“Both,” I say nervously.
“Yes, although that one was a little loud, even for him. You’ll get used to the smell.”
I scrunch my nose and breathe through my mouth so I don’t gag.
“Now what?” I ask. Kai begins to whimper again.
“Move him back to your arms so you can feed him some more.”
I follow her directions, and he’s positioned and ready to take more from the bottle. Sam hands it to me, and I place it back in his mouth. We repeat the same pattern three more times until he’s finished the whole thing.
After his last burp, he becomes limp and settles comfortably against my chest. Sam brings over a crescent moon-shaped pillow. She places it under my arms gently, giving me extra support. I relax a bit more and take a deep breath.
“He’s really taken to you. I can’t believe how smoothly that went,” Sam says, clearly surprised.
“I’m shocked,” I say.
She sits on the bed across from me and folds her legs in front of her like a pretzel. “He looks like you,” she says and smiles.
“Yeah?”
“You have the same exact eyes. Right down to the incredible lashes.” She blushes, like she regrets telling me she’s noticed my eyes.
“I don’t see it,” I say, pretending her comment didn’t faze me.
“Should I lay him back down?” I ask.
“No, keep him like that for at least twenty minutes. Since he has GERD, he should remain upright so the acid reflux doesn’t make him uncomfortable.”
“Okay.”
My breathing becomes slow and regular, in perfect sync with Kai’s. He’s out cold, and I’m thankful for that. It was amazing looking into his eyes earlier, but I worry that when he’s awake, he’s more likely to feel that pain that is constantly moving throughout his body.
“You’re not going to leave me alone with him, are you?” I ask, terrified of her answer.
“Let’s not worry about that yet, okay? Let’s focus on getting you more comfortable just holding him. Like I said, everything else will come in time, and soon you’ll be a natural.”
I begin to rock slowly in the chair, and I’m amazed when I feel Kai relax even more. He brings his tiny hand to his mouth and begins sucking on one of his knuckles. “Is he still hungry?” I ask.
“No, that’s just something he does.” She smiles and watches him intently. “How do you feel?” she asks, her gaze traveling to me.
“Fucking terrified,” I say, and her eyes widen. I’m terrified that I’m going to do something wrong. Terrified that I’m going to hurt Kai. Terrified of being a bad father.
“It’s going to be okay,” she says, and I want to believe her.
I’m tense again, and Kai starts to stir. I feel his back arch against my hand and his entire body stiffens. “What’s happening?” I ask as I sit up straight.
Sam jumps from the bed and quickly swipes him from my arms. “Shh, shh, shh,” she whispers in his ear. She rhythmically pats his bottom as she walks back and forth across the room. His cries subside and I’m thankful. I don’t think I could listen to those piercing high-pitched screams from earlier.
I stand up and move over to the bed. I try to relax, kicking off my shoes. Sam sits in the rocking chair and cradles him in her arms.
“You don’t have to stay,” she says. “He’s going to be asleep for a few hours. Lesson number one of baby boot camp: always sleep when your baby sleeps.”
I pull the pillow from behind me and lie down on my side like I did last night. “I’ll listen to that advice and you should too.”
Her eyes look heavy, and I know she wants me to leave so she can sleep.
“Thank you,” she says softly.
I’m surprised and wonder why on earth she would be thanking me. “Why?”
“For trying. And for giving your son a chance to find his way into your heart.” She closes her eyes and adjusts the blanket over her and Kai.
I watch them intently. She looks beautiful holding my son in her arms and so peaceful as she drifts off to sleep.
She likes my eyelashes.
Kai isn’t the only one grabbing a piece of my heart.
Sam
Past
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 16
“THANK YOU, MISS WESTON. We’ll be in touch if we need anything else. I’m so sorry for your loss.” My family’s lawyer picks up the pile of papers that Aunt Peggy just signed and leaves the room.
She stands up and reaches for my hand. “Let’s go home.”
Home.
“My home is a pile of rubble, Aunt Peggy.”
That fucker blew up my parents along with himself and the kitchen. The rest of the house burned to the ground, around their charred bodies. I can’t get the image of my pregnant mother screaming for help out of my brain. My father, lying helplessly unconscious on the floor.
She’s silent as she leads me from the room.
“What am I going to do, Aunt Peggy?” I ask, not really expecting an answer. I’m an orphan at sixteen.
“I’m here, Sam, and I’m not going anywhere,” she promises as she pulls me against her.
“How can you promise that? How do you even know? They’re gone, and all it took was a second…” I question her, practically accusing her of something she would never do.
“Honey, I will do my best to make sure I stay here with you. That’s all I can do.”
WE RIDE SILENTLY BACK TO OUR HOUSE, and I rush up to the room that used to be the guest room but is now mine. A box sits on the dresser that I’ve been terrified to open. It contains everything I own. Aunt Peggy went to the house and pleaded with the investigators to take what they could from what used to be my room. They sifted through charred furniture and clothes, and this box is all I have left.
There are messages taped to the top of the dresser on yellow Post-it Notes from Cassie. She’s been leaving them on the front door, begging me to call her. My aunt has been moving them to my room to remind me to call my best friend.
I pick up the phone and dial blindly.
“Cassie?” I say when I hear her voice. The sobs come frequently and without prejudice. I sometimes go days without crying and other days I cry every five minutes. The loss is crushing and debilitating. I can’t feel anything but immense grief and sadness.
“Hey, Sam,” she says softly. “How are you?”
How can I answer that question?
I suck.
Life sucks.
My family is gone.
I’m alone.
I don’t want to feel anything anymore.
“Not good, Cass,” is all I say in response.
“Do you want some company?” she asks.
This grief is crippling, and I can’t imagine unloading it on my best friend.
“No.”
She sighs heavily and I feel bad. She wants desperately to help me through this. But nobody can. Until you feel the utter loss and destruction that I have, you just can’t understand what I’m going through.
“Okay. Call me if you need anything. I love you,” she says, and we hang up the phone.
I have nothing left to love.
The box sits on my dresser, and I lay my hands on it. Am I ready to do this? Dread fills my chest as I lift the box and carry it over to my bed. I sit down next to it tuck my feet underneath me. This small box contains the remnants of my entire life.
I pull one side open and the rest of the sides pop up. The smell of smoke and ash fills my nostrils, causing my eyes to water and my throat to burn. Am I breathing them in? Are they a part of this ash?