I thought of her blood and in a dizzy leap of hunger and exhaustion I longed to be her blood, to be the stuff that made the constant circuit through every inch of her.
Her menstrual blood.
The Tampax string curled into her pubic hair.
Her vagina. The lips yielding to my touch, moistening, opening. To look inside the body. To be inside her body. Joined.
The oak-colored birthmark on the inside of her thigh.
Covering her belly with kisses, lips cupped over her belly button, tongue touching the wrinkled recess, the twin orbits of down rising in excitement.
Her hand on the top of my head. Pushing me down. Gently. Further, oh a little further.
Jade rolled onto her back. Knees raised, feet flat on mattress, hands folded beneath the sheet, resting on her belly. Looking at me through the corners of her eyes.
“What are you thinking?” she said.
But she hated that question. She thought it pushed people apart, made it more difficult to speak the truth. A simultaneous violation of privacy and intimacy.
She’d changed.
I shrugged. “I don’t know,” I said.
She shook her head. Sighed. “Stupid question,” she said. “Sorry.” She turned her head away for a moment and then returned her open gaze to the ceiling.
Looking at her profile. Her narrow nose. (“The Jewish girls hate me for my nose.”) The deep chin furrow. The large U- shaped forehead that always looked too delicate, like painted glass.
“I don’t know, David,” she whispered—the sudden whisper was like being pulled into an alcove. “One of us might have to sleep on the floor after all.”
I reached across and touched her shoulder. She allowed herself no reaction and in my confusion of feelings I almost withdrew again, but I kept my touch upon her.
She turned her head. We were directly face to face.
“It’s so strange, isn’t it?” she said.
I nodded, but not in a way that meant I thought it was strange. It meant that I heard her. It only meant yes, a larger, inclusive yes. An intoxicated yes…
We were silent again. The silences were larger now, richer, more familiar: there was no dead air in them. I felt her streaming toward me in the silence. We were suddenly and again at the point where not making an effort brought us closer.
My touch became heavier. I didn’t move closer to her but the thought of it seemed to shift my weight.
“I wanted you to touch me,” Jade said. She had an impulse to turn away from me but she didn’t.
“I wasn’t sure,” I said. My voice surprised me; it was thick, unstable, something swollen out of its normal confines.
“But we better stop,” she said. “I feel so restless. It’s a sexual thing. Hungry. That old desperate thing. You get to depend on sex. Depend on coming, on a goddamned release, to be perfectly frank. And there’s a way in which you could be anyone, David. I really feel it would be unfair.” As she said it, she brought her arm from beneath the sheet and laid the palm of her hand against my chest. My heart, she must have heard it knocking away. Touched it out of wonder. Or perhaps to silence it.
I knew, obscurely, that her saying I could be anyone was something that could hurt me. Been meant to, possibly. But it slid past me. Her ambivalence seemed to matter so little. A mere problem of the mind…How to compare it to the soft dry heat of her hand on my chest?
My fingers bent at the knuckle and opened out again, moving further onto her shoulder, touching her collarbone. Her hand on my chest stiffened and then relaxed.
One of our legs moved. I felt the loose cold satin of her pajamas. Withdrawn.
I rolled to her. My hands on her shoulders, not pulling her toward me but clearly about to.
She moved her face nearer to me. A blurred darkness rifled by the noise of her breath.
Her knee touched mine. Withdrew. Touched again.
Then her hand left my chest and was on my cheek. A kind of sadness in her touch. An undercurrent of farewell. I gripped her harder, holding on. Her forehead was against mine, the bridges of our noses. Lips coming forward but stopping short of a kiss.
And then the kiss: light, shy, brief. Swimmers with one toe in the ocean, etc. We leaned away from each other. It was so hard to see and, I think, hard to want to. The closeness not only blocked the room’s diffuse light but it encouraged us toward a kind of voluntary blindness. We had seen enough to take us this far. Like pilgrims who have to pass through countless rooms and withstand the most puzzling trials, we found ourselves now in the chamber of deep physical urgency and truth itself seemed of lesser importance, something that could wait. We kissed again. Our mouths were hot and slippery; our teeth climbed. My hand was on my underpants, starting to pull them down. Instinctually. I stopped myself, wrapped my arms around Jade, crushed myself against her.
“David, David,” she said. An incantation. And proving to herself it was really me. Forcing herself to admit it.
A sigh. Hers or mine? Its edge of impatience told me it was Jade’s. She wanted whatever was going to happen to declare itself.
“I’ve wanted you so badly,” I said. “And all the time.”
“I’ll never sleep,” she said.
“It doesn’t matter.” I was still holding her tight, looking out across to the wavy gray window.
Her breath caught.
“I want to make love,” she said.
I loosened my hold on her. I wanted to look into her face. But she held me fast.
“No,” she said. “I don’t. I don’t. We can’t make love and it’s not really what I want. I want to come. I want to have…”
I placed my leg between her legs.
“Will you help me?” she whispered. “Will you like you used to? First me, then you. We can do that.” She slid down a few inches, so the top of my knee was flush against her. She moved back and forth two times and then a third, grinding, precise. “I want to come,” she whispered. “Help me. Please.” There was something wild and a little cruel in her voice, like an escaped prisoner asking for water.
I pressed my leg higher, harder, felt her give way a little and then bear down on me. A breathy sound in her throat, like a ball rolling down a flight of stairs.
In one motion, I tore the sheet and blanket off of us. They hovered at the end of the bed for a moment and then sank onto the floor. Jade’s toes were pointed, her foot tensed and arched like a ballerina’s. I put my hand into her pajamas, covering her breast. The skin around the nipples puckered like fingertips left to soak in hot water. Nipples themselves had grown, though the breasts remained adolescent. She’d once been nearly hysterical with shame about her breasts: I’d several times put my fingers into her vagina before she finally allowed me to share the secret of her naked breasts, the revealed artifice of the padded bra. “Bee stings, right?” she’d said, folding her arms over her chest. Now she offered them freely, arching her back as I cupped my hand and then squeezed.
Her shirt was unbuttoned, folded itself into shadows along the line of her ribcage. She was flat on her back now and I was at her side, over her, dropped on one elbow. I touched her belly, slipped my hand beneath the elastic waistband. I suppose my heart was pounding; I suppose my mouth was dry.
“I told you,” she said, as soon as I touched her underwear. Lined with a huge gauzy sanitary pad.
I withdrew, confused, startled. Then put my hand on her again, over her cotton underwear, and pressed uncertainly. She arched her back, took a deep breath, telling me that even this indirect contact would do.
I moved my hand back and forth. At one point I became aware I was losing the sensation in my right arm—the arm that supported all my weight as I leaned over Jade—but this awareness passed, along with the feeling. I rubbed her slowly, steadily, no variety of pace. She didn’t seem to want surprises. Simple. Direct. The comfort of it increased by the steadiness. The lack of play affirming that romance was kept at bay. The sanitary pad came loose and moved clumsily around. Jade reached into her underwear and removed it, quickly, tossing it overboard. I hooked my thumbs onto her waistband and pulled the pajama bottoms down. She lifted her ass, brought her legs together, made it easy. I turned around to throw them on a chair and she slipped out of her underwear.