She sat with her head bowed, her hair dripping, covering her face. Luis reached for a small hand towel and began to dry her hair.
"I'll go to the morgue, no need for you to do it, I'll go if they need someone."
She nodded her head.
"Ruda, look at me. I need someone. I'm not talking about getting my rocks off, I'm talking about needing — I need, you know? As it is now, I feel like half a man, and watching out for you every show isn't enough. It can't go on. This is my last chance. I'm old, maybe Tina can give me a few more good years, give me back my balls. I don't want to fight with you anymore, I can't fight you anymore. I will need to be able to keep Tina and the baby when it comes, so we have to work out an agreement, one we can both live with. I know how much money you've put in, I know how you've kept us going, I know, Ruda, but I can't go on like this."
He rubbed her head gently, knowing the burn scars at her temples should not be irritated by the rough towel. He was careful, showing more tenderness than he had in years.
There was a tap on the trailer door; it was the inspector asking if Mrs. Kellerman could accompany him to the morgue. Ruda could hear Grimaldi asking if he would be acceptable, and she heard the inspector saying that Mrs. Kellerman would be preferable.
Grimaldi's voice grew a little louder as he said he also knew Tommy Kellerman. Then there were whispered voices, and the trailer door shut.
Grimaldi called out that she had better get dressed, they needed her but he would accompany her. She began to dress very carefully, choosing a dress, high-heeled shoes, and for the first time in many years, she applied makeup other than her stage makeup. She took her time, a soft voice inside her whispering to stay calm, take things one at a time, she would deal with Luis when the time was right.
Grimaldi had a quick shave and stared at his reflection, uneasy over the exchange with his wife. He had felt such compassion for her, it confused him, she confused him, but then she always had. He rinsed his face and sat for a moment, remembering Florida, shortly after they were married. Ruda had wanted a child so badly, he knew how she must feel now with the Tina situation. He understood, but what could he do? It was not his fault.
Luis had held her when she told him, he had wrapped her in his arms when she came out of the doctor's, but she had pushed him away. He had so much love for her then that he hadn't been angry, just saddened by her rejection. He knew she was fighting to keep control the way she knew how — head up, jaw out. She didn't cry, he had rarely seen her crying. Somehow, her attempt to speak matter-of-factly, as if she were not affected, was very touching.
"I can't have a child, artificially or any other way, so that is that!"
She had put her coat on and walked out of the doctor's. He had paused a moment, digesting the news, before following her to the car. They had driven back to their winter quarters in silence, Ruda staring ahead, giving him instructions as she always did — Luis was never good at directions, and their quarters were far from the center of the city. But he would never forget that journey, the Florida heat and her quiet calm voice, flatly telling him to go right, then left...
Ruda had become deeply depressed; nothing he said or attempted to do seemed to distract her. It was then that he asked her to participate in the act; until now she had simply helped the boys muck out and clean the cages. He had not contemplated that she work in the ring with him, he had suggested it now only to give her something to think about. He began to train her, and to his relief her depression lifted, the dark sadness dispersed, but their relationship deteriorated. Ever since the visit to the specialist, she shrank from him whenever he touched her. He let it go, hoping that in time she would come back to his bed.
The animals, his cats, had brought out a side of her that at first impressed him: She worked tirelessly, fearlessly. No matter how he reprimanded and warned her, she continued to take foolish risks. She almost dared the cats to attack her, dared them to maul her.
Luis was a good trainer, and a respected performer, a man brought up around big cats. It was he who told her that she must love and nurture the animals. Nothing would be gained from threats or impatience. Everything took time, but above all it was the caring, the loving which would bring results. At first, she refused to heed his advice, and they'd had violent arguments, but he kept on warning her that unless she listened, showed respect for him and for the cats, she would never learn. He told her she was not to tame the animals, but to train them: There was a vast difference.
Patiently, Luis gave her his time. And when she saw results, she began to smile again. Her wonderful laugh returned. But she did not come back to his bed. When he took a mistress, one of the stable girls at the winter quarters, she had said nothing, and so the pattern began then, all those many years ago.
And then Ruda bought Mamon, and their relationship took a terrible turn. They had been looking at cats and they had seen and rejected many. Luis was exceptionally intuitive, he had been taught by his father to be very selective, often turning down ten or twelve before he found an animal he felt would work well. One look and he could tell the young lion was trouble: Mamon had been in too many homes, too many circuses, had moved too many times. His previous history would have given any trainer a clue to his temperament, but Ruda did not want to listen, even when Luis refused to pay for him.
A week later Luis had gone to inspect four Bengal tigers. These were four cats he was quick to buy, because he trusted the owner, and liked the act they had already been worked into. He bought them on a handshake. Then he had returned to discuss the purchase with Ruda.
During Luis's absence Ruda had made the decision to buy Mamon. He had been furious, but she had shouted that Mamon was not Luis's but hers, and she would train him, with or without his help. It had been her money, and Mamon was hers. The argument had grown into a fistfight, but in the end he had given way. When she had said that Mamon was her baby, he had walked away, walked into the arms of... As he sat trying to recall her name, he suddenly realized that Ruda was calling him. She banged on his door, shouting that she was ready, and that the Polizei were waiting.
Luis looked for a clean shirt and began to dress. Luis had never told Ruda that he had gone back to the gynecologist. He wanted to hear the diagnosis firsthand, since she had refused to discuss it. He wanted to know if they should seek a second opinion. He had cared that much then.
The doctor had refused to discuss his patient with Grimaldi, even though he was her husband. Ruda had asked him not to. Simply he stated that there was no hope of his wife ever being able to conceive.
Grimaldi had accepted the gynecologist's word, and yet sensed that he had not been told the entire truth. When he tried to push for further details, the doctor, without meeting Grimaldi's eyes, said quietly, "Your wife cannot have normal sexual intercourse, and even if insemination were to take place, she could not carry a child. I am sorry."
Though the gynecologist would not discuss his patient's condition with her husband, he had shared her X rays and tests with two colleagues. He did not identify her by name, he simply showed them the appalling X rays and photographs of her genital area. All her organs had been removed, as if her womb had been torn from her belly. The internal scar tissues were even worse than her external scars. Nothing could be done. The entire genital area had been burnt by what the surgeon felt was possibly an early form of chemotherapy.
The colleagues listened in appalled silence. The clitoris had been severed, and the vagina was closed. The crudeness of the stitches and the scar tissue formation had left no opening. The only possible form of intercourse was anal; her urinary tract had been operated on to enable her to pass liquid, and a plastic tube inserted when the infected tract had festered. The anal area was large, denoting that sexual practice had obviously occurred on a regular basis over a period of years, stretching the colon.