Erin and Becca go to Kindergarten. Aunt Ann encourages the rest of us to pretend we’re sleeping right before they come home from school. They’re disappointed when they find us sleeping because they want to play with us. I overuse the trick and it becomes useless.
Another close cousin, Adri, is born. The rest of us cousins take turns holding her while she cries. We hate waiting for our own turn, but holding her turns out to be not that exciting. We ignore her for a couple of years.
1991
Becca informs me and Joe about sex. She tells us to try it. We crawl under a bed and Joe lays on top of me. Becca doesn’t know what’s supposed to happen next. Joe has to go to the bathroom, so Becca lets him leave. We play ninja turtles when he gets back.
While walking our bikes up a hill to take into the carport, a car starts rolling down towards us. My trike stops it’s tire, preventing it from running us over, but gets smashed in the process.
I refuse to take any more baths with Jaime because she always pees.
Nana Kopp dies, and I attend the funeral. None of my cousins go. I walk with my Nana, her daughter, up to her open casket. I am unaffected. A few weeks later, during a random case of watery eyes, my mom asks me what’s wrong, and I lie and say I miss Nana Kopp. My mom cries.
During another random case of watery eyes, my mom asks me what’s wrong, and I lie and say I miss Dylan, her boyfriend who moved away. She says she does too. Dylan soon moves back.
Becca and Erin teach me how to flare my nostrils.
We make a fort in the back yard. We design a boys’ bathroom and a girls’ bathroom. Our Nana finds out about that and tells us to stop being lazy and come inside when we have to pee. Someone poops in the girls’ bathroom.
We decide that Becca and I are best friends, and Erin and Joe are best friends. We tell Jaime that she can be best friends with Adri.
1992
I discover, while watching Erin eat dinner, that when his mouth opens and closes, something near the ear moves, too. When I tell him, he says he already knows.
Erin tells me he found bugs in his Cheerios one time. I refuse to eat Cheerios for the next seven years.
Joe is terrified of a giant dinosaur blow-up toy that someone gave him for his birthday. The rest of us love it. We play with it, wrestle with it, climb on top of it, until it pops. Joe is terrified of its deflated carcass.
Jaime and I make up a cool laugh, and we both use it instead of our real laughs. One day, I say it sounds stupid and I stop doing it. She keeps using it. I’m upset that she didn’t copy me and jealous that she still gets to use the laugh. I roll my eyes whenever she uses it. She never stops.
Our uncle teaches us how to pray. We think it’s funny. We go to his bedroom and ask him to pray with us. When he isn’t home, we read his sexist and racist joke books.
1993
Becca and I try to tell Adri about sex but she keeps saying ‘six.’
Adri hates the skin of apples, so she lets me bite the skin off of her apples before she eats them. When she isn’t looking, I take deep bites, but she usually notices. I think it’s unfair that I don’t get to eat the sweet part, but I don’t ask for my own apples.
Becca and Joe move to Oregon.
I move to Washington. My mom says I can see Becca and Joe a lot again, but it doesn’t really happen.
Becca and Joe’s parents come to visit without Becca and Joe. I’m really irritated by this. I ask my aunt to play a game and she says she will. When she’s in the bathroom I ask my uncle if she is really going to play and he tells me not to hold my breath. I’d never heard this expression.
1994
I move back to Clearlake.
Adri, Jaime and I have sleep-overs. Erin doesn’t come because Joe isn’t there to play with.
I remember the pretend-you’re-sleeping joke and try it on Adri. I roll over in my fake sleep and she says she knows I’m not sleeping because I just moved. I fake wake up and drowsily ask what’s going on. She says she knows I wasn’t sleeping. I tell her, while rubbing my eyes, that people move around in their sleep all the time.
1995
I move to a neighboring town. Adri lives with my Nana and Papa, so I see her quite often when I visit them. I see Jaime occasionally, and Erin almost never.
I talk to Becca on the phone as often as I’m allowed.
My brother River is born on my birthday. Luckily we had my party the day before.
I develop an irrational fear for leaving the house without my mother. I have to be bribed to go to the fair with Adri and my aunt.
1996
Whenever Becca and Joe come down to visit, it takes me a while to remember how to talk to Becca. As soon as something funny happens, we laugh together and I remember how easy it is to talk to her and how much fun she is.
I see Erin for the first time in over a year. We’re both at our Nana and Papa’s house, and there are no other cousins. I want to talk to him, but I forget what we used to talk about. We entertain ourselves separately. Nana asks us to paint part of the porch railing. We talk and laugh together while we paint, and I remember how much I like him.
1997
Everyone goes to Nana and Papa’s for Thanksgiving. Erin asks me and Becca if we want to smoke pot with him. We laugh and ignore him for the rest of the day. Our uncle is constantly mooning someone.
1998
Becca moves in with me. We share a room. I am jealous of the attention my mom gives her. I accuse her of using my razor blades to shave her legs. She moves back to Oregon.
1999
Becca moves in with our Nana and Papa. She goes to middle school with Jaime and Erin. She tells me Jaime likes to embarrass her in front of other kids.
2000
I move close to Erin and Jaime. I am the new girl at their small high school. Everyone calls me ‘Erin’s cousin.’ I don’t talk to him. I get the feeling he avoids me during breaks. His girlfriend is in my English class and I think she’s cool. Someone tells me that before he dumped her, he got in one last fuck.
I move to a new town and change schools.
2001
Becca loses her virginity and tells her mom. Soon the whole family knows. I am too embarrassed to ask her about it.
2002
I move in with my Nana and Papa.
Becca moves in with my Nana and Papa and we share a room and go to high school together. It’s exciting at first, but I begin to think she gets in the way of my social life. I avoid her during breaks.
Becca gets her ged and moves back to Oregon.
2004
I graduate high school and move to Oakland.
Becca and I both begin college. We halfheartedly try to convince each other to transfer to schools near our own. We talk on the phone less consistently.
2005
I see Jaime at a baby shower. I say ‘Hi,’ but nothing else. She doesn’t introduce me to her boyfriend.
Joe stays with Nana and Papa for a while. I see him sometimes, and we get along really well. I ask him about his relationship history. I tell him I’ve always thought he was gay.
2006
Joe visits me in Oakland. He makes racist jokes and tells me he wants to fight the black guys who hang out around my apartment building.
I see Erin at Christmas and try to talk to him. He can’t hold a conversation, stares blankly, eats with his fingers, and laughs to himself the whole time. I pretend I don’t know he just got out of the mental hospital and ask him what he’s been up to. He says ‘not much.’ He gives me a really good hug right before I leave.
Becca calls me crying one day. She says she’s sorry for not calling me or answering my calls. She says she has a boyfriend and he is chronically depressed and has dropped out of school. She asks if I can come visit her. I can’t.