"Thank you," he said quietly, confirming her assessment.
She acknowledged him with a nod. "That takes care of the red tape. I'm more concerned about addressing the conflict between the two of us. If this had been the first time…" But it wasn't, and they couldn't very well pretend that he hadn't defied her during the nanovirus outbreak.
As if remembering, John flinched. "As cliched as it sounds, this really wasn't personal. I do trust you, and I understood your position. I just couldn't live with it."
"And you can live with your subordinates seeing whatever chain of command we've cobbled together break down? What happens if one of the Marines someday decides that he can't live with an order of yours?"
"Never happen. They're better officers than I am."
"That's not funny, John "
"Funny is the last thing I'd call it, Elizabeth." His eyes seemed to absorb the dim light, reflecting none back. "Do you think I want to be like this? I wouldn't have stayed in the military if I thought all rank and authority was crap. I believe in my oath and in our mission. I swear I do. But occasionally there are times when I can't ignore my conscience and still be the person I want to be. And it leads to days like this. I hate that, but there it is."
And the hell of it was that if he had obeyed, he wouldn't have been the person she wanted him to be, either. "So where does that leave us?" she finally asked.
"Same as before, I guess. I'll keep doing my job as long as you're willing to put up with me."
"I think I can handle that. But understand, John, that this cannot keep happening."
He sighed. "I know. And I'm sorry. I don't regret doing it, but I am sorry for doing this to you."
"I appreciate that." Elizabeth took a step toward the door.
"Listen, Elizabeth-"
Her motion halted, she looked at him expectantly.
"What you almost had to do, at the Alpha site…" John raised his gaze to meet hers. "I just want you to know that I respect the hell out of you for it."
Surprised, Elizabeth tried to demur. "It wasn't as if we had very many choices."
"That doesn't change the fact that you were prepared to stay behind in order to see everyone else safely through to Earth. That kind of thing isn't what you signed up for."
"Nothing about this expedition is exactly what any of us signed up for. We all do what we have to in order to protect Atlantis and each other. I'm no different from anyone else."
He watched her carefully for a moment. "Yeah," he said finally. "I think that's what I respect most "
It was as personal a statement as she'd ever heard him make, and it warmed her. "Thank you," she said quietly. "Does Rodney know what you risked to go after him?"
"Not unless Beckett told him about me leapfrogging him on the list of most annoying infirmary patients."
"He should know."
"He's got enough to deal with right now." The pilot gave a small shrug, the motion deceptively casual. "Like you said. We do what we have to."
And when it came down to it that was all she could ask of him, of anyone. Of herself, even. "I'm glad you're all right."
She meant it sincerely, and the way his eyes softened ever so slightly told her that he believed her. "Thanks."
Repairs to the city kept Rodney sufficiently distracted from thoughts of his experience on Polrusso for some time. Or so he'd thought. When a technician mistakenly rerouted power away from the main lab for the third time, sending the science staff into darkness and data loss yet again, he only shook his head and switched over to his battery-boosted laptop.
The lights were soon restored, and the grumbling from the rest of the group faded away after only a few seconds. Belatedly, Rodney glanced up to find all eyes on him. "What?" he asked. "We don't exactly have fuse boxes here, people."
Radek sighed. "That is it. Everyone out." When a few people hesitated, he snapped his fingers. "Ted'.' Now! All of you have projects elsewhere. Go!"
Obligingly, the scientists cleared out. Rodney was too busy trying to figure out when they'd started listening to Radek to get up from his stool. Apparently that had been part of the mad Czech's master plan.
Plunking himself down on the stool opposite, Radek pushed his glasses up over the bridge of his nose and considered him with an earnest gaze. "Rodney, this cannot go on. Your treatment of the staff is beginning to cause concern."
"Excuse me? I've been perfectly civil."
"That is my point," Radek replied evenly. "Two weeks ago you would have torn someone's head off after the second power interruption. Now you accept a third without comment? It is unusual, and usual is what people want most at times such as these."
A burst of irritation flared in Rodney's chest. "Well, gosh, I'm sorry to bother anyone else with my trauma. I'll do my best to snap back to my normal unbearable self for the good of the expedition."
"Rodney, you are still missing my point. You are not bothering anyone. You are not talking, and I think perhaps that is the problem."
That was unexpected. "Are you offering to be my Dear Abby, Radek? Listen to my tale of woe? Sorry to disillusion you, but there's not much to tell. Boy meets girl, boy somehow fails to lose girl despite acting like a paranoid jackass, girl saves entire planet and takes off for a higher plane of existence. Pretty common tale."
Radek, damn him, wasn't taking the hint. "You are happy that she was able to Ascend, are you not?"
Good question. Painfully perceptive. It was an incredibly complex proposition to mourn someone who wasn't technically dead. Certainly Turpi must be content with her new status, so when it came down to it, was he depressed on her behalf or only his own? "Of course I am. How self-absorbed do I look? Do not answer that," Rodney snapped preemptively, annoyed at himself for all but inviting the predictable retort. More evidence that he was off his stride. "It's not like I was expecting some kind of storybook ending out of the whole thing, so let's not make it out to be more than it was." He'd learned long ago that `happily ever after' was every bit the myth it seemed. What had he expected, then?
"She cared very much for you," said Radek. "This was obvious."
And that was the heart of the issue, wasn't it? She'd seen into him, seen everything that made him who he was, and she'd still cared. Try as he might, he couldn't fit that into his established view of the universe.
His colleague angled his head and posed a question. "Why did you come to Atlantis?"
Thrown, Rodney just looked at Radek for a moment. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"Humor me, for once in your life. Why did you join the expedition?"
"For the same reasons as anyone else. Because they needed brains. Because I'd have been a fool to pass up the chance. Because I'm not worth anything if I'm not learning, and the magnitude of what we could learn from this place is essentially limitless. And oh, let's not forget the fact that there are a hell of a lot of threats out there, some of which we're in a unique position to do something about. Is that enough?"
In the ensuing pause, he realized that most of that little diatribe did sound fairly redeeming. Thankfully, Radek didn't do anything awkward or patronizing like pat him on the shoulder. He simply stood up and gathered the equipment he'd been using. "Brood longer if you like. But finish up by meal time. It is `Hurray, We Cheated Death Again' Night in the mess"
That generally meant one thing. "Ice cream?"
"I am told there may be hot fudge"
Precisely where had they been hoarding that? "In that case, go throw yourself in front of the teeming masses to ensure that they don't finish it all before I get there. It's the least you can do after I handed you the solution to the shield power problem."