“You and Sam have a unique gift. Taking care of other people, the level that you both do, is astounding. Commendable.” They’re definitely both from the same gene pool, that’s for sure.
The back door slides open and Sam enters the kitchen, wrapped in a towel. She’s shivering. “I forgot dry clothes,” she stammers and looks stunned to see me. Her cheeks flush pink and she pulls the towel tighter around her thin frame.
I walk past her to the closet in the hallway and remove a plush white robe and hand it to her.
“Why do you have a woman’s robe in your closet?” she asks then quickly follows it up with, “Never mind, I don’t want to know.” She takes the robe, lets the towel drop and quickly pulls the robe on over her shaking shoulders. She does it so quickly I’m barely able to catch a glimpse of her body. But what I’m able to see is magnificent.
I’m glad she didn’t press me for an answer. Several other women have worn that exact robe. The hot tub is just down the stairs on the deck, and I keep it in the hall closet for emergency use only. Every time Peggy does my laundry, she can’t help herself but comment that these robes should be disposable. That explains why she’s giving me a nasty look now that I’ve given this robe to Sam to wear. I know she doesn’t approve of my extracurricular activities.
Sam walks over to Peggy and Kai. “How is he?” she asks.
Peggy gives her the same answer she gave me, and Sam squeals, quickly throwing her hands over her mouth. “He just ate four ounces?” she asks, and tears form in her eyes.
“Yes,” Peggy says proudly.
“And I missed it?” She sinks into the couch and sighs.
“He’ll be ready for another bottle when he wakes up in about an hour,” Peggy assures her.
I sit on the couch next to Sam and my knee brushes against hers. She quickly moves over, placing a throw pillow between us. I should have found something else for her to wear. One of my sweatshirts maybe. It feels wrong that she’s wearing a robe that other girls have worn. Girls who mean nothing to me. She doesn’t deserve to wear something that groupies have touched. I’m throwing them out tomorrow.
“Can I try feeding him when he wakes up?” I ask without even thinking.
Sam and Peggy both gasp and look at me. “Are you serious?” Sam asks, astounded.
Shit. Now what?
“I guess?” I reply timidly.
“Alright then. Let me go get changed.” She jumps off the couch and says to Peggy, “Can you bring Kai upstairs in a little while? Give me like fifteen minutes. I’ll fix him a bottle and bring it with me.”
Peggy nods her head and addresses me. “Are you ready?”
My body tenses up, and I realize I’ve made a huge mistake.
HIS SCREAMS ARE THE FIRST THING I hear when I reach the landing of the stairs. I don’t want to, but I continue walking toward his nursery. My heart pumps wildly in my chest and my hands are clammy. I can’t do this.
I can run right now. Down the stairs and out the door. Peggy left a few minutes ago, so there’s nobody to stop me. I can be at the airport in less than an hour and fly anywhere I want.
But my mother’s voice rings in my ears. He needs you.
I hesitantly walk toward the high-pitched cries and push the door open slowly. Sam is walking with Kai, holding him tight against her chest. She doesn’t notice me enter at first, and I quietly observe her. How can she stay so calm and focused while Kai is obviously in excruciating pain?
She sees me and gestures that I take a seat in the rocking chair. “I don’t know about this…” I say and begin to back up toward the door.
“He’ll be okay in a minute. I just changed his diaper and he’s a little overstimulated.”
I sit in the chair and it feels uncomfortable. It’s not as plush as I expected it to be, and I make a mental note to buy a new one. Sam sleeps in this chair, and it can’t be comfortable for her.
Her left hand moves in a smooth circular motion as she rubs Kai’s back. His crying has stopped, but she continues to walk slowly around the room. I’m tense waiting for her to bring him to me. I look down at my hands, wondering how I’m going to hold him.
She approaches me and smiles. “You okay?” she asks.
“No.”
“Put your arms out and place your right elbow on the armrest.” I do as she says and she bends down slowly, transferring Kai into my stiff arms. “Try to relax. He’s very sensitive and will react to your rigidness.” I can’t relax and only stiffen my arms more. I’m surprised by the weight of him as my arms sink a little. He feels heavier than he looks. Her hands are no longer on him, and she places them on my shoulders, pressing down gently but firmly. I look up at her, surprised.
“You need to relax. Drop your shoulders and the tension will leave your arms.” She slides her hands from me and sits on the ottoman that she’s pulled close to us.
Kai squirms a little, and I look down at him, making eye contact for the very first time. His eyes are wide open and he’s looking right at me. My heart stops when I see the innocence and light in his eyes. He’s depending on me, and I’m his lifeline right now. I’m overcome with… I don’t know what. This isn’t a moment I ever envisioned happening. I’m holding a child. My son. This is so surreal, and I’m afraid I’m doing everything wrong. Sam places a hand on Kai’s head, stroking gently. “He sees you,” she says softly.
I can’t take my eyes off of him. He looks so content. Relaxed. I focus on taking deep, even breaths. I don’t want to jostle him, causing him to cry or become uncomfortable. Sam’s presence is soothing and I begin to relax. How does she have this power over Kai? Over me?
“Hey, buddy,” I say quietly. He blinks and purses his lips, like he’s about to blow a tiny little bubble.
“He’s hungry,” Sam says, and she places a warm bottle into my hand.
I look up at Sam and her eyes soften. “Don’t worry, I’ll walk you through it.”
She places her soft hand over mine and helps guide the bottle toward Kai’s mouth. The tip touches his lips, and he opens his mouth so he can eat. His eyes close immediately and he begins sucking on the bottle like his life depends on it.
“See how easy it is?” Sam asks and removes her hand from mine. She looks down at Kai affectionately.
“Now what?” I ask, and my nerves start to take hold of me again. “Am I feeding him too much? Has he eaten four ounces yet?”
“Not yet. He can’t eat that quickly. He’s probably only taken an ounce. Let’s give him another minute or two and then you’ll need to burp him. You’ll do that a couple of times before he finishes that bottle.”
Burp him? Shit.
“I don’t think I can do that.”
She walks over to one of the dressers and takes out what looks like a small white towel. She places it on my shoulder and settles her hand over mine again, helping me pull the bottle out of Kai’s mouth. He immediately starts to whimper, and my body stiffens along with his.
She helps guide my hands and Kai so he’s positioned against my upper chest and his head on my shoulder. His whimpering starts to turn to weak cries. Sam rubs his back, patting softly. “Do what I’m doing,” she instructs.
I replace her hand with mine and pat his back lightly. “You can do it a little harder. You won’t hurt him. Just alternate patting and rubbing.”
I continue the pattern and feel Kai stiffen under my hand. Suddenly, the loudest burp comes from his tiny mouth. I feel the vibration from the belch against my chest, and I let out a sigh of relief. It smells like sour milk and I look up at Sam. “Is that normal?” I ask.
She giggles a little and shrugs her shoulders. “The burp or the smell?”