"My wife?"
She returned to the sink, began scrubbing a pan. "Think about it. I don't want sex, sex doesn't mean anything to me. It'll just be a partnership."
Grimaldi grinned, not believing what he was hearing. "You got any idea how much cats cost?... and feed, and transportation? Then there's the training, it'll take months to get an act, any kind of a decent act together."
"Yeah, I'm sure it's a lot, but we can do it, and I am willing to learn. I can muck out, do anything you tell me to do. I've been around circuses now for long enough, I know the ropes, and I know it's hard work."
He sighed, shaking his head. "No way, I couldn't do it... I'm finished."
She threw the pan across the room. "You were the best, the best, and you can be the best again. I'm giving you a chance."
He grabbed her hand, dragged her out of the trailer, and crossed to the back of the sheds, to the pitiful remains of his once fine act. He shoved her against the bars. "Look at these animals, they're as fucked and as finished as I am... You don't know what you're talking about, you have no idea of what an act, an act the likes of mine took, years — my father, his father before him... and that's what I'm left with..."
She gave him one hell of a punch. "They'd turn in their graves if they heard you. Go on, get another bottle, go on, get drunk... you weak bum!"
He stormed off in a rage, wanting to hit her back, but wanting even more to hit himself. Alone, she had stared at the bedraggled unkempt cats, their filthy cages, their ribs showing through their matted coats. She grabbed a bucket of water and headed back to the trailer.
The water hit him in the face, then the bucket. "You bastard! You can get drunk, you can let yourself go, but what you've done out there is a crime... you're starving them to death."
"I have no money to feed them... I got no money, and nobody wants to buy them!!"
She rolled up her sleeve, shoved her tattooed arm under his nose. "See this? I've been caged, I've been starved, I've been beaten, I've been to hell and back and I am still here. I am still fighting, and I have enough for the two of us, you got ten minutes before I take a gun and shoot what's left of those poor creatures, and then I'll leave a bullet for you. You won't let them suffer another hour, you hear me?... You hear me?"
She had slammed the door of the trailer so hard it came off its hinges. She went around to the cages. Never having been inside a cat's cage, she simply unbolted the door, stepped in, and took out the empty trays. She then rebolted the door and went back to the trailer. He was sitting, head bowed.
"What do they eat?"
"Meat, horsemeat... maybe I should put myself in there, let them have a go at me!"
Ruda stormed out and went into town. She came back an hour later, carrying a stack of boxes. She found Grimaldi mucking out the cages, Two Seats using a hose to wash them down. She cleaned out the bowls, and carried the fresh meat to the cages. Two Seats gave a toothless smile to Ruda, and he touched her hand with his gnarled, crusted fingers.
"I don't know what you said, but I thank God for you, young woman."
They fed the cats and went back into town for fresh bales of hay and sawdust. Neither of them brought up the question of marriage. Luis stopped drinking and began to exercise the animals. Two Seats collected the old plinths from the storage huts and dusted and washed them down. The heat was oppressive and the small trailer airless; they continued to sleep separately.
Four months after Ruda's arrival, Grimaldi took off for town. Old Two Seats sat on the steps glumly muttering that he doubted if the boss would come back that night, he'd be getting plastered at the local whorehouse.
Ruda flopped down on her bunk. "Shit! Shit!" She had traded one bum in for another. She was wondering if she had made the wrong decision when she heard Grimaldi calling her. Luis had returned, stone sober, and he put on the kitchen table an envelope and a small red box. It was a marriage license and a wedding ring. He said nothing, just pointed to the table.
He hovered outside the trailer, watching her from the window as she opened the envelope. He saw Ruda smile — she who so rarely smiled — and then slowly open the ring box. She snapped it shut, was about to walk out to him when she heard Grimaldi ask the old man if he had a suit.
"A suit!.. You must be jokin', it's at the pawnbroker's."
"Well, get it out, and by Wednesday, 'cos you're gonna need it."
"What fer?"
"Wedding, you old bugger."
"What?"
"We need a witness, me and Ruda are getting married next Wednesday."
There was a loud guffaw, and then a lot of back slapping. She came to the door, and Grimaldi held out his big hand. She took it, gripped it tightly as the old man wrinkled his nose and then threw his hat up in the air with a yell.
"By Christ — that's the best news I've heard in years!"
The wedding had been a small affair with just a few people from the winter quarters. They had lunch at a local restaurant, and then returned to feed the cats. Ruda had been very quiet, she had smiled for a photograph, but as the day drew to a close she continued to find things to do, anything to delay the consummation of the marriage, even though she was unsure if that was what Luis wanted. She had arranged a platonic partnership with Kellerman, but after six months he had demanded to have sex with her. Kellerman revolted her, but nevertheless the marriage had been consummated, insofar as it ever could be. Kellerman liked kinky sex, her physical problems had never bothered him. He liked her to give him blow jobs, liked the sight of her on her knees in front of him.
Luis had brought flowers and champagne, and she noticed that the bed linen had been removed from the couch she had always slept on. Luis was in high spirits. Having made the decision to marry Ruda, he was now more than willing to take her into his bed. He opened the champagne, and then produced a box, which he gave her with a flourish. She opened it, and the delicate nightdress, its lace and frills carefully snuggled in white tissue paper, made her bite her lips. She didn't even want to take it out of the box.
"Don't you like it? It's silk, the lace is from France, is it the right size? Take it out, go on take it out..."
Slowly she had held the delicate nightgown against herself.
"You like it?"
She whispered that it was beautiful, and he asked her to put it on. She hesitated, and seemed so distressed he wanted to put his arms around her, but she stepped away from him. "Nobody ever gave me anything..."
"So let me see you in it?" he said gently.
"You want this to be a proper marriage?"
Luis was confused, he said that he thought that was what she wanted, and she had turned away from him, hunching up her shoulders.
"I guess that is what I want, Ruda. I mean, maybe I've not been the best person to have around, not said the right things, but you wanted to marry me, didn't you?"
She nodded, but when he tried once again to hold her she fended him off. "I want to tell you something, I sort of thought you knew..."
Again he tried to make her turn to him, look at him, but she pulled further away. "Don't, please don't touch me."
She lifted the soft silk to her face, almost caressing the gown. "Luis, I can't have normal sex. Something was done to me when I was a child. I can make it all right for you, but that is all."
Luis had a sudden vision of her as having had her sex changed: Was she really a man? He couldn't hide his revulsion, his confusion. "Jesus Christ, what a fucking time to tell me! Are you kidding?"
She turned to him, unbuttoning her shirt, her face rigid. "Do you think this is something to kid about? Do you?"
She began to undress in front of him, and he now backed away from her. She undid her blouse, took off her bra, and then started to unzip her trousers. "Look, Ruda, don't... don't, I can't deal with it, please, Ruda!"