I blush again and look away from him and focus on the mobile hanging above the crib. Soft instruments dangle above the bedding. Aunt Peggy insisted on a musical theme for Kai’s bedroom, for obvious reasons.
Garrett doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to leave.
“How long will he be like this?” His interest appears genuine, and I want to help him understand Kai’s health situation as best as I can. I guess now is as good a time as any. Tomorrow, he may go back to ignoring the fact that his son is now living under his roof.
I sigh heavily, knowing the reality I’m about to share is likely going to send Garrett running. Again. “It could be up to six months or more. I’ve seen babies get better sooner with early intervention.”
“Like what you’ve been doing with Kai?” he asks.
“Yes.”
His face looks drawn and worried. I realize that I may be scaring him with some of the worst-case-scenario stuff, and I try to shift the vibe in the room.
“With this type of care and comfort, I’ve seen symptoms gradually decline over a shorter time period.” Best case scenario.
“So you’re doing the right thing for him?”
“Absolutely,” I say confidently.
“What do you think he’s going to be like?”
“What do you mean?”
“When he’s older? Will he need special care? Or special schools?”
“Every baby with NAS is different. Some have a really rough start and gradually get better and can function normally throughout their lives. Others need constant care and therapy. Some are in between. There’s really no clear outcome.” It’s hard to describe the spectrum of problems that an NAS baby may have.
He looks even more drawn and says, “I don’t know if I can do this.”
“Do what?”
“What you’re doing. I don’t think I have it in me to be like you.”
I’m surprised he’s even thinking about taking care of Kai. It tells me that he’s contemplating his options and that maybe, just maybe, he actually cares.
“Every living person has the capacity to provide care for another; some people just have to dig deeper than others to find it.”
“I respectfully disagree,” he says, shaking his head.
“Then we agree to disagree,” I reply.
“Why are you doing this for me?” he asks, quickly changing the subject.
“I’m doing this for Kai, not you. And because I love my aunt.” I state simply.
Raindrops begin to pelt the window behind me and then they pick up speed. Garrett takes a deep breath but doesn’t move. He’s looking between me and his son, and a strange expression comes over his face. It’s a weak smile that’s a mix of contentment and worry. I can tell the questions he asked me tonight have been bothering him, and he looks like he’s formulating the next one. Our silence isn’t exactly uncomfortable, but something hangs in the air between us that I can’t grasp.
“Your aunt is a wonderful woman. I don’t know what I’d do without her.” He stretches his legs out and tucks the pillow tighter under his cheek. “When I’ve been home, I can’t think of a time when she didn’t have my life in perfect order.”
“Even down to a sock drawer,” I say, and he immediately nods his head in agreement. I know my aunt so well. She’s a perfectionist and everything has its place.
“Seriously, who knew you could fold socks that way?” he says and for the first time, I feel at ease with him, even though I wanted to pummel him when we met. His arrogance and ignorance were dumbfounding.
I suddenly feel the need to tell him. “Why were you such a jerk?”
I can tell he’s taken off guard by my question, because the comfortable smile that was on his face disappears.
“I was afraid, Sam.” He pauses to clear his throat. “I am afraid.”
How can I go from contempt to caring? I was so angry with him during his absence that I prepared an epic speech, ready to chastise him and his terrible choices. I planned to eviscerate him with my words, tear him down so he could feel small and insignificant. I was so angry with him for abandoning his son. And suddenly, I empathize with him and his fear. He’s as ill prepared for this as any unsuspecting bachelor would be.
“I need your help,” he says.
“I am helping, Garrett. This is what I do.”
“No, I mean, I need you to teach me how to do all of this.” His eyes are pleading and his voice is soft. I’m shocked by his request and proud of him at the same time. Why the sudden change of heart?
“Of course I can teach you, but you’d be surprised how much of it you’ll do naturally. Instinct takes over and you suddenly know how to parent.”
He lets out a soft breath. “Again, we’ll have to agree to disagree on that point. I have no instincts, and a few weeks ago, I didn’t want anything to do with being a parent.”
“And now you do?” I ask as I hope this is a legitimate breakthrough. “What made you suddenly decide to try?”
“My mom and dad.”
“Really?”
“They told me Kai deserves a normal and healthy life. I think I want to give that to him.”
I raise my eyebrow. “Yeah?”
“I haven’t been around much lately because I’ve been staying with my parents. I had to tell them about Kai and what was going on, and I wanted to do that in person. After I came home, and met Kai for the first time, I went back to their house. I tried to hide down there. I was afraid to come back.” He looks ashamed and my heart tugs. That explains why he hasn’t been around.
“But you came back,” I state.
“My mother’s very convincing,” he whispers.
“Garrett, if you want to do this, you have to be all in. Do you think you can do that?”
“I have to, don’t I?”
I nod slowly and close my eyes. “Why don’t you sleep on it and tell me in the morning if you want to begin baby boot camp.”
“Sounds like a plan,” he says and stretches comfortably. His eyes become heavy and he sighs deeply.
I also feel sleep pulling me deep, and I don’t fight it. I take it when it comes as infrequently as that may be.
WHEN I WAKE UP, KAI IS STILL MIRACULOUSLY ASLEEP, molded into my chest. He draws from my warmth so he can recharge.
My heart sinks when I see that the day-bed is empty and Garrett is gone.
Garrett
Present
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 26
I WAKE UP FULLY CLOTHED. Watching Sam sleep with my son on her chest last night was oddly soothing. I’ve never witnessed tenderness like that before. My mother was always loving and giving with me. But Sam has something more. A gift.
When I watched her with Kai as he screamed and wailed, she never looked stressed or tense. I was balling my fists, hiding in the corner of the room, wincing from the pain from Kai’s agonizing cries. But Sam was an expert. She cradled him like he was her own. He fit against her chest like he belonged there and it was the safest place he could be.
A picture of Sadie fills my brain as anger fills my chest. How could she do this to herself? To her unborn child? I’ve never seen anyone experience pain like this little boy is going through. And I’m helpless, unable to do anything. I’m afraid of hurting him more than he’s already hurting. I imagine the calluses on my fingertips caused by my guitar strings like daggers cutting through his skin, eliciting shrill cries.
A phone rings from my nightstand, and I answer it without looking. It’s probably my mother checking in to be sure I arrived home safely. I’ve been spending a lot of time at my parents’ home in North Carolina, mostly feeling sorry for myself and avoiding the responsibility that’s right down the hall.