But he doesn’t have to know that.
Besides, even without those seven figures, I’m doing fine. Just as well as Grazi who sits. Probably.
And even if I’m not, the money is MINE. I earned it from MY hard work, not my grandpa’s. And so what if I live in a studio apartment? He doesn’t have to know that. What do I need a lot of space for anyway?
It’s just me and The Dude, after all.
He didn’t even have the grace to look embarrassed, though. He was just all, “Regardless. You don’t have the right to call her a skank.”
So then I looked him dead in the eye—well, as close as I could, anyway, from my twelve-inch height disadvantage—and said, “Well, you don’t have the right to say Mark and Holly shouldn’t get married.”
“Actually,” he said. “I do.”
AND THEN HE STALKED AWAY!!! Before I could get another word in! Before I could stalk away!
Which actually is probably a good thing because when I tried to stalk away in the other direction, my Steve Madden heel slipped in the gravel and I nearly fell down and I would have fallen if I hadn’t grabbed hold of the fender of a Smart Car parked nearby.
He didn’t see, though.
Anyway, this pretty much settles it:
Cal Langdon = Spawn of Satan.
But at least now I know where we stand. And I will be able to begin taking evasive action. Obviously, from this moment on, I can never
a) Leave Cal and Mark alone in a room together
b) Leave Cal and Holly alone in a room together
c) Leave Cal alone anywhere
I will have to watch him like a hawk. It would be SO like him to drop unsubtle little hints about phenylethylamine and the dissolution of his marriage here and there in order to shake Mark’s conviction to go through with his.
And Holly, as I know only too well, is already wondering if she’s doing the right thing. I CANNOT let that man destroy the one actual solid romantic relationship left in the universe… well, except for my mom and dad’s, but ew, don’t want to think about that right now.
The only thing is, he obviously thinks he knows what’s best… not just for Mark, but for everybody. I mean, that bossy way he chose where we were going to have lunch, and then, once we were there, what we were going to have.
And yeah, it was delicious.
But still.
I have to find a way to let him know he is NOT in charge here—WITHOUT letting Holly suspect anything’s wrong. Because Holly’s worried enough about everything. If she finds out the best man doesn’t even think this wedding is a good idea, it’s all over.
I’ve got to prove to this guy that I am not at ALL impressed with the size of his member. His having a huge you know what does absolutely NOTHING to intimidate ME.
And you know, I don’t think his thing can really be all that big because it’s not like he walks all bowlegged or whatever. Curt Shipley’s was HUGE and you could see the sun shine between his inner thighs when he was coming toward you….
Oooooh, I have an idea. If his email is the same as everyone else’s who works at the Journal ….
___________________________________________
e-mails
To: Cal Langdon <cal.langdon@thenyjournal.com>
Fr: Jane Harris <jane@wondercat.com>
Re: Holly and Mark
It’s me. What you said back there in the parking lot—about how you’re going to do whatever it takes to make sure Mark doesn’t make the biggest mistake of his life—that’s pretty presumptuous of you, don’t you think?
J
___________________________________________
To: Jane Harris <jane@wondercat.com>
Fr: Cal Langdon <cal.langdon@thenyjournal.com>
Re: Holly and Mark
Ms. Harris. What a surprise. You’re emailing me.
From the backseat.
___________________________________________
To: Cal Langdon <cal.langdon@thenyjournal.com>
Fr: Jane Harris <jane@wondercat.com>
Re: Holly and Mark
Oh, please. Like you and Mark weren’t doing the same in the cab yesterday.
I realize you and Mark are friends—good friends, since childhood, just like Holly and I are.
But you haven’t seen him in a long time. How do you even know what’s good for him anymore? And you certainly don’t know Holly well enough to make any kind of judgment about her. How can you presume that you know what’s best for either of them when the truth is, you hardly know them at all?
J
___________________________________________
To: Jane Harris <jane@wondercat.com>
Fr: Cal Langdon <cal.langdon@thenyjournal.com>
Re: Holly and Mark
You are certainly entitled to your opinion. Just as I am entitled to mine.
Cal
___________________________________________
To: Cal Langdon <cal.langdon@thenyjournal.com>
Fr: Jane Harris <jane@wondercat.com>
Re: Holly and Mark
You’re not entitled to your opinion at ALL. Because it’s WRONG. You have absolutely no factual basis for it. You can’t know Mark is making “the biggest mistake of his life” by marrying Holly because you hardly know Holly. You’re basing your opinion on your own personal biases against love and marriage. And that has nothing to do with Mark OR Holly. That was just your own stupidity.
J
___________________________________________
To: Jane Harris <jane@wondercat.com>
Fr: Cal Langdon <cal.langdon@thenyjournal.com>
Re: Holly and Mark
Now who’s stating an opinion for which she has no factual basis?
Cal
___________________________________________
To: Cal Langdon <cal.langdon@thenyjournal.com>
Fr: Jane Harris <jane@wondercat.com>
Re: Holly and Mark
Um, hello, any MORON can tell you that marrying a model you’ve known for a month is stupid. I’m sorry, but it’s true.
J
___________________________________________
To: Jane Harris <jane@wondercat.com>
Fr: Cal Langdon <cal.langdon@thenyjournal.com>
Re: Holly and Mark
Has anyone ever told you, Ms. Harris, that your tactlessness is astounding?
Cal
___________________________________________
To: Cal Langdon <cal.langdon@thenyjournal.com>
Fr: Jane Harris <jane@wondercat.com>
Re: Holly and Mark
ME??? I’m not the tactless one, Mr. There’s No Such Thing as Romantic Love. Holly and Mark are in their thirties, not their twenties, and they’ve lived together for over two years. They are NOT making the same mistake you did. They are consenting adults—neither working in the modeling industry—who are in love. End of story.
J
___________________________________________
To: Jane Harris <jane@wondercat.com>
Fr: Cal Langdon <cal.langdon@thenyjournal.com>
Re: Holly and Mark
Perhaps we should discuss this face-to-face. My persuasive powers are at a disadvantage on handheld portable devices.
Cal
___________________________________________
To: Cal Langdon <cal.langdon@thenyjournal.com>
Fr: Jane Harris <jane@wondercat.com>
Re: Holly and Mark
No way! I don’t want Holly getting wind of the fact that you aren’t one hundred percent behind this wedding thing. She’s freaking out enough about her family not being behind the idea. If she finds out the best man’s against it too, she’ll die.