Everything Was Fine Until Whatever

I just checked out the mailman. We just made eye contact. Oh shit, I think he’s coming over here to deliver a package.

My friend Ked buys me any food we eat when we’re together. When I’m annoyed with him I insist on paying for my own food.

Sometimes on the bus I make men fall in love with me by looking out the window and thinking very unnecessary, negative things about them.

I just accidentally licked my lips while maintaining eye contact with a gentleman on a skateboard. There’s a name for when that happens.

~ ~ ~

Acronyms To Expedite Conversation

BYOBF

Bring your own best friend

TIJLTEODC

This is just like that episode of Dawson’s Creek

TIJLTEOF

This is just like that episode of Frasier

TIJLTMABL

This is just like that movie A Bug’s Life

TIJLTMA

This is just like that movie ANTZ

DYW2DB2NOIDK

Do you want to drink beer tonight, or I don’t know

FL

Fried labia

TRG

That’s really great

NAJKJK

Nice ass, just kidding just kidding

LOLNL

Laughing out last night’s lasagna

PT

Posh tosh

WWF

Whatever whatever forever

MMJCANIFC

My mom just called and now I feel crazy

MMJCAMMRSATE

My mom just called and made me really scared about the economy

ISATE

I’m scared about the economy

YKWIM

You know what I mean

ITAL

I’m talking about love

TIJLTSFHM

This is just like that scene from Home Alone

TIJLIHAWKGIMMFD

This is just like in Home Alone when Kevin goes “I made my family disappear.”

IFLWHA

I feel like watching Home Alone

CSM

Communal sex mattress

RUSI

Are you sad inside

PAB

Poop ass butt

HHAYIG

Hi how are you I’m great

AW

Anyways whatever

Pfeiffer

I’m telling myself not to finish my novel until I get some real living done. But the novel finishes itself nightly. And I bawl to every single movie now.

My novel keeps ending in a way that I don’t want, and I have to erase it. It always ends like the movies end. Everything comes together succinctly. In the end of my novel, Pfeiffer comes in out of nowhere and starts proclaiming things, starts making everyone feel very emotional. It’s hard not to feel emotional around Pfeiffer; she’s a very serious actress. But my novel is about two people sitting on a dock eating a sandwich together and throwing bits of sandwich into the water. It’s clear that she doesn’t belong, so I take her out.

My characters never get to say what they want to say. Pfeiffer is trying really hard to be a part of my novel. I erase her over and over. Character One says, “Are we trying to get the ducks to eat this?” Pfeiffer appears and disappears. Where is she when she is not in my novel? Character Two says, “The ducks are insignificant. The ducks are just pretense.” My characters both feel strong emotion. Character One thinks, “Sometimes a duck eats the piece of bread, sometimes the piece of bread just sinks.” Character Two thinks, “The other character is the most normal person I have ever met.” Pfeiffer comes in and says something extremely quotable. My characters notice that she has excellent posture. My characters roll their eyes. I edit. They don’t roll their eyes. I write lines about the shape of Pfeiffer’s upper lip and read them out loud. Details are significant. I get teary-eyed over my own writing. My characters try to figure out if the ducks are symbolic or if the sandwich is. I erase stuff. I don’t know. I cry a little more. I have the capacity to carry children and sometimes this causes me to act like a psychopath.

When I turn on the TV, Pfeiffer appears smiling naturally, hair bouncing. I turn the TV off and my novel loses all meaning. It would be so easy to turn the TV back on, let her tell me what I’m feeling. Because what am I feeling? But I’m scared of Pfeiffer. She can convey any emotion requested of her. My novel is in the other room and as I turn the TV off and on, the word count adjusts accordingly.

~ ~ ~

Everyone who lives in Oakland needs a shower.

Everyone who lives in San Francisco is obsessed with Frida Kahlo.

Everyone who lives in Portland is good-looking.

Everyone who lives in LA already has enough friends, thanks anyways.

Everyone who lives in Seattle walks really, really fast.

Everyone who lives in Denver lives at the airport.

Everyone who lives in Sioux Falls can tell what a chicken has eaten based on the taste and texture of its egg.

Everyone who lives in Paris has never met me.

Everyone who lives in Brooklyn is always trying to sneak the word Brooklyn into conversation.

Everyone who lives in Spokane has loyalty issues.

Everyone who lives in Austin gets aggressive when they feel vulnerable.

Everyone who lives in Copenhagen is a D-list celebrity.

Everyone who lives in New York City knows all too well to show up early to dentist appointments.

Everyone who lives in Reno chews tobacco.

Everyone who lives in Sydney clicks the who has a crush on you button on Myspace when they think no one is tracking their Internet usage.

Everyone who lives in Atlanta blasts terrible music from their crappy cars at 3am.

Everyone who lives in New Orleans costs the US government $3.00 per day somehow.

Everyone who lives in Honolulu regrets their first tattoo.

Everyone who lives in Nashville is supposed to be sending child support to my mom.

Everyone who lives in Minneapolis has an irrational fear of running into Prince at a party.

Everyone who lives in Orlando can do really good cursive uppercase ‘G’s.

To Do List

I’m making a restaurant that sells only hard-boiled eggs and I need you to create the menu.

I want the menu to go over, in detail, the cost of each element needed to prepare and serve a hard boiled egg, and maintain business (water, pan, electricity, chef, etc). The price of the egg will be completely rationalized and 100 % accurate.

Then, each element in that list will be researched in the same way, each item completely rationalized in price (what the pan manufacturer needs to produce pan — metal, electricity, etc., what water company needs to maintain business — employees, energy, etc., what chef’s financial needs are — food, rent, sending kids to college, etc).

Each element from the third list will be gone over in the same way. Do you see where this is going? Menu will be infinite.