"I've heard all this! Come on, why don't we go someplace for a meal." She had to get him out, stop him drinking, talk to him, reason with him.
Kellerman ignored her. "The next moment Mama and me were pushed and shoved into a long line. Eva, my little sister, was crying, terrified, and then the second woman whispered to Mama: 'Twins... say your children are twins.'
Ruda arched her back. "Shut up!" Her heart began to beat rapidly, as if she were being dragged under water. She felt the damp darkness, smelled the stench, and she clenched her teeth, not wanting to remember.
"Don't, Tommy, stop... I don't want to listen!" But she could hear the voice: "Twin... twins... TWINS," and she got to her feet, hugging herself tightly. She moved as far away from the bed as possible, to stand by the window. She could feel the hair on the nape of her neck stand up, her mouth felt dry, and the terror came back. The rats were scurrying across her. In the gloom, the white faces of the frightened, and the gaunt faces of the starving glowered at her. The stinking sewer water rose up, inch by inch, and they held her up by her coat collar so that she wouldn't drown. A blue woolen coat with a dark blue velvet collar. Hers had been blue, her sister's red.
"Don't, Tommy, please don't..."
But he wasn't hearing her, he was too wrapped up in his own memories. He gave a soft heart-breaking laugh. Eva was almost as tall as he, with the same curly black hair: She was only ten years old. Eva had always been so protective of him, so caring. How he had adored her!
Ruda moved closer to the bed determined to calm him, but it was as if he were unaware of her presence. He stared at the ceiling and began to cry.
" 'My son is fourteen,' Mama shouted, and all around us was mayhem, but all I did, all I could do, was keep staring at the second woman who had approached us. She was wearing a pink see-through blouse. It was too small, you could see her breasts, her ribs, she was covered in sores. She had on a blue skirt, it had sequins on it, some hanging off by their threads. The skirt must have been part of a ball gown, because it had a weird train. It was gathered up and tied in a knot, a big knot between her legs. Like the other skinny woman, she had one high sling-backed gold evening shoe and what looked like a man's boot. I was so fascinated by these two skeleton women that I couldn't catch what was going on. But the next moment, a guard dragged Eva away; he kicked Mama, kicked her so hard she screamed in agony. She was screaming, screeching like a bird: 'He's fourteen, but he's a dwarf, he's a dwarf, please don't hurt him, he's strong, he can work, but don't hurt him, don't kick him in his back, please.
He sobbed.
"She said it, my mama said it, for the first time I heard her say what I was..."
Ruda sat on the bed, she reached out to touch Kellerman's foot, to stop him talking, but he withdrew his leg, curling up like a child. His voice was no longer a whimper, but deeply angry. "He took me then, pointed with his white glove, first to me, and then to a lineup of children on the far side of the station yard. That was the first time I saw him, that was the first time. I've never told you, I have never told you that, have I?"
Ruda's nails dug into her own arms. She was pushing shut her own memories with every inch of willpower she possessed. She forced herself to move closer to him. "Stop it, Tommy, I won't hear. I won't listen to you."
"Yes, you will," he snapped. "You will listen, because I want you to know, you more than anyone else. I want you to know."
She wanted to slap him, but she forced herself to contain her mounting, blinding anger. "I know, you've told me all this before, and we made a promise..."
He was like a child, his red-socked feet kicking at the bedspread. "Well fuck you! I won't keep the promise — I want you to know!"
He clenched his hands, punching the bed. "I was dragged away from Mama, and still she screamed, first for Eva and then for me, but no one took any notice, everyone was crying and shouting, but I heard her clearly call out to me... 'Wait for me at the station, I'll be at the station.' "
Ruda snatched one of the pillows and held it over his face. "Stop it! I know this, I don't want to hear any more!"
She pressed the pillow down hard on his face, and he made no attempt to fend her off or push the pillow aside. After a moment she withdrew it and looked down at his face. His beautiful, haunted, pain-wracked eyes looked up at her.
"No more, Tommy. Please..."
He nodded, and turned away, his cheek still red from the pressure of the pillow. "Oh, Ruda... she never said which station. She never said which station."
Ruda lay beside him, not touching, simply at his side. He was calmer now, and she heard him sigh, once, twice.
"You know, Ruda, no matter how many years have passed, how long ago it was, I still hear her calling me. Every station, in every town I have ever been to, there is a moment... it comes and goes so fast, but no matter where I am, here or in America, in Europe, whatever station, I say to myself: 'Which station, Mama, where did you wait for me? Did Eva find you? Why didn't you tell me which station?' It's strange, I know they're dead, long, long ago, but there is this hope that some day, some time I'll be at a station and my mama will be there, with Eva. Walking the streets, at every corner I think maybe, just maybe I'll see Eva. I never give up hope, I never give up."
Ruda whispered she was sorry, and he turned to face her.
"Is it the same for you?"
He searched her eyes, wanting and needing confirmation that he was not alone in his pitiful hope. The amber light in her cruel eyes startled him. With a bitter half-smile she said: "It is not the same for me. It never was."
With some satisfaction she felt the chains, the locks tighten on her secrets. Kellerman leaned up on his elbow, touching her cheek with his index finger.
"I'll tell you something else my mama said. She said never tell a secret to anyone, a secret is a secret, and if you tell it, it is no longer a secret. You are the only person I have ever told what they made me do, and what I have done since. I mean, I admit I have stolen, I am a thief, I know I did wrong. I stole from the circus, from my people, but they are not me, they don't know who I am."
Ruda sat up, took a sneaking glance at his alarm clock. It was almost ten-thirty, she knew she had to discuss the money, and the fact that she didn't have it.
"I'm not blackmailing you, Ruda. All I want is my fair share."
It was as if he had read her mind. He rubbed the small of her back. "You don't hate me, do you? You know I've no one else but you."
His touch made her cringe inside. He rested his hands on her shoulders and stood up behind her, planting a wet kiss on the nape of her neck.
"If you do that again, I'll throw you off the bed!" She pushed him away. "Get off me!"
Kellerman began to jump up and down as if the bed were a trampoline. "Oh you liked it once. You couldn't get enough of me once!"
He slipped his arms around her neck, she could feel his erect penis pressing into the small of her back.
"Let me have you one last time, please, Ruda, the way you liked it, let me do it!"
Ruda didn't push him away this time. There was no anger in her voice, just revulsion.
"I never liked it. I loathed it so much I used to get physically sick. Now take your hands off me or I'll elbow you in the balls. They are about the only normal-sized thing about you, as I recall — and I will make your voice even higher."
He released his hold, but remained standing behind her. "Did you mean that? Did you mean what you just said?"
She sighed, angry with herself. She had to be nice, she had to be calm. "Oh come on, Tommy, we both know why I married you, so why pretend otherwise. Sit down and have another drink."