"So Eel didn't go with you?"
"No." Ullis looked at me, puzzled. "Why would you think that?"
"Oar said you took her. Oar believed the three of you went away together."
I pictured Eel and Jelca alone on the bluffs that day three years ago. Jelca spurning her. Eel no more than a brokenhearted little girl… and never seen again.
Oh Shit.
Part XVI
Mania
My Attempts to Help (Part 1)
The next day, I tried to help with the spaceship. There was little for me to do; the ship was almost finished, and the few tasks outstanding were one-person jobs that required "technical sophistication" …which is to say, someone who knew what she was doing.
No matter where I went in search of something to do, people ribbed me for being a zoology specialist. Everyone brought it up. After a while, it took an effort to smile at the jibes. I told myself I was just new — oldtimers often tease new arrivals as a gruff form of welcome. It didn't help that I'd shown up after the hard work was done. "Oho, here's the animal lover, just in time to play inspector." They said it jokingly; I tried to hear it that way too.
I told myself there was no genuine resentment under the laughter: resentment for a woman who didn't look like an Explorer.
At meals, I felt people staring.
Three times Ullis told me, "You look really good, Festina."
The one time I saw Jelca during the day, he said nothing at all.
Stop imagining things, I told myself. They don't care what I look like… and even if they do, it's their problem, not mine.
Sure.
To pass the time, I outfitted another cabin inside the whale: carrying in a cot, bolting it to the floor, stashing unneeded equipment from my backpack into a locker. It was all for appearance's sake — I couldn't escape with the others. If I caught a ride in the ship, the League would stop my heart in flight, the same way they terminated any non-sentient creature trying to escape into space. They might even take retribution on the other Explorers for helping me. On the other hand, I had to go through the motions, or someone might start asking questions.
Anyway, another furnished cabin wouldn't hurt anything; the whale had plenty of space. Ullis said the life support systems could handle two hundred people indefinitely, and the food synthesizers had even more capacity. No one knew why the early generations of Melaquin had bothered making a ship so huge. Had they wanted to leave the planet en masse… maybe even return to Earth? Or had they simply fancied a jaunt into space; a sightseeing tour around the moon and back?
The other Explorers had no interest in speculation. Even Ullis excused herself after breakfast, saying she had programming to do — simulation tests and so on. No, she didn't need help… it would take too long to get me up to speed on what she was doing.
By midafternoon, I felt glumly extraneous: sorry for myself and irritated at that weakness. Rather than mope where someone might notice, I slipped away from the launch site and headed into the city. Athelrod and others were still going over the lark-plane; maybe they needed help carrying back salvaged components. I began to retrace the route Oar and I had taken in from the elevator… but I had only reached the point where we first saw Jelca when I came across Oar herself.
She sat huddled in the doorway of a glass blockhouse, her arms wrapped tightly around her legs and her face pressed against her knees. The skin of her glass thighs was rainstreaked with half-dry tears.
My Attempts to Help (Part 2)
I sat beside her and put my arm around her shoulders. For a while, neither of us said a word. Then she whispered, "I am very sad, Festina."
"I know."
"It is not fair to be so sad."
"No. It isn't."
"Nothing is the way it should be."
"I'm sorry."
She didn't speak again, but leaned in toward me. I let her rest her cheek against my chest. I could see straight through the back of her head to the tear-stains dribbled down her face.
"Eel is not here," she said at last.
"So I heard."
"And Jelca does not care. He does not care about Eel or me or anything."
I leaned over until my lips touched the hard glass hair on the top of her head. "Jelca is quite the shit, isn't he?"
"He is extremely much the shit," she agreed. "Shitty fucking Jelca."
"To hell with him," I said.
"A very deep hell. With flames and everything."
"That's the spirit."
I gave her shoulders a squeeze. She reached down and patted my knee. After a moment she said more softly, "I would like to punch him in the nose."
"Yes?"
"I would like to make him feel very bad."
"I know," I told her. "But civilized folks like us don't hit people."
"What do we do?"
We brood, internalize, and make ourselves miserable, I thought. Aloud I said, "We give ourselves permission to indulge. Like eating something rich, or buying something we can't afford, or making excuses to get out of work!…"
She looked at me without comprehension.
"Okay," I admitted, "maybe those things aren't right for you. Is there someplace you want to go, something you want to do?"
"We could go visit ancestors," she said with sudden interest. "They live next door."
"Really."
"Yes. It is very fitting that Jelca lives beside the ancestors of this place. They both have bad brains."
"And you want to visit…" I didn't finish my sentence. It would be rude to describe the ancestors as senile near-corpses.
"It is pleasant inside the ancestors' home," Oar said. "It is warm and good."
"Ahhhh," I nodded, understanding. "You realize I can't go in with you?" I asked.
Her face fell. "Then maybe…"
"No," I stopped her, "you go. If it feels good, you deserve it. I'll wait outside."
"You will not go away?"
"I promise."
We got to our feet and walked arm-in-arm to the next building: an enormous tower, even taller than the sixty-story building where Ullis lived. Unlike other buildings in the city, this one had glass walls I couldn't see through; they had been opaqued to prevent the radiation inside from leaking out.
"I will not be long," Oar promised.
"Take your time," I called as she disappeared within. Oar looked eager for time in the tower; I didn't want her cutting the experience short because of me. It must be like a sauna, I thought — hot and steamy, the chance to lie around languidly…
Oar barreled out the door, mere seconds after she'd entered. "There is a problem, Festina. The ancestors are very upset."
"At you?"
"No. At you. Come inside."
Talking with the Ancestors
It took some time for Oar to understand that going inside would damage me. I doubt if she really believed it; but she grudgingly agreed to act as intermediary, carrying messages between me and the ancestors to learn what was wrong.
Me: Why are the ancestors upset?
[A pause while Oar ducked into the building, asked the question, and got the answer.]
Oar: Because a fucking Explorer is bothering them.
Me: Bothering them how? [Pause.]
Oar: Walking over them. Pushing them around. Stacking them against the walls.
Me: Deliberately trying to hurt them? [Pause.]
Oar: I do not think so, although some of the ancestors pretend they were grievously assaulted. Ancestors are stupid. I think the Explorer was merely clearing them out of the way. There is now a wide path down the middle of the room where the ancestors have been moved aside.