After we dry off and I change his soaked diaper, I carry Kai back to the main house. I’m still shaken from what just happened. I place him on the floor after I’ve ensured that all of the gates have been locked throughout the downstairs. We have an entire baby gate system on the first and second floors. If the unlikely event occurs and Kai’s able to breech one gate, there’s always a backup that has a different locking mechanism. It’s ironic that the inside of the house is so secure, yet a major catastrophe almost occurred outside in the pool house. I vow to make sure that never happens again, and I jot down a note on the pad that I share with Peggy and Max.
Play Yard
Pool Safety Class
Swim Instructions?
Peggy and Max are going to be full of questions, and I decide that I’m not going to tell them what happened today. The crisis was averted and that’s what matters. I will never put Kai in harm’s way again. I drop the pen next to the pad and look for my phone.
Kai is playing on the floor with some plastic cups and containers, banging them together and laughing. I sit down next to him as I swipe through my phone, reading messages from Dax. We have a busy couple of weeks ahead of us as we plan for the beginning of our upcoming tour. The management company has been easy on us and instead of scheduling one long road trip, they planned the tour in manageable trips. We’ll spend less time on a bus and more time in the air as we’re flown in and out of various venues and then back home again. This is going to work for me, but my heart sinks knowing there will be several days a month when I’m not home with Kai.
I lock the phone on the home screen and see the wallpaper picture. It’s Kai and Sam. It’s the same picture that I had enlarged and hung on his bedroom wall. He’s about to kiss her, and her smile is huge. It’s my favorite picture of the two of them, and it sums up the happiness and joy that she brought into our home.
“Ma-ma,” Kai says next to me, and I’m startled. He’s pointing to my phone and sees the picture of him and Sam.
“What did you say, little dude?” I ask him.
“Ma-ma.” He tries to grab the phone and I give it to him.
“Ma-ma. Ma-ma. Ma-ma.” He continues to say this as his pudgy finger presses into the screen on Sam’s face.
Tears fill my eyes as I witness the joy and irony of the situation. I can’t imagine where he would have learned that word because I’ve never referred to Sam as ‘mama.’ Yes, she was like a mother to Kai for so many months, but that word has never left my mouth.
I realize a sobering truth.
Sam is the only mother Kai has ever known.
Sam
Present
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 24
“NO, CASSIE. DON’T BRING THIS TOPIC UP AGAIN,” I say and slide across the room on my rolling chair. I’m updating medical records and need to use two different computers at the same time. I’ve been gliding back and forth for the past twenty minutes, and I’m starting to get dizzy.
“I refuse to back down,” she says firmly. “Pick up the phone and call him for God’s sake. How much longer are you going to suffer alone? Garrett didn’t fill your home up with gas and flick the lighter. Why can’t you see that? He didn’t know, Sam.”
This conversation is tiresome. I thought that by escaping to the beach a few weekends ago, she would have started to let up on this incessant banter. It happens at least once a day, if not twice. How can she not understand that I can’t bring myself to be with the son of my family’s killer? It’s macabre. It’s wrong. Garrett may not have blown up my family, but the genes in his body carry the DNA from a deranged, drug-addicted gambler. Who’s to say Garrett won’t develop the same tendencies as his father?
“Do you think you have the right to see Kai without any formal arrangement with Garrett?” she asks and folds her arms across her chest.
“What?”
“Seriously. Think about it. He doesn’t have to let you see his son, ever. But he does. He knows what an important part of Kai’s life you’ve been, and he doesn’t deny his visits with you. You’re practically Kai’s mother, Sam. Why don’t you start acting like it and show some compassion for his father? Garrett’s in love with you. Jesus, Sam. You’re such an asshole!”
She paces through the NICU with her arms folded tightly against her chest.
“You may be trying to punish Garrett for what his father did, but you’re punishing Kai worse.” Her words cause my breath to whoosh from my lungs. They cut deep and it hurts.
I never thought of it that way.
“You would tell anyone listening that you moved beyond your parents’ cause of death and have accepted their gifts to you of acceptance, healing and love. C’mon, Sam, stop being a fucking hypocrite.”
Another punch to the gut.
Why do her words suddenly seem so true when for the past six months, I’ve been fighting them?
“Oh my God,” I say and stop in my chair.
“Are you finally getting it?” She twists the knife a little further into my heart.
“I get it, yes.” Tears prick my eyes and I hang my head.
“Good. I’m sorry I got you upset,” she says, walking toward me. She bends to hug me, and I throw my arms around her neck. “But you needed to really listen to me,” she says, and I nod against her chest. “Now what are you going to do about it?”
“Good morning, ladies.” Dr. Hagan’s peaceful voice floats through the room. Marcie and Becky trail closely behind her. We’re about to change shifts and our routine begins.
I PULL INTO OUR DRIVEWAY and am surprised to see Aunt Peggy’s car. She’s been so busy lately now that Epic Fail has been using Garrett’s house as their recording studio. She complains about it a little, but I know she’s secretly happy to be able to take care of all of them. My heart sinks when I think of Kai. I miss him so much.
“Sam, you’re home,” she says in her sing-song voice. “You look exhausted.”
“Back-to-back shifts will do that,” I say and sink into the living room couch.
“Kai started walking the other day,” she exclaims, and I smile from ear to ear.
“Really? That’s amazing.” I can’t believe I missed it.
“Max said he was table surfing like a pro and then just let go and kept going. He falls a lot, but it doesn’t stop him. No way.”
“Quiet at the house today?” I ask Peggy. She gives me a sideways look and knows I’m trying to fish for information.
“Garrett’s at his lawyer’s office today, and Max is home with Kai.” Her face lights up and she continues, “You know, Garrett will be gone for a few hours. You should go over to the house and see Kai walk. I know he’d love to see you too.”
I sigh. I haven’t been back to the house since that day. The day that everything between us changed.
I kick off my Danskos and curl my legs underneath me. “I haven’t slept in forty-eight hours. That’s my priority right now.” Cassie’s words ring in my head and my aunt’s expression elicits guilt.
You’re punishing Kai.
I stand up and slide back into my shoes before I change my mind. I hear Peggy breathe a sigh of relief when I walk toward the front door. “Give Kai a kiss for me, okay?”
“Of course,” I say and shut the door.