"I kept her alive. But when the Russians liberated the camp, I saw her from the hospital window walking hand in hand with a soldier. The soldier lifted her up onto his shoulders. I saw him give her chocolate. And she never turned back, never came back for me."
She bit her fingernails. "She never tried to find me. Luis, I could have forgiven everything, if she'd just tried to find me. With her rich husband, her children, she had money, she could have found me. I know that now."
"It was a long time ago, she was a child. Maybe you..."
"Maybe I nothing, Luis. Everything with you is always maybe this or maybe that. I know she knew what they were doing to me, she knew because she could see. They starved me and fed her like a pig. They put these things on my brain, and they gave her dolls. She knew what they were doing to me. I hate her."
He tried to put his arm around her, but she shrugged him away.
"Ruda, what difference does it make now? She's here, you're reunited. You can't really hate her, she's part of you. Now you can make up for all the—"
She screamed at him: "You don't understand!"
Luis put his hands up. "Jesus Christ — I am trying, Ruda! I wasn't there, Ruda. All I know is what I hear, what you tell me. You're angry because you blame what went on in the ring tonight on her."
Ruda kicked at the table. "Shut up! You don't know! You weren't there!"
"I know that, sweetheart, of course I don't know."
"No you don't know. How could you? Nobody can even imagine what happened there. Nobody did, it's forgotten. They kept on telling me to forget. It was over, I should forget. I couldn't speak. I couldn't tell them. The longing, Luis, I longed for her so much, it was like a well inside me, that filled up and drowned me. I drowned with longing for her to come to me, to... make what had happened real."
"Who told you? I can't follow what you're saying. Who are they?"
She sighed. "The doctors, the nurses, the stupid fat-faced nurses in the asylum. They put me in with crazy people because there was no place else. Just forget, just forget, they said. Take this, swallow this, this'll make you sleep. Nothing happened, it's all over. Forget? How could I forget when every white coat made me remember, every needle terrified me, until I learned to keep silent, until I learned never to speak to anyone. There was no point."
Her lips trembled. "Forget? Tell me how! There were all these babies, newborn babies. But not one was alive, they were blue from cold. Some were bloody, some still had their cords dangling out of their bellies. And they were stacked on a concrete block. Rebecca thought they were dolls. She asked if she could have one. But I knew they were dead babies. I knew, because from my window, where they kept me, I would see them being born, outside on the slabs in the snow. Don't touch them, Bekki, they're not to play with. Don't touch them. But she had one, Luis, she had one in her arms."
Her face twisted into a silent scream. She covered her mouth as the wounds that had been locked up inside her for so many years began to open. "You remember. You can't forget. Every time you see a baby you remember. Papa told me it was all right, he used to stand with me and watch the babies coming. He held my hand, and I didn't think anything was wrong because he whistled. He was always whistling. The next time I saw Rebecca she had a doll, he had given her a real doll so she could play at being a mama."
Luis felt sick. The image of the dead infants haunted him. Ruda's hands plucked at her jacket. "He liked me to call him Papa."
Her voice became no more than a whisper. She tried to say the name of the man whose face was buried inside her mind, the man who had tortured her and caused her indescribable anguish. For deep beneath her scarred body lay a consuming, confused, and heartbreaking guilt. Slowly it began to surface: She was once again the little girl sitting on his knee, hands clasped around the sweet he had given her. The little girl who said, "It's mine!" He had kissed her cheek and pinched her chin, teasing her. She could hear his voice.
"Open it, you can open it!"
"No."
"Don't you want it?"
"My sister, I want it for my sister."
He had laughed then and jerked his knee hard so that she fell to the floor. "What is your sister's name?"
"Rebecca."
"Ah yes. Is she well?"
Ruda nodded, and he crouched low, resting on the heels of his polished boots. He traced her cheek with his white-gloved hand. "Tell me, do you feel pain when your sister is hurt?"
"Yes."
He seemed delighted. He brought out a box of sugar almonds with a pink ribbon, and gave a small bow, clicking his heels. "These are for you and your sister."
She reached out, but he withdrew the box. "I want a kiss." She stood on tiptoes, slipped her arms around his neck, and kissed first his right, then his left cheek. He smelled of limes. With the box of almonds tucked under one arm, her hand in his, they walked into the hospital wing.
"Bring her sister, I want her sister! These are going to be my special twins..."
Grimaldi said nothing, simply sat watching her. When Ruda lifted her face up to him, her eyes had a faraway expression. She stared unseeing as the face of the monster emerged. The face of the man who had embraced the child with love, and yet tortured her tiny body. The being who had twisted her mind for experiments that had benefited no one. Why had he never stood trial? Why had he never been punished? The Dark Angel's wing had overshadowed her life. She could never pretend that it had not happened. It had... and slowly her rage against him began to unfold.
Rebecca pressed her body against the side of the trailer. She could feel the rage growing inside her. For the first time she could separate herself from the rage and watch it manifest itself. She could see her hands clench and unclench. Before when it started happening, she had always lost control and would have no memory of what had occurred. But now she knew the rage was not hers, but Ruda's. Now their minds entwined, like an electric circuit fusing, ready to ignite...
Rebecca fought against its taking over. She tried to reach the trailer door, to call out that she was there, that she had not tried to find Ruda because she had been forced to forget. But now the memories came back in a blinding, red-hot blaze.
Luis saw it happen and couldn't stop it. The rage exploded inside Ruda: Her body tensed, the veins in her neck throbbed, her hands beat the air, and her mouth opened in a terrible silent scream. But above all, it was the madness in her eyes that made him freeze.
The fury she had held in check for so long blinded her, and she attacked Luis — she believed him to be Papa, and she had to destroy him...
Mamon lay with his head resting on his paws. Mike, easing open the trapdoor, pushed the feed tray inside. Vernon was carrying bales of clean straw. He called to Mike. "Eh! I wouldn't try that, Mike.
Leave it for her. They'll be going to join the parade any minute."
Mike half turned, his hand still on the bolt of the trapdoor. At that moment Mamon lunged forward, his full weight hitting the side of the cage: The trapdoor flew open, knocking Mike off his feet. Mamon was out.
Vernon dropped the bale of straw and threw himself out of the way, but Mamon wasn't interested in either of them; he was loping toward the open tent flap, churning up the sawdust. His roar was terrifying in its volume and intensity.
"Oh shit! Oh my God... Get the nets! Fucking get the nets!"
Word spread fast; within minutes the area was cordoned off and gatekeepers and parking attendants warned that no one was to be allowed beyond the barriers. The helpers ran toward the trailer park, their flashlights flickering as they questioned anyone who might have seen where Mamon had run.
As panic spread the security men were alerted.