I have no intention of being here tonight.
Garrett
Present
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 27
“KAI’S SOUND ASLEEP,” PEGGY SAYS as she settles on the couch in the den. Max is away on vacation, and Peggy jumped at the chance to stay and help out. She’s actually planning to spend the night tonight, hoping I’ll be successful with our plan.
“Did you see her?” I ask. She dropped by her house earlier today with Kai so Sam could spend some time with him. It’s been a while since she’s seen him, and I know Peggy takes him as much as she can. I don’t mind this at all and wish they would do it more often. Sam was such an integral part of the first six months of his life, and it would kill me to know that Kai didn’t get to see her. I know he misses her.
“I did,” Peggy responds. “She got to see Kai crawl. As soon as I put him down on the floor, he took off right into her arms. You should have seen how happy he was to see her.” The vision of this hurts more than I expect. I want my son to be happy and to be with Sam. Hell, I want to be with her. Picturing him crawling and throwing himself into her arms drives deep into my chest. It’s what should be.
“Well?” I ask, knowing I sent a note. This was all Peggy’s idea, and I’m worried it’s going to blow up in everyone’s faces. “Did she read it?”
“Oh, I don’t know. We left before she could open the bag. I’m not sure, actually.” She smirks and lifts her Kindle onto her lap. “I’m sure she’s read it by now,” she says and begins to read.
Shit.
“I can’t just show up there if she hasn’t read my note,” I say and start pacing around the room. “I haven’t seen her in three months, Peggy. I wish you had stayed long enough for her to tell you it was okay for me to come.” This was a really bad idea, and now I’m regretting even suggesting we get together.
“Relax, Garrett.” She glances at the clock. “You should head over in a few minutes, otherwise you’ll be cooking that pizza at midnight.” She grins and looks back down at her Kindle.
I huff. “This is a mistake.” I swipe my keys from the counter and head out.
When I pull up to their house, it’s dark. Sam’s car is in the driveway, but it looks like there’s nobody home. I park my car next to hers and hesitantly get out. The front porch light isn’t on, and I wonder if she’s trying to tell me something.
Fuck it.
I didn’t come all the way over here just to wonder ‘what if.’ I reach the front door and ring the bell and wait. And wait. She isn’t answering. I ring again and nothing. I knock loudly and peer through the window pane. Either she’s hiding in there or she’s not even here.
Yes, this was a mistake.
I sink down onto the front step and kick my legs out in front of me. What was I expecting? That she was going to open the door and fly into my arms? Tell me how much she missed me? Declare her undying love for me? I’m an idiot.
I pull out my phone, about to hit her speed dial, when a car pulls into the driveway. The lights flash toward me and I lift my arm up to shield my eyes. The driver’s window lowers, and Cassie’s voice screeches across the yard, “Hey, Garrett! How are you?”
I can’t see her because of the blinding lights. “I’m good,” I say and stand up. The passenger door opens and Sam emerges.
“Sam was just telling me all about Kai’s visit today. I can’t believe how big he’s getting,” she says. “Take care!” Her window closes and she backs out of the driveway, leaving Sam standing in place.
Neither of us moves for what seems like forever. She eventually takes a step toward me then stops. “What are you doing here?” she asks, and her arms fall to her sides.
“I thought—I mean, it’s Thursday, and I thought… ” Fuck.
She walks up the sidewalk, shaking her head, and pushes past me to open the front door.
“I don’t know what you thought, Garrett, but I’d rather you leave.” Her voice is cold, reminding me of the very first time we spoke. How much disdain she felt for me when she thought I was a heartless prick who wanted nothing to do with my own son.
“Can we talk?” I ask weakly. Can I hold you?
“I don’t think so,” she says and walks into the house. She leaves the door open and I don’t hesitate to follow her inside.
“I didn’t invite you in,” she says and drops her bag onto the counter. Something catches my eye at the top of the garbage can, and I see my note, crumbled.
“You got my note?” I ask, and she turns to face me.
“I did.”
“You weren’t here,” I say and take another step toward her.
“No, and I wasn’t planning on coming home this early either. I’d still be out if Cassie hadn’t been called into work.” Her tone is cutting through me, and I can’t take much more of this. I can’t stand the way she’s looking at me, with disdain. Hatred?
“Sam, I—”
“Please, don’t.” She cuts me off and leans against the counter.
“Tell me what I did wrong. Because the way I see things, I didn’t do anything, yet you shut me out.” I’m here and I want answers. The only woman I’ve ever loved is standing a few feet away from me and she’s staring at me like I’m a demon.
“I can’t do this,” she says and sighs. “Please.”
I close the distance between us and I grab her hand. She immediately flinches and jerks it away. “What did I do?” I raise my voice and she brushes past me. “Sam, I didn’t kill your parents!” I yell at her and she picks up her pace, darting for the stairs. “Talk to me, please!”
She takes off up the stairs and I hear a door slam. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I take the stairs two at a time, following the sound of her soft sobs. When I reach her door, they stop. “Garrett, I need you to leave.” She sniffles, and I rest my head against her door.
“I can’t,” I say.
“Please. Leave.” Her voice shakes, and I want to bust down this door. I need to make this right. I need her.
Moments pass, and she’s quiet and still inside her room. I place my hand on the doorknob and start to turn.
Then I stop.
I can’t force my way into her room. Into her life. Into her heart. She wants nothing to do with me, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I release the doorknob and place my palm against the door. “I love you, Sam,” I whisper and slowly back away. Down the stairs. Into my car.
I love you, Sam.
Garrett
Present
Three Months Later
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 27
“I THINK WE’RE ABOUT READY to send this to the label,” Dax says and pushes himself back in the chair. “It sounds amazing.”
Tristan and Heath nod in agreement and they fist bump each other.
“It’s one of our best albums yet,” Dax interjects.
A lot of heart and pieces of each of our souls have been injected into this album. I’m not quite sure any of us will ever be the same again.