I open the refrigerator and take out Kai’s baby food jars. I open the jar of pureed peas and inhale deeply. I gag from the smell and my hard-on deflates. Crisis averted.
I prepare his food and line it up on the counter near his high chair. Peas, rice cereal and formula. I make sure to grab a roll of paper towels because he’s a complete slob when he eats. I should never have taught him how to blow raspberries because it’s all he does with his food.
After several minutes, Sam appears with Kai, and he’s giggling and talking baby nonsense. He points to me and drools. Seeing him in her arms brings me a harsh dose of reality. Soon she’ll be gone, and the unconventional family that we’ve formed over the past six months will be no longer.
I have one goal tonight after the band leaves, and I intend to make it happen. When she moves out and goes back to work, she’s going to need a reason to come back to see us.
Tonight, I plan on giving her multiple reasons.
OUR RECORDING SESSION WAS SEMI-SUCCESSFUL. We didn’t get three tracks done, but we got two, so that’s progress. Dax and Tristan left ten minutes ago, and Heath and I are reclined on the theater chairs in the media room.
“Your songs are awesome,” I say to Heath.
“Thanks. I wasn’t sure if you guys were going to like them. The lyrics are a little more subdued than what you’re used to, but I think the bass and lead guitar bring them to the level our fans are used to.”
“I think ‘Blind Fury’ is going to be a chart-topper,” I say.
“You think?”
“Yeah, it has a chorus that just builds so powerfully. I think it may be one of our best songs yet. Just don’t tell Alex.” I smile, and he raises his beer to his lips.
“How’re things?” he asks.
It’s odd talking to Heath like this. Ever since everything went down with Sadie, he and I have this unusual bond. I’ve never really opened up to any of the guys like I have with Heath. He knows so much about my family and even my birth father. He knows more than anyone, including Sam.
“Sam’s going back to work,” I say and hang my head. “I’m not ready for her to leave.”
“You knew this day was coming, right? She couldn’t stay here forever. In fact, she should have left a month ago when Kai had his last check-up at the doctor. Remember the doctor said that all of the effects of his drug exposure have pretty much disappeared?”
He’s right. Sam and I both knew then it was only a matter of time. She said she was going to find me a nanny, and even she’s been dragging her feet. Kai no longer needs a live-in nurse. He just needs a father.
And a mother.
“I wonder how Kai is going to do without her here,” I say, and my heart pulls.
“Dude, what are you going to do without her?”
“I don’t know.” I want to have all of the answers, but I don’t. I can’t picture this house without her in it. I just know that I need her here with us. With me.
Heath sits up straight in his chair and leans forward. “Are you in love with her?”
His words take me by surprise. “What?” What kind of question is that?
“You heard me, but your expression tells me. You’re in love with her,” he states and smirks, proud of himself.
I don’t answer because I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of being right. I’ve never been in love with anyone. Ever. How do I know what I’m feeling is love? Maybe it’s just super lust. But my heart tells me otherwise. It’s been hurting since the day I realized this arrangement was going to end.
“Whatever,” I say and ignore his obvious gloating.
“Answer me this: when was the last time you got laid?” His question surprises me, but I know he already knows the answer to that too.
“I don’t remember,” I admit, because it really has been that long.
“The night before you found out about Kai,” Heath answers for me, and I nod in agreement.
“Why does it matter to you?” I ask, annoyed. “Besides, I’ve had a lot to deal with here, don’t you think?”
He shrugs and places his empty beer on the table. “Glad we got to chat, dude, but I gotta go. Same time next week?”
I stand up with him and we walk toward the stairs. “Yeah, maybe sooner if Dax can make it on Wednesday. I’ll keep you posted.”
“Keep your chin up, lover boy. Sam doesn’t live too far from here so you can see her whenever you want.” He walks out, and I lock the door behind him.
I take the stairs two at a time and rush down the hall to Kai’s room, where I’m sure Sam still is. I want to see her now. Be with her now. I can’t even think ahead to when she’s not under my roof.
I open the door quietly and hear the familiar music playing. Sam is asleep on the bed with Kai tucked in next to her. I stand over them and see my ‘family’ and want to do everything in my power to keep us together. I notice a stuffed animal that I’ve never seen before. It’s a very old stuffed dog that looks like it may have been through the washing machine several hundred times. It’s gray with the faintest pink tint to it. Kai is clutching it by the ear. I wonder where that came from.
I lift him from the bed and place him gently in his crib. He’s still grasping the dog, and I let him keep it. Then I scoop Sam into my arms. She’s limp and sound asleep. I hesitate in front of her door and then walk down the hall, carrying her into my room. This is where I want her. I gently lay her on my bed and she rolls to her side, sighing heavily. I can’t imagine how exhausted she is after her swim earlier today.
Without thinking, I strip down to my boxer briefs. I slide into bed next to her as easily as I can without disrupting her sleep. Despite what I wanted to do to her earlier, at the moment I just want her to be close. I need to feel her warmth. I drape my arm over hers and pull myself against her. She stirs slightly and then entwines her fingers with mine.
“You awake?” I whisper in her ear and she shivers in my arms.
“No,” she whispers back, and I smile.
“You let me carry you all the way in here when you could have walked?”
“I think I woke up halfway here. When you bumped my foot against the door.” She laughs quietly and I kiss the back of her neck.
She rolls onto her back, keeping our fingers locked together on top of her stomach, and turns her head to look at me, our noses only inches apart.
“Tell me about the stuffed dog,” I demand, and she looks at me questioningly.
“You mean the Dalmatian? I have no idea where that came from.”
“I gave that to him. It reminds me of one I had just like it when I was younger. The other dog, the one he’s sleeping with.”
“Googie,” she says, and I wonder what language she’s speaking.
“What?”
“It’s my Googie. I got him from my parents the day I was born. When I was old enough to talk, I called him Googie because I couldn’t say doggy. The name just stuck.”
“Googie,” I say, smiling, and kiss the tip of her nose.
She slides a little closer to me so our lips touch softly.
“Kai means everything to me, Garrett. But it’s time for me to leave.” Her eyes look apologetic.
“I know.”
“I love him. I’ve never felt this way about a baby that I’ve cared for. I’m in love with your son.” She squeezes my hand and I kiss her gently on the lips.
“You’ve gone above and beyond. Kai wouldn’t be where he is now without you.” I pause and kiss her again.
“Garrett?” she asks quietly.
“Yes?” I nuzzle into her.
“What’s happening between us?” she asks.
I don’t hesitate when I respond.