Chelsea Martin
Everything Was Fine Until Whatever
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Dear Readers,
I want you to think I’m a part of you somehow, or that we share something no one else could possibly understand. I want this to make you a little nervous. I want you to think I’m doing something no one else can do. I want you to think that no one else could do what I do correctly. I want you to spend your money on me. Not all your money, and not necessarily a large amount, but some sort of spending so I know I’m worth something. Hopefully at least three dollars cos if you think about it, what can you get for less than three dollars? I want you to think about me when I’m not around. I want you to think of me, in a non-sexual way, when you’re in bed at night. I want you to cry and then realize the absurdity in this emotional release. I want you to laugh through tears and then realize the heartbreaking honesty audible in your laughter. I want your heart to break from seeing so much of yourself in me, and to break again when you realize I know more about you than you do. I want your heart to be so broken that all you can do is pathetically alter yourself in response to my more accurate vision of you and, with unobstructed spirit and determination, love me. I want this love for me to be your only talent, and I want you to eventually realize that it isn’t even adequate, and that I really deserve better.
Love,
Chelsea
Baby’s First Words
June 16– My parents gave me a ‘Baby’s First Words’ journal. When I unwrapped it from its packaging, Baby took one look and said, “Obviously imported from China.”
June 17 — Baby called me by my first name today. “Ned,” she said, “It’s story time.”
June 18 — I forgot to take a towel in to the bathroom with me when I showered, and had to run across the front room naked to fetch one. Baby: “What the?” I dutifully sat down and gave her the sex-talk. Glad that’s out of the way. I didn’t mention to her that her future spouse may ignore her sexual advances for months on end. I thought we could talk about that later, when maybe I would have some advice to give her. Or I could make Karen talk to her about that and listen in on the conversation for insight.
June 19 — Today Karen and I discussed what I would do about my being laid off. I explained we might have to live with less for a while, until the jeans market became popular again. Baby said, “Jeans are so 1970.” Karen expected me to be able to adapt my sales talent to other products. I told her she should check back into the real world. Baby chimed in by saying, “Yeah, lady, I heard you cried to Titanic.”
June 20 — She didn’t say anything today, but when I put Baby in her crib for a nap, she crossed her arms and wouldn’t take a bottle. So I picked her back up, dressed her, and took her to the park to impress the women there, which is her favorite thing to do. But I was thinking perhaps Karen and I need to start curbing these early signs of manipulation.
June 21 — I took Baby to the city park today. Baby seemed to get a kick out of yelling out, “Hey, Legs” to the attractive women.
June 22 — My friend and ex-coworker Steve came over today to deliver my last paycheck and I invited him to eat dinner with us. I explained that I was actually happy to be out of the jeans business before jeans became embarrassingly unpopular. Steve said, “You shouldn’t judge the cat’s pajamas if you can’t sell them.” What the hell does that mean? Steve is an asshole.
June 24 — I bought Baby plastic ‘Mom and Dad’ dolls that resemble Karen and I. When I gave them to her, Baby immediately started hitting the two dolls together passionately, saying, “Love is real.” Karen doesn’t like the dolls. She said I shouldn’t have bought them. I think she hates seeing representations of our bodies connecting so dynamically.
June 25 — Baby didn’t talk today, but, when prompted, she gestured to me that she preferred the taste and texture of Swiss when compared to bleu cheese.
June 26 — We went to Steve’s house today to swim. Karen was venting very flirtatiously to Steve about the ‘overwhelming heartbreak’ she was supposedly feeling. Steve said, “If you love the ball that’s in your court, set it free.” Karen said, “I feel unstable. I wish Ned was more attentive to our needs.” Noticing the irony of Karen’s statement, and acknowledging that I’m the only one who is ever sexually attentive in any way, Baby laughed and said, “Ain’t that some shit.”
June 27– Today, Baby and I went to the park, but sadly there were no women there for us to impress. I suggested we go home and try to impress Karen. Baby said, in a tone that reminded me of cable television, “Riiiiiiiight.”
June 28 — Today Karen brought up the fact that I didn’t believe she was pregnant with Baby until her second trimester. I reminded her that she was not innocent of faking things. This riled her up and she cried, a throwback to our teenage years together. I felt the same undeserving longing for her that I felt when I first met her. Baby woke up from her nap and said, “Something feels different. Did you guys pump the breast milk without me?” I thought it was an interesting thing for her to say because we have never pumped the breast milk. Karen was upset that I questioned Baby. She has the idea that Baby doesn’t need to hear that she’s ever wrong, and that we should humor her even when she’s spreading totally completely inaccurate information.
June 29 — I gave Baby coffee this morning because she said, “I’m sick of breastfeeding.” But she didn’t seem to like the coffee either. She sucked it up her straw only to blow it back through onto the cat and Karen’s purse, which I noticed is new. When did she get a new purse?
June 30 — Baby tried to grab the chocolate cake I was eating for breakfast, and when I told her she couldn’t have any, she said, “Oopsies,” and then took off her diaper and pooped on the kitchen floor. I left it for Karen, so she would see what I mean about Baby’s seriously inventive manipulation tendencies.
July 1– Baby wanted her diaper changed today. As I changed it, she looked up at me and said, “Story of my life.” At first I thought she was referring to the unpleasant consistency of crapping day in and day out, but she explained that even though each crap seems like a huge loss of material and sustenance, the important elements of a meal remain within, that there are remnants of material that never leave us, like a sourdough that keeps being added to, and contribute to the growth and well-being of our bodies, which in effect help form the ‘stories of our lives.’
July 2 — Baby wanted her diaper changed again today, but instead of crying and pointing to her diaper melodramatically like she usually does, she sighed and said, “No pain, no gain,” and didn’t bring it up again until I finished taking my nap.
July 3 — Steve came over today. I can tell Baby doesn’t like him. She’ll laugh and play when Steve is around, but as soon as he leaves the room, Baby goes, “Tight wad, breath like asshole, let’s eat out.” At one point, Steve came to me and said, “Ned, what’s your secret? You act ten years younger than anyone your age,” which really set Baby off. “Loosen up,” she said, and rolled off the cushion she was propped up against. I gave Steve some coffee with laxatives in it, but I don’t know what happened. I haven’t heard anything about it.
July 4 — After updating my internet profile, I stepped into the kitchen to hear Baby say, “Onion.” This excited Karen for some reason. She laughed and screamed and encouraged Baby to say it again. “Her first word, her first word,” Karen yelled at me, “She said ‘Mama!’” I told her that Baby had actually said “onion.” This upset Karen, who obviously needed confirmation of Baby’s affection towards her. But Baby stuck up for me by laughing and saying, “Onions are really weird.”