"Better check in with Smith," suggested Remo.
Harold Smith's voice was ghastly when Remo got him on the line.
"I assume you were successful?" he croaked thickly.
"How do you assume that?" wondered Remo.
"Because I had all outgoing telephone calls from the Denver Hilton rerouted to my office and I have a headless samurai warrior lying on my desktop," Smith said jerkily.
"Nice catch," said Remo.
Chiun was stamping about in circles, waving the trophy battle-ax in frustration. "It is ronin! Why can you two not get this straight?"
Harold Smith said, "Have you learned Nishitsu's true objective?"
"Yeah. They're pushing the horror of steel wheels on rail on one hand and the joys of magnetic levitation on the other. I think that says it all."
"They cannot be allowed to enjoy the fruits of their scheme."
"We could have some fun with their demonstration model," suggested Remo.
"Do so." Smith hung up.
Remo hung up. "Okay, Little Father. Once we tie up the loose ends, we're done."
Chiun tossed the battle-ax on the bed, but Remo recovered it. He had the remaining katana in hand.
"Can't leave these lying around to give the maid ideas."
They left the room.
"What is this thing called anyway?" Remo asked Chiun, hefting the ax.
"It is an ono. A battle-ax."
"That explains Yoko," Remo said as the elevator door opened to admit them.
Chapter 27
The white-coated Nishitsu demonstration team stood before the waiting maglev engine and its single car, extolling the virtues of magnetic-levitation transportation.
Melvis Cupper heard the words, but he was like a Baptist at a Hindu widow-burning ceremony. He understood the reasoning; he just flat out did not believe in the procedure.
"Magnetic revitation is the future. Magnetic revitation is superior to arr other rair technorogies. The many viorent derairments America now experiencing proves that ord technorogy is no ronger good for America. Nishitsu magrev is the future for America. If this demonstration convinces you, write congressmen and senators. Write White House. Terr them you want safe rair transporation, not train wrecks."
"Man, he is layin' it on thick, ain't he?" Melvis muttered.
K.C. punched him playfully. "Hush, Mel. Open your mind, not just your ears."
"Now it is time to board the Nishitsu Express to future," the corporate spokesman said.
The door hummed open, and they began boarding.
"Man, I hope I got the stomach for this," Melvis said.
K.C. said, "I won't force you, Melvis. You gotta take this step on your own."
Melvis's face scrunched up. "Oh, Lord, give me the strength. What I do, I do for love and not out of disrespect for rail and country."
Closing his eyes, Melvis allowed himself to be guided onto the humming car. He felt like Jonah in more ways than one.
"You can open them now," K.C. prompted.
Melvis did.
It was like being inside a pneumatic tube, he decided. All slicked up, plush, polished and featureless. The seats hardly looked like seats. And they were facing every which way.
"Prease take seats," a crisp Japanese voice said over the intercom.
Melvis waved K.C. into a seat and sat beside her. The car soon filled up.
Melvis noticed his knees were knocking together. He wasn't sure if it was because he had found true love or because he was letting himself be carried off by heathen rail technology.
A sudden increase in the humming warned him the brief trip was about to start.
"Magrev operates on principre of opposing porarity," the intercom voice continued.
"What'd he say?" Melvis asked.
"Polarity," said K.C.
"Sounded like porarity. "
"The train is rifted off the guideway, and froats. Rinier synchronous motor provide forward propursion. "
"Boy, this is way over my head," Melvis lamented. "I'm hearin' words I never did hear before."
K.C. slapped him on the top of the head. Melvis grinned. He liked his women playful.
"We go now," the intercom voice said.
At the last moment, before the doors could shut, two familiar figures jumped aboard.
"Well looky, K.C. gal. There's our good buddies."
"Hi, y'all," K.C. said.
"Sorry there ain't a seat," Melvis said. "Everybody seems to be goin' our way."
"We don't mind standing," said Remo.
"Surprised to see you astride this beast, old-timer," Melvis told Chiun.
"Hush," said Chiun. "I am attempting to think like an elephant."
"Is that a fact?"
Melvis noticed Remo seemed to be doing the same thing.
They closed their eyes. And with a whine, the maglev train engaged.
They felt the lift. A forward bump. And crash! the car dropped back into the guideway. Smoke began pouring from floor vents. Somewhere an electrical short began sparking.
"What happened?" K.C. wailed.
"Off train. Off train," the suddenly frantic intercom voice said. "Marfunction. Off train, prease."
They evacuated the car the way salt leaves a shaker.
White-faced Nishitsu technicians scrambled into the car, wielding dry-chemical extinguishers. They began throwing foam and white chemical everywhere in their panic.
"What happened?" K.C. said, aghast. "Why didn't it go?"
Melvis looked over to Remo and Chiun.
Chiun winked. Melvis winked back.
"If I were writing that up, gal, I'd call it an act of God. Pure and simple."
K.C. melted into tears.
Melvis saw this and, taking her by the shoulders, turned her around. He lifted her head up by the chin.
"Gal, you gotta get this maglev stuff out of your pretty head. Maybe maglev will get going someday. Maybe not. But I know one thing. I hanker to hitch my caboose to your train."
"You think we're gauge-compatible?"
"If we ain't, we'll make some changes. I plumb adore you, and that's that. What do you say to a lashup?"
K.C. threw her arms around his neck, crying, "Melvis, when you talk that way, my boiler gets cooking like something unnatural. I am yours forever and ever!"
"K.C., you and me are a-goin' to honeymoon on the Texas beer train, riding over some of the most traction-motorfryin', coupler-knuckle-bustin' track in all of creation."
"Shucks, I ain't never made it on a train before."
"Your first time's always special."
Suddenly remembering they weren't alone, Melvis turned and gathered up a great big grin on his face. "You fellers hear? We're gettin' hitched."
But there was no sign of the pair.
"Well, four's company, anyhow," said Melvis. "Let's go feast our eyes on some real US. of A. locomotives."
On their way out they noticed a ruckus at the front of the maglev engine.
Someone had plunged a sword and a battle-ax into the nose of the engine-right through the four-moon Nishitsu corporate symbol.
Melvis recognized the ebony handle of the sword.
Flashing his NTSB ID card, he bulled his way through and took possession of the sword saying, "Nice of them boys to remember this here tanaka's NTSB evidence."
And tucking it under one arm, he offered K.C. the other and they strode off into the rest of their lives, grinning.
BACK AT FOLCROFT the Master of Sinanju surrendered the Nishitsu ronin's helmet with great ceremony.
"The dread foe is no more, O Emperor."
"Er, thank you," said Smith, gingerly examining the helmet for its expected contents. Finding none, he looked up quizzically.
"Chiun tossed it into a Dumpster," said Remo.
"The honor of my House is restored," Chiun said stiffly.
"Where is the rest of the samurai?" Remo asked.
Chiun flared. "Ronin! I give you the correct term, and you throw it away like the peel of a banana."