“I didn’t even know she was pregnant. Seems she’d been trying to tell me for a while, but I never once seemed to care. That should have been more of a wake-up call than it was, but me being me, I didn’t get it all yet. I never went back to that bar, never even saw that girl again. The guilt of that whole night was pretty powerful on me. I knew I was minutes from cheating on her back at what’s-her-name’s place.” I actually didn’t know. “I had every intention of doing so. But I didn’t. Not physically.”
I was quiet for a bit, but Tara didn’t say anything either. “I just don’t know how I got to there, you know? I never could have taken that back. I never told Sophie about that night, but I think she knew. I think she probably thinks I actually did sleep with that girl. I guess it’s kind of one and the same anyway.” Another long pause. I couldn’t even look at Tara now.
“I tried to be home more after that, but I still wasn’t carrying my weight. We got pregnant with Hayley when we were trying to make things right. Or I should say Sophie was. I was there, but not into it. It was nothing more than physical pleasure for me. I wasn’t committed to her emotionally. I still wasn’t giving her much of a chance with me. I was such a jerk. I was sarcastic and rude, always badmouthing her, never giving her credit for anything, and all the time complaining I wasn’t getting any respect from her—like I deserved any.” I’d said all this to Sophie many times at her grave, but saying it to someone else was, well, strange.
I took another deep breath. “We survived for many years, barely being social, barely ever happy, and then we got pregnant again, and we had Logan.” I could tell this caught Tara by surprise. So Hayley didn’t tell her that part.
“I don’t know what it was about me, or about us, that made us think having more kids would solve our problems. It truthfully only magnified them. It was the same thing every time. You’d think I’d have caught on. She had to take care of the babies. The baby had to come first. I just was never good at being second, or in this case fourth.” I laughed. Tara didn’t. Why did you think that was funny?
“We did all right for awhile, and then, before Logan’s second birthday, we lost him to what we were told was a form of SIDS. That turned out to be pretty much the final straw. We started fighting. All the time. Sophie was seeing a counselor and wanted me to go with her, but I was pretty flipping stubborn. I didn’t see how telling someone else my problems would make them go away.” Although telling Tara these problems might make her go away.
“Besides, I rationalized, these problems were all Sophie’s. She was the reason Logan was dead. Yes, at one point I actually even told her that. What kind of man…” My voice trailed off.
Tara still hadn’t said anything and pretty much hadn’t moved an inch. I had seen her hand reach towards mine a few times now, but I was gesturing so much she’d pulled back each time. I had the chills now and was trembling, but I was pretty sure it was nerves. I felt sick. But I kept going.
“We had a huge fight one night. She finally spoke her mind, told me I’d basically been absent for the past decade. I said a few things I shouldn’t have said. She started crying. For the first time in our entire relationship she actually screamed back at me. She told me she hated me and I was the worst husband ever. I said a few more terrible things, told her I was leaving her, and I walked out. Danny was old enough to know what was going on. He was in the middle of all of it. Honestly, he was pretty mad at Sophie at the time. He thought it was her fault because that’s what I was telling him. What kind of dad does that?” I let the rhetorical question sink in before answering it. “Certainly not a good one.” I knew I was either sinking this ship with Tara or saving it. I continued.
“I filled out divorce papers but never gave them to her. I’d threatened to, but kept them hidden. She figured I was all talk. That I had to realize what I would lose. Somehow I didn’t. Finally, she told me I couldn’t come back to the house. I was fine with that. For about three weeks. Somewhere in there I had an epiphany of sorts, and things started to fall into place. I started to realize everything I was missing with her. I started to see everything I was missing with the kids. At some point I stopped and looked around me and saw that, no matter what, I wasn’t going to find something—someone—out there better for me than her. That same person I fell in love with was still there. She was still Sophie. Somehow it was me that had changed. She never had to wait for me—not in college, not in the marriage—but she always did. Somehow, as blind as I was, I saw that, and finally I came back to her.” Tara was nodding now. She was still following.
“But I’d messed up with the kids too. Perhaps even more, if that’s possible. By that point Danny knew I was the problem. I think he probably suspected as much beforehand, but he stayed loyal to me for far longer than he should have. Man, I wish he wouldn’t have. His mom was so much better than me.” That got no argument from Tara.
“I’m pretty sure if it’s possible for a boy to hate his father at this point he hated me. He was almost never home and, while I understood and knew I was to blame, I was afraid he was off doing stupid things like drugs or drinking…whatever. He wouldn’t give me the time of day though, and every time I tried to talk to him he’d put his headphones on or leave. I grabbed his arm once, and he hit me. At that point I knew I had to leave him alone. Things cooled down after that, and one night I caught Sophie talking to him, pleading with him to give me a chance. Turns out she’d been doing that the entire time. After all those times I badmouthed her, I honestly believe she never turned on me in front of the kids. Anyway, somehow she got through to him. He started staying at the dinner table with us. He’d even answer some of my questions if they weren’t personal. He was watching me like a hawk, all the time, but he must have seen how much I’d come to terms with my own stupidity, and how much I was trying to do right by Sophie again. I’d even started seeing a counselor then. I really wanted to be a better man. I was praying it wasn’t too late.” I shook my head. This was getting harder to talk about, and I couldn’t stop shaking.
“Turns out it was. Sophie was killed by a drunk driver shortly after that. Danny was sixteen.” Now I could see it was making sense to Tara. Now she could understand why I’d pulled away that night. It didn’t take a psychology degree to see the level of guilt I’d been carrying with me, all the way back to the night of the miscarriage and my time with that girl. Tara understood I was afraid that even four years after her death I was betraying Sophie by merely talking to Tara, much less touching her.
“I get it, Ryan,” she said softly. “I’m so sorry.”
“You see, though, there’s really nothing to be sorry about,” I said, turning to finally look her in the eyes. “No one else but me should feel sorry about anything.” (This much was true though Danny, just inside the cave entrance, didn’t agree.) “The day Sophie died I was honestly more in love with her than I ever had been before. I know Sophie knew that. After years of never saying it, I was telling her how much she meant to me every day. I know Danny and Hayley might not have known that—although Hayley has told me she knew—but I honestly did love her the most I ever had. As best as I could, I’d given my heart and life to making up for the terrible person and husband I was for so many years. I didn’t deserve Sophie, but then I never thought I did. But Sophie only wanted me. I never had any right to question her loyalty. She always stood by me.” My voice was shaking now too. Man it hurt to say this stuff aloud.