"I mean it. I'll find the bitch you're making it with if it's the last thing I do."
"It probably will be," Dex answered. "Better watch your step."
The strength of the insult was not so much in the words, but in the casual manner with which Dex spoke them. She was supposed to be angry with Ryan. Anger would show concern. Would show involvement. Her obvious boredom accused Ryan of being a drag. And Ryan didn't know how to deal with this accusation. She was always the sought after one. Nobody had ever thought of her as a bore, even when she was.
Dex dropped the sandal onto the floor, immediately regretting that she had threatened Ryan and dismissed her all in one sentence. She wished she could take the words back but there was nothing to be done except hold still and watch the tears of frustration welling up in Ryan's beautiful face.
"I'm sorry," Dex said, knowing her apology was useless. She stared at Ryan in a kind of fascination, watching the tears run down her cheeks. She wondered if she was actually gloating at the fact that she had finally caused Ryan as much pain as her lover had so often caused her.
She swung off the bed and went to the woman she loved, hoping that there might be some way to comfort Ryan and ease the pain of the wound.
Ryan pulled away from Dex's touch.
"You meant it," Ryan said. "You meant it all."
The tears didn't dissolve Ryan's determination. She wiped them away with a sweater sleeve. Then she picked up a silver-backed brush and began, vigorously, to do her hair.
"Well, I'll do it anyway," she said. "I'm going to find that lover girl of yours and tell her just the kind of crud you are."
Dex turned away from the force of Ryan's voice. The future loomed bleak and inevitable. Ryan would find Gena because she had to. And then the world would go up for grabs.
"Frankly, I don't know why I'm here," said Ryan. Robard grinned at her from across the room as he approached with a glass in his hand.
"For a good, stiff Bloody Mary. Nothing wrong with that reason," he added, handing her the drink. She took it in her hand and noticed that it was trembling.
Dex had shaken her up like never before. Of course this was not their first squabble, but there was a tone to it unlike any of the others. For the first time Dex had refused to play her role. Ryan now felt like a fool.
"Well it's all my fault. Through the years… everything. I've made it all happen," she repeated bleakly, listening to her words as if they were part of a funeral oration. She felt tears rush to her eyes. She had to get control of herself. She still had all her pride intact. And she had no intention of pulling out all the dirty laundry for Robard to see.
"Oh, come on, Ryan. That's impossible. You know the old phrase, it takes two to tango."
"Sure. Sure. But I'm the one who's always depended on Dex to be solid, be present and faithful." Ryan wanted to put her head in her hands and just cry. With Robard she couldn't do that. Why had she come here?
The question echoed in her head until she knew the answer suddenly point blank. It was simply because Dex had intimated that Robard wanted her. It was forbidden fruit, forbidden by Dex and so the perfect taboo to break.
"Well maybe you're not cut out for that kind of living. It wouldn't be criminal to admit that," he added with a slightly sardonic smile.
It was a silly fact. Ryan had to smile. Of course nothing in society helped such a relationship to sustain itself. If anything, people seemed to rejoice when gay relationships fell to pieces. She wondered now if Robard was one of these. She sipped her drink.
"You're gloating, Robard," she said fixedly, watching his face for the truth.
"No, Ryan, I'm not gloating." His face was clear as he spoke. Ryan believed him.
"Then what?" she asked, prodding him for some kind of analysis, anything to help her get over her first confusion.
"Well, maybe you're just not cut out for domesticity. A lot of people aren't. There's no shame in that. For Christ sake, look at me. Am I ashamed?" He hung his head clownishly. Ryan laughed. It rang in her ear like something brand new, like a shattered glass. It surprised her.
"Robard, don't you take anything seriously?"
"Sure. Money. How about you?"
"Money, no. Well, not really seriously. I do take relationships seriously."
"Aha! If that's the case, how do you explain your rampant infidelity?" Ryan bit her lip. Did she really want to go this far, this deeply with a man? This was something a woman should discuss with another woman.
"Who knows?" she said with mock gaiety. As she said it, she reconsidered. Why not discuss it with Robard? She wasn't the kind of lesbian who considered the male as the enemy. She liked men… as friends.
"I suppose because there's something in the chemistry of our relationship that makes for it," she said honestly. Robard stopped grinning and nodded. Ryan was grateful that he was going to take things seriously for once. She needed a compassionate ear.
"What's it all about? Why?" asked Robard with seeming interest. She studied his face again before answering. Then she took a long sip of her drink.
"I don't know for sure. I'm exhausted now so anything I say could be sheer crap. I think it's because Dex asks for it. We've always agreed before that it was me. I was this narcissist, see. I needed attention, lots of girls fawning over me, lots of action on the side. That's how we always figured it out together. Now I wonder…"
"So what do you think it is now?" said Robard, sipping his own drink and shuffling his feet briefly.
"I think Dex is a masochist and that she's always just begging to be deceived, wronged, so that she can feel like a martyr. That way she's always good. What do you think?"
"Possible. People do that all the time. So what are you going to do about it?" Ryan took a deep breath and averted her eyes. That was one question she was in no way ready to answer. She sipped her drink, standing the silence and Robard's patience as long as she could.
"I don't know. I don't know," she blurted out hysterically. "If I knew that I…"
"You what?" asked Robard, already suspecting the answer. If she knew why, she wouldn't be here with him. Ryan was confused. She had thrown herself on his doorstep out of confusion. It was an interesting situation for him, he had to admit.
Robard had known Dex and Ryan since he moved in. They had always gotten along, had drinks together occasionally, bitched about the building together. But lately Robard had noticed a strain. He suspected that Dex's jealousy had constructed some kind of secret liaison between Ryan and himself. She had noticed his appreciative eyes on her lover. It had been useless for him to hide the fact that he found Ryan extremely attractive. Now she was here at the brink of tears.
Robard smiled to himself. What would he do now? He could play the good guy and just talk. Or he could try and go further. He watched Ryan as she stared into her drink in between sips. She was fantastic, the kind of leggy beauty he loved. He could easily imagine her in bed, her body willowy and voluptuous at the same time, her passion like a she-cat.
"I suppose if I knew what I was going to do next, I'd do it. I told Dex I was going to find her girlfriend and wreck everything. I suppose I would like to find out who it is, but then…" Ryan slumped in her seat.
"God, Robard, I'm exhausted." Suddenly all the wind had gone out of her sails.
"Why not try something new?" said Robard, feeling his way. Ryan perked up slightly, looking at him with interest.
"What?" Before she had gotten the word out of her mouth, she suspected his answer.
"Men, of course."
"Robard," she sighed, "I've made it with guys. It wouldn't be very new."
"Oh? I never knew that. I always thought you were a dyed-in-the-wool lez."
"Oh, bullshit. You never thought anything of the kind. Dex was right on that score. She knew that I'd had men and…" She stopped in mid-sentence. She was getting herself suddenly in very deep. She had almost admitted that Dex had suspected rightly that she felt a certain attraction to Robard.