“About this week-end.” She turned to face me. “How could you, Clive? How could you do such a thing? Have you gone crazy?”
Here it comes, I thought. “If I knew what you were talking about . . .”
“Why lie to me? I know what happened. I should have thought by now you’d got all that out of your system. You still don’t think you’re a college boy, do you?”
I stared at her. “What do you mean? Got what out of my system?”
She sat down again. “Oh, Clive, at times, you arc stupid and hateful,” she said, wearily. Anger had gone out of her voice. She was now desperately unhappy. “You want to be irresistible, don’t you? You want to be the big charmer and sweep all the women off their feet. Why do you pick on a woman like that? Where do you think it’ll get you?”
I reached impatiently for a cigarette. “You’re saying some pretty hard things, Carol.” I was controlling my temper with difficulty. “I’m not in the mood to stand much more of this.
Maybe you’d better go back to the Studio before we say something we’ll be sorry about later.”
She sat still for a few seconds, her hands clenched on her knees and her body tense. Then she drew a deep breath and relaxed. “I’m sorry, Clive,” she said. “I’m going the wrong way about it. Can’t you stop all this? Can’t you just drop the whole thing? It’s not too late, Clive.”
I flicked ash angrily onto the carpet. “You’re making a fuss about nothing,” I said. “For God’s sake, Carol, you must be sensible.”
“Did you get anywhere with her over the week-end?” she asked abruptly. “Has she fallen for your charms yet?”
I jerked to my feet. “Now look, Carol, I’ve had enough of this. I’d much rather you go. We’ll hurt each other in a moment.
“Rex Gold has asked me to marry him.”
Years ago I was kicked by a horse. It was my own fault. I had been warned of its viciousness, but I thought I could handle it. But it suddenly had lashed out and I remembered lying on the wet, muddy ground, pain twisting at my guts and staring at the horse, not believing that it could have done this to me. I felt the same twisting pain in my guts now.
“Gold?” I said and sat down again.
Carol beat her fists together. “I shouldn’t have told you now,” she said. “It’s blackmail, isn’t it, Clive? No, I shouldn’t have told you now.”
“I didn’t think that Gold . . .” and I stopped.
Why not? She was lovely. She was good at her job. She would make Gold a fine wife.
“What are you going to do?” I asked, after a long silence.
“I don’t know,” she said. “Not after this week-end.”
“What has the week-end to do with it?” I asked. “I’d’ve thought it was whether you loved him or not.”
“Not in Hollywood,” Carol said. “You know that as well as I do. If I thought that you and I . . .” She stopped, hesitated, and then went on, “You’re making it very hard for me, aren’t you?”
I didn’t say anything.
“You see, I love you, Clive.”
I reached out to take her hand, but she drew away. “No, don’t touch me. Let me talk. I’ve stood an awful lot from you. We’ve known each other for two years now. I suppose it’s silly of me to live in the past, but I can’t help remembering you when you first came to see Robert Rowan. Neither of us were anybody then. I liked you the moment I saw you. I thought your play was fine. I thought anyone who had these kind of sentiments must be good and kind and decent. I liked the scared, embarrassed look you always had when Rowan talked to you. You were simple and nice and not like the other men who came to that office. I thought you were going to do great things; that’s why I told you to come out here and leave New York and everything it stood for. There was a time, before you found all your other friends, when you were glad to have me for company. We went everywhere and did everything. Once you asked me to marry you and I said yes. But, you’d forgotten about it the next morning. You didn’t even bother to call me. I don’t know, even now, how you feel about me, but I know how I feel about you. But that doesn’t mean that I’m holding you to anything. That’s not the way I want you.”
I wished she had not started this. I knew a decision had to be made and I wanted time to think. Until Saturday night, I loved Carol, now I was not sure. I knew I could not let her go on talking like this, stripping herself in front of me, unless I met her half-way. Otherwise, it would finish when she left mc and I did not want it to finish. She was important to mc. She represented the past two years which were the best years of my life. She represented understanding and kindness. She gave mc confidence. It scared me to think what it would be like without her.
“I believed you when you said you loved me,” she went on. “I suppose it was because you meant so much to me. There was something fine about you, Clive, when you were poor. I suppose success is bad for some people. It’s been bad for you. You sec, I’m worried about you. I can’t really see how you’re going to get anywhere now. You haven’t learned anything new since you first began to write. You think you have the magic touch, but you haven’t. No one has . . . there isn’t such a thing. It all comes from working and never being satisfied and moving on to a bigger theme each time you write. Then, of course, you must feel you want to say something and that something must be worth while saying.”
“That’s a terrific speech,” I said impatiently, “but we’ll take it as read if you don’t mind. What about you? Are you going to marry Gold?”
She closed her eyes. “I don’t know,” she said. “I don’t want to, but it has many advantages.”
“Are you sure?”
“Gold has imagination . . . power . . . money. He would give me a free hand. There are some great pictures to be made. Perhaps that is something you won’t understand, Clive. But I’m ambitious. Not for myself. I want to see better pictures made. I could influence Gold. He would listen to me.”
“Never mind about educating the world, let’s concentrate on ourselves. You don’t have to marry Gold to educate the world, do you?”
“Would you mind?”
I had to talk now or I’d lose her. “Of course I’d mind, but I want you to try to see it from my angle. I love you. I’ve loved you for a long time, but there isn’t much I can do about it right now. Something’s gone wrong. I can’t write any more. If something doesn’t happen soon, I’ll be in a fix. I’ve been in a fix before, of course, but I’ve always been alone. I couldn’t stand being in a fix with you.”
She examined her slim brown hands. “It’s only because you are out of touch with the things that matter. You’ve been having too good a time.” She paused, adjusted her cuffs so that they hid her wrists, and then jerked out, “Why did you have to take that woman where you would be seen together?”
Rage swept through me. “So that goddam success-writer squawked, did he?” I said. “I thought he would. That’s just about his weight — making mischief and gossiping.”
“Jerry Highams saw you too,” Carol said wearily.
“Well, what of it? Highams knows why I’m seeing her.
There’s nothing else to it Carol. I wouldn’t lie to you. I’ve a whale of a story I want to write about her. But that’s all.”
Carol stood up. “I must get back to the Studio,” she said. “I’m sorry about all this, Clive. There’s nothing we can do, is there?”
“Don’t you believe me?” I asked, going to her. “Gold commissioned this story. How else can I write it if I don’t meet the woman?”
She shook her head. “I don’t know, Clive, and I don’t particularly care. I’m rather tired of your women friends. I’ve had to share you with so many of them. I don’t feel like competing with professionals. Until you’ve dropped her, I think we’d better not meet.”