“I can’t… I don’t…” This isn’t going to work. Tara took my hand.
“It’s okay,” she said, but I had already pulled away. I stood up, shrugging off the sleeping bag.
You’re messing up dude. “I’m sorry. I can’t.” Sit back down! I walked back towards the trucks.
“Ryan,” Tara called softly after me. “I’m sorry.”
You’re an idiot! Go back to her. I waved off her apology and climbed into the truck I’d driven here. I pounded the steering wheel with clenched fists. “Stupid idiot!” I said aloud, pounded the steering wheel again. I leaned my head back on the headrest.
“You okay?” A voice whispered from the back seat, startling me.
“Holy crap…” I glanced back. “Sam. Sorry, didn’t know you were in here.”
“No problem.” He mumbled.
“Go back to sleep.” I replied. “I’m okay. Just a freakin’ moron.”
“Got it.” And he was quiet again.
A few minutes later the passenger door opened, and Hayley climbed in. She punched me squarely in the upper arm, hard. “Hayley, what the—”
“Don’t,” Hayley said sternly. “Just listen.” I opened my mouth to object, but she cut me off. “That took a lot for her to come to you, Dad. Do you get that? Do you have any idea how hard that was? It’s almost like you’ve been making a point not to talk to her, but you’re only making everything worse. She cares about you, dude. Dude? Come on. You need to…” She paused. “Dad, it’s not going to kill you to have a friend, you know!”
“Seriously. What’s going on?” Sam asked from the back seat.
“Sorry, Sam.” Hayley glanced back, softening her tone. “I didn’t know you were there. Go back to sleep.” He didn’t object. “You’re a good guy, Dad. A great guy. And you deserve to be happy. Even if you’re making everyone else miserable.”
Was I? “But Mom—” I started to argue.
“But Mom nothing,” she cut me off again. “Dad, it’s been four years. You think Mom would want you to give up your entire life because she’s not here anymore? I’m not saying you’ll love Tara, or that she’s even your type, but she’s trying to be nice to you. You both could use a friend.”
“She’s married, Hayley,” I objected.
“She’s not.” Overruled.
Okay, I wasn’t ready for that. “But—” I pointed at my ring finger.
“Dad. Shut up.” Hey now. “She’s never been married. Never been engaged. She would tell you herself if you’d let her, but since you can’t seem to get out of your own way, I’ll save her the time and pain. Dad, she was raped a dozen years ago and got pregnant. She’s been trying to protect Emily this entire time, by herself.”
“What?” Definitely wasn’t ready for this.
Sam was sitting up now.
“How long have you known?” Then it occurred to me. “When we were at her farm?”
Hayley nodded. “That’s not the important part here, Dad.” I knew that now. “She was trying to reach out to you and you shut her down. Think about what it must have taken for her to walk over to you.” She paused but I had nothing to say. I was stunned.
A few seconds later, Hayley went on. “Listen, I’ve talked to Danny a lot about Mom. I’ve defended you every single minute. I actually wanted to move up with you when she died, but Danny convinced me not to. He talked to Kate’s mom and asked if she’d take me in. Kate sealed the deal. I understand what you were going through and why you did a lot of what you did. For years Danny wouldn’t tell me what was going on, but I eventually figured it out on my own. I know why you left us and you know you were wrong.”
This was too much. My head was swimming. I felt like crying and throwing up at the same time. And she didn’t stop.
“I know you made it up to Mom, and I know she forgave you for it. She did. I promise.” She noticed me shaking my head and put her hand on my forearm. “But you have to forgive yourself, too. You have to move on. Mom would want you to. Mom loved you, more than anything in the world.” Crap, those are tears. “But you suck when you’re miserable, and you can be really hard to be around. So stop being a jackass and be nice to Tara already.”
Did I mention this girl was outspoken? I looked out the window, still able to feel Hayley’s glaring eyes. “Can I say something?”
I waited, and then took her silence as permission. Let’s say you’re right. Let’s say you’re right about all of it. What if I do give Tara a chance, and I lose her too.” Hayley raised her hand to cut me off yet again. I rolled my eyes. “Seriously, Hayley.”
“Seriously, me?” she asked with a surprised tone. “Seriously, you. Look, Dad, I get what you’re saying.” She put her hand on mine. “I do. But you can look at it that way, or you can look at it this way. If you only have a day left, or two, or three, do you want to be stubbornly sitting here a few feet from her, wondering what it would be like to kiss her?” Whoa, slow down. “Wondering what it would be like to spend some more time with her, maybe even be happy again for awhile?” She had a point. “So, if you’re gonna die anyway, shouldn’t you at least die happy?”
“What if she doesn’t like me?”
“She will,” Sam said from the back.
“What?” I turned to him.
Hayley answered for him. “She will like you, Dad.”
I shook my head in disagreement.
“Yes, Dad, she will. She doesn’t care about good looks or a good sense of humor. She’d like you anyway.” Hayley elbowed me.
“You know I’m not going to thank you for that.” I elbowed her back. She’d made her point.
“I don’t care,” she replied. “If I can get you to realize that someone else could love you if—” She saw me start to object. “Okay, sorry, “like”—that someone else could like you if you’d just let them.”
“Got it,” I said. “So, should I…?” I pointed toward Tara.
“No,” Sam answered.
I turned back to him again. “What?”
“No,” Hayley said. “Let her sleep. She didn’t know I was coming back here to talk to you. You call that talking? Give her a little time, and then when the time is right, be a man and apologize.”
Daughters. “Hayley.”
“Dad?”
“Don’t tell me to—”
“Shut up, Dad?” she asked with a smile. “I will if I have to.”
Seriously. Her words weren’t lost on me. I still saw her as my little girl, but that voice and that logic, they were stunningly mature. Would Sophie really be okay with Tara and I? And what about Danny? I really didn’t want to fracture the relationship we’d been rebuilding.
“And don’t worry about Danny, Dad. I’ll talk to him.” She kissed my cheek and hopped out of the car. “But he already knows you like her. And he’s good with that.” She closed the door.
Okay, what? Do I have a teleprompter on my forehead? “What just happened here?” I asked no one in particular.
“She told you what you already know,” Sam replied.
I glanced back at him, but his eyes were closed. Was it really that obvious?
Apparently.
THIRTY-FIVE: “What We Did”