mama."
Like he didn't have enough to put up with already, Hellboy had to listen to them talk about him like he wasn't even in the room.
Luther moved in quickly, low, growling like an animal now.
"Last chance here, pal. I spend all my time smashing down things bigger and uglier than me. I'd say I've got this one in hand. I'm warning you."
"Mister Satan, jest do what Mama say and I won't have to hit you no more."
You had to give it to him, this backwoods swamp rat certainly was a single-minded true believer.
Hellboy hauled off and slapped Luther in the head with his stone hand. Luther let out a yelp and almost went down to one knee. Almost. Then he stood to his full height, cocked the jug over his shoulder to his lips, sucked down some moon, wiped his mouth with the same hand, held the bowl out before him, and moved forward again.
You couldn't just lie down and let them walk over you Jamming rabbit bits and eyeballs and pancreases down your maw. Sometimes you had to take a stand against even the people who were trying to help.
Granny continued smoking calmly, watching the fray.
Hellboy hauled off and threw a roundhouse at the giant Luther, who moved into the blow with incredible speed, allowing himself to be struck. The force of impact made the walls creak and murmur, the names rising much higher in the hearth. The old woman's wheelchair rolled across the room backward and almost crashed into the wall. She gripped a wheel and spun in circles, cackling and whooping wildly, enjoying herself.
Shelves rattled savagely, and one jar tipped and rang against another before falling to the floor.
"You done set free my kidney stones!"Luther cried, and hurled himself at Hellboy once again.
This was just unbelievable. Hellboy started to buckle and barely managed to stay on his feet. Granny Lewt blew out a stream of smoke and said, "Ya cain't win because you ain't fightin' evil this time. In your heart you know we's your friends, and what's got to happen is what's got to be."
"Son of a-!"
In the midst of his curse, wondering if the old lady was somehow right, Hellboy's eyes grew wide as Luther slung forward the bowl of stew and slopped it into his mouth. Oh Jesus. You could put up with a lot but really, having an old woman's eyes and ears and maybe her Celiac Ganglia with the Sympathetic Plexuses of the Abdominal Viscera washing down your throat, it was just too much. His stomach tumbled and he gritted his teeth, about to launch himself at Luther and finish this fiasco, when the giant moved away and began cleaning up the broken shards of glass, collecting his kidney stones.
"It's done," Granny Lewt said. "You got my eyes and ears now. Wonders to behold, swamp songs to hear tell, and a little more protection."
"Ugh, Jesus Christ!" Hellboy doubled over, spitting and wiping his mouth with the tail of his overcoat. "You people are goddamn nuts!"
The door was back. Hellboy tore it open and rushed into the swamp outside, the water and muck almost to his knees, and heard Luther say, "Don't worry none, Mr. Satan, I ain't really mad at ya 'bout my kidney stones. You come on back and we'll share a jug soon."
As Hellboy watched, the shack began retreating into the darkness, the mud and brambles and slimy water drawing away with it, until nothing but dark brush and the distant marsh prairies surrounded him, and he was back on the dirt road.