“There wouldn’t have been letters. The Army reported you dead.”
“I know. It was an exaggeration, but not much of one.”
“How did you know about Bonnie?” she repeated. “How did you know I’d had your child?”
“I didn’t know. I wasn’t sure.” He leaned back in the chair. “God, I’m sorry, Eve. I promised I’d protect you.”
“I didn’t let you. I was too full of my own independence and made a stupid mistake.” She paused. “But it wasn’t a mistake. Bonnie was … If I hadn’t given life to her, that would have been the mistake. She was the happiest, most loving little girl I’ve ever known.”
“But it wasn’t easy for you.”
“What difference does that make? She was here. I had her with me for seven years. Do you know what a miracle that is?”
“Shit.” He was suddenly across the room and kneeling on the floor by the bed. “No, I don’t know anything about miracles. Or maybe I do.” His voice was muffled against the bed. “Maybe you were a miracle, Eve. I was lost and you gave me … something. Yeah, it was sex, but I think maybe it was leading somewhere else. We were just afraid to follow it. So we lost it.”
“And now it’s too late.”
“Is it? I guess it is. But it’s not finished. I don’t know if it will ever be finished. Not now. Not after Bonnie.”
“John, you didn’t even know Bonnie.”
“Didn’t I?” He laid his cheek on her hand lying on the bed. “After I was caught and thrown into that prison, it was like being smothered alive. I reached out and tried to think of anything that would take me out of there. I thought of my uncle and the good times we had. And I thought of you, Eve. Sexual daydreams? Sure, some of them. But not all of them. Sometimes it was like being in a cool, clean lake. Everything around me was hot and dirty and full of pain. But you were none of those things.” He was silent for a long moment. “But as time passed, it got worse. They did things to me that made me—I couldn’t hold on to Uncle Ted or you. I think I knew I was dying.”
“John…”
“I’m not trying to make you feel sorry for me. I just have to tell you this. And you have to know it all. It was about three years after I was captured that I started to dream about Bonnie.”
She froze in shock.
“You don’t believe me. How could you? Okay, I dreamed about a little girl, red curly hair, hazel eyes. She was a toddler in the first dream. Happy, smiling … It made me feel … I don’t know. But I could hold on to her. I didn’t drift away. She saved me.”
“How … often did you have that dream?” she asked unevenly.
“Every night, I think. Sometimes I didn’t know whether it was night or day. I’d just close my eyes, and she’d be there. She seemed to get older … and she’d talk to me.”
“About what?”
He shook his head. “Just things. Once she was starting school and was excited. Sometimes she’d sing me songs that she’d learned. One song she liked a lot. Something about all the pretty little horses. Other times she’d just sit and smile at me. I think she knew when I was too bad off to talk to her.”
“All the Pretty Little Horses”? How often had Eve sung that song to Bonnie? Dear God, she had sung it to her the night before Bonnie was taken. She asked unsteadily, “And she told you her name was Bonnie?”
“No, after a while I just knew.” He paused. “Just as I knew she was a part of you. And of me.”
“Are you lying to me, John?” Her voice was shaking. “If you are, may you burn in hell.”
“I was burning in hell. I knew I was going crazy. The only thing that kept me sane was that little kid who sang and smiled and never once asked me one question about where I was or what was happening to me. Because she knew that I could never answer her.”
She closed her eyes to keep back the tears. “When did the dreams stop?”
“About a month after I reached Tokyo. I was still in the hospital fighting fever and raving with delusions. Then she wasn’t there any longer. I tried to tell myself that she was just part of the craziness. But I knew she was real. I’d heard of weird stuff happening in wartime. Wives visiting husbands at the front, telling them things … stuff like that. Astral projection they call it. But it wasn’t like that. She was there, she was real. She was … mine. I got scared. I had to make sure that she wasn’t a delusion, too. Because that would mean that I was truly insane. After they released me, I went back to Atlanta. You’d moved from the old housing development to a house on Morningside.”
“Yes, I wanted Bonnie out of the projects.”
“It was a pretty house, old, but pink geraniums were hanging from the front porch. I stayed across the street and watched until she came home from school. She was wearing a gold plaid top and jeans and some kind of sparkly fairy barrette to hold back her hair. You came out to the bus stop to meet her, and you took her hand. You smiled down at her, and I knew that you both were going to be all right. You were going to college, your mother was straightened out, and you loved that kid. You were going to have everything you ever wanted. You certainly didn’t need me. I was sick and half-crazy, and I’d have been more of a burden than the child I’d given you.”
“No, I didn’t need you,” she said unevenly. “But I wouldn’t have sent you away.”
“Pity?” He shook his head. “I couldn’t have taken it. Besides, I had a place to go. Queen and his buddies had a dozen jobs waiting for me overseas.” He added bitterly, “I was in demand. So I left Atlanta and didn’t come back to the U.S. for over three years. You know what happened during those three years. She was kidnapped about a month after I saw her and I didn’t even know until I’d returned to the country. Do you know how often I’ve wished that I’d gone up to you that day at Morningside? Maybe I could have done something, stopped it.”
Eve could feel his pain, deep, ragged, vibrating in the darkness. “She disappeared right before our eyes,” Eve said unsteadily. “One minute she was there, the next she was gone. Lost in the crowd at that park. Could you have done more than Sandra or me?”
“I don’t know. Life’s funny. Sometimes you move a piece, and everything changes. It’s a question that has haunted me.”
“It haunts all of us. It took me a long time, but now I accept that it’s the man who killed her who is to blame, not me.” Her hand reached out and gently touched his hair. “And not you, John.”
“I haven’t reached that point yet. I didn’t protect you. I didn’t protect her. That leaves me zero for two.” He caught her hand and held it tightly. “When I came back and found out about Bonnie, it blew me away. I was still balanced on the edge and it threw me down into the pit. When I fought my way out, it still took me a long time to come back.” His hand tightened. “I wanted to kill someone, but there wasn’t anyone to kill. So I went looking.”
“So did I.”
“I know. You’d think one of us would have been able to find him in all these years.” He paused. “But I think I’m coming close, Eve. I promise I’ll get him for you.”
She tensed. “Who? Tell me who.”
“So that I can get you killed, too?” He shook his head. “I’m a great destroyer, Eve. But I’m not going to destroy you. I’ve done enough to you.”
“Who is it? Black?”
His lips were warm as he brushed them against her palm, then gently put her hand back on the bed. “You took care of our Bonnie all those years.” He got to his feet. “Let me do this for her now.”
“The hell I will.”
“Now that’s the Eve I remember.” He turned and moved toward the door. “The burn…”
He wasn’t going to tell her. He was just going to leave her in turmoil and bewilderment. But there was one thing she had to know. “John.”
He stopped as he opened the door, a dark shadow outlined by the lights from the hall.
“Did you…” She stopped, then went on. “I know you said that your dreams of Bonnie stopped in that Tokyo hospital. But later…” She had to get it out. “Did you ever … dream of Bonnie after she was taken?”
Silence. He stood there, his head bent.