“I’m sorry,” I say.
“You should be.” She snaps back at me. “Why did you kiss me? You shouldn’t have done that. We shouldn’t—” Her eyes are filled with guilt. The pain on her face is evident.
“Why don’t you sit down. Let me get you some ice.” I walk past her to the freezer and grab an ice pack.
I’m surprised by how quickly she agrees and she hops into the den, throwing herself on the couch. She’s breathing heavily and squirming in pain. “I really think I broke something.” She seems to forget why she was yelling at me a few seconds ago, and I sit on the couch and pull her feet onto my lap.
“Ouch. My God, it hurts bad.”
I look down and see that bruising has already started on the top of her foot, spreading toward her big toe. There’s some swelling, but not a lot. I place the ice gingerly on the spot that looks the worst, and she stiffens. “Cold, cold, cold,” she repeats, and eventually her foot relaxes under the ice pack.
She leans back and props a pillow underneath her head. She’s staring at the ceiling, I’m sure contemplating what insults to hurl my way.
“I don’t know what came over me. I shouldn’t have kissed you,” I apologize again as I carefully hold the ice in place. I look down at her feet and admire how cute they are.
“Don’t look at my feet. They’re gross. I haven’t had a pedicure in months, and I can’t imagine what they look like right now.”
“They’re not bad, considering you just dropped a ten-pound box of formula on one of them.”
She takes a deep breath and tries to stretch out her injured foot. “I should probably go to urgent care or something.”
“Let’s see if the swelling goes down with the ice on it,” I suggest. I don’t want her to leave. “Besides, it’s your driving foot, and I’m sure you won’t be able to get anywhere on your own.”
She looks over at the clock on the wall, and we both notice it’s after ten. “It’s too late to call Peggy,” she says and shifts a little on the couch.
We sit in silence for a while, and I say, “I’m an asshole.”
“Yes, you are,” she replies through a smirk.
“Tonight was really weird for me. After I calmed down Kai, I felt invincible. I almost convinced myself that if I had to, I could do this on my own. I stared at him in his crib, looking peaceful and calm, and it felt good. I was proud of what I could accomplish. You gave me that strength.” Her eyes soften and she smiles.
I realize I’m rubbing her foot softly, and since she’s not complaining, I keep doing it.
“Then I started to panic, thinking about everything and anything that could possibly go wrong. I pictured him screaming and crying in pain again and I felt helpless. I’m not a father. I can’t be a good father. I freaked out and came downstairs to calm down. That’s just before you came in. My emotions were high, and I’m sorry I grilled you about D—I mean Richard.”
She tilts her head so she can look at me. There’s pity on her face, and I don’t like that look. “You did great tonight, Garrett. Seriously. And you did this on your own. I didn’t give you anything you didn’t already have inside yourself.” I want to tell her how wrong she is.
She tries to shift and move her foot.
“Stay still before you hurt yourself more,” I scold her and hold her foot firmly in place on my lap. “For a nurse, you sure are a difficult patient.”
She nods her head. “Yes, I always have been.”
We sit quietly for a few more minutes, and she speaks again.
“Richard means nothing to me, just so you know. I went out with him as a favor to Marcie. He’s her cousin. She’s been bugging me for months. Now who’s the asshole?” She takes a deep breath and her eyes soften. “I’m sorry I missed Pizza Thursday, Garrett. I would have rather been here.” She nestles into the couch further, and I continue to rub her foot.
“I’m sorry,” I say again.
“Things are a bit strange here, huh?” she says, and I shrug my shoulders.
“We’re thrown together like this, and it’s unnatural. We’ve been playing house for months and spending a lot of time together. Is that why you kissed me?” she asks quietly. There’s nothing unnatural about the way I feel about her.
“I don’t know, Sam. It just felt… right. In the moment.” I’ve wanted to claim her lips for so long.
She raises her fingers and slowly brushes her bottom lip. I kissed her so hard they look swollen, puffy. “I’m really sorry,” I say. “It won’t happen again, I promise.”
The look on her face confuses me. Is it regret? Disappointment? Curiosity?
“A little advice: you should warn a girl if you’re going to dive in like that. I think you broke my tooth.” A smile spreads across her face, and I feel the tension leave her body.
“Next time I promise I’ll warn you.” I throw my head back on the leather cushion and sigh. “I’m such an asshole.”
“I’m glad you’re finally admitting it,” she jokes, and I pinch her good foot.
“Owww!” she screeches, and I bring my finger to my lips.
“Please don’t wake him up. Let’s hope he sleeps at least another hour,” I say.
She smiles again and I’m captivated by her. Even in pain, she’s flawless. Her curls cascade around her face, and I have a sudden urge to wrap them around my fingers. She’s cast a spell on me, and I feel weak.
“I’m sorry I got mad at you,” she says. “It’s just, we didn’t get off on the right foot when I first came here. I was so angry with you and your lack of empathy for your own child. I didn’t understand why you couldn’t bring yourself to love him and care for him. I’ve worked with critically ill babies for so long, and I don’t remember ever having to convince a parent to be there for them. You confused me. And worried me.”
Her instincts were right on so many levels. Kai scared me. He still scares me. “If I avoided everything, I thought it would go away.”
“That’s cowardice,” she says.
“I know.”
“When you told me about your parents’ reaction to Kai, it made me happy. Your mom gave you good advice.” She smiles warmly, “She seems like a great lady.”
My parents were supposed to come visit Kai several weeks ago, but they changed their plans when Bill got sick. He was in bed with the flu for almost ten days, and they decided to wait a little while longer before coming up. They’re worried about bringing germs with them. I FaceTimed with them last week, and they were so happy to lay eyes on a sleeping Kai. My mother had tears in her eyes when she saw him in my arms.
“She is. She’s been through a lot in her life, and she got through it all with shining colors. Bill has been a great husband and father to me, and I’m grateful for that. Even though I don’t show it as much as I should—or ever.”
“You’re lucky, Garrett. You have two parents here to love you and Kai.” Her face is solemn, and I feel compelled to ask about her parents again. The last time I did, she shut it down. She’s reluctant to reminisce, and I feel intrusive when I ask.
“Yeah. My gene pool isn’t perfect, but I shouldn’t complain about where I’ve come from.” Now I want to change the subject because the thought of my birth father makes my skin crawl.
Her eyes are heavy, and she looks like she’s about to fall asleep.
“I’ll make you a deal,” I say, surprising myself.
“What?” she says groggily.
“Take the rest of the night off. Completely. I’ll stay with Kai in his room, and you can sleep in the guest room.” For once, she’ll get a good night sleep without any interruptions. I want to do this for her.
She raises her eyebrows and shakes her head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. You haven’t done a complete overnight with him ever. I’m usually an arms-length away. I don’t think you know what you’re agreeing to.”
Neither do I, but I continue, “If I can make it through, we can talk about a schedule so I can give you back some time to yourself. You’ve been caring tirelessly for Kai for months, and most of the time you’ve done it on your own.”