"I can see you're pleased," he said. "And I promise, it's everything you hope for. Self-adhesive… porous to let sweat out and air in… even designed to adapt to your skin color like a chameleon."
"My…" I swallowed hard. "Yes, Phylar, that's just what I want. A scrap of synthetic I can put on my cheek and watch turn purple. The height of entertainment."
"Ramos, the League designed this stuff to hide crap like that shit on your face. Hiding is what Melaquin's all about. Let me tell you, I had one fuck of a lousy scar as a memento from an old exploration mission. Now it looks as smooth as a baby's bottom." His voice was loud with booze, and he must have realized it. In a softer voice he said, "Listen, Festina — maybe it'll work, maybe it won't. Who knows how the skin will respond to your… condition. But when I use it to cover a bruise, it doesn't turn the color of the bruise. And I'll tell you a secret: I put some of this fake skin on my nose. It hides the…"
He waved his hands vaguely — too squeamish, I suppose, to say that his nose had once been the ravaged red of a drunkard, florid with prominent blood vessels. Now that I looked, Tobit's nose was a healthier color than at the Academy: smooth, not pitted or flushed. It was still unnaturally bulbous, but the skin itself looked… good.
"See?" he said, proudly turning his head to show off his physiognomy. "Maybe the skin can help you too."
He pushed the pathetic brown tissue toward me. I didn't take it.
"What's wrong?" he demanded. "You aren't the sort of woman who uses her face as an excuse, are you? The kind who blames every little problem on an accident of birth, and won't try to fix things for fear it might work. You can't be worried that without the birthmark, you won't have reason to bitch and moan—"
"One more word," I told him, "and the skin I take off you won't be that piece in your hand."
The Morlocks roused themselves stewishly and made a show of brandishing their spears. Their attempt to look threatening was pathetic. I felt like showing what a tiger-claw strike could do to someone's face, fake skin or no. But Oar put her hand lightly on my arm, and said, "Do not be foolish, Festina. This man says you can be less ugly. It would be better if you were less ugly. People would not feel so sad when they look at you."
"Do you feel sad when you look at me, Oar?"
"I am not such a person as cares how others look," she answered. "But there may be people who see you and feel like crying, because it is wrong for the only nice Explorer to look so damaged."
Ouch.
Ouch.
"All right," I said, holding out my hand to Tobit. "Give me the skin."
Shading
It felt like a scrap of silk stocking — a mesh so fine and smooth, I wanted to stroke it with my fingers. The color was close to my own skin already: a shade darker, that was all. Even if it stayed the same color when I put it on, I could have a whole face; I'd just have to darken the rest of my skin with a modest amount of makeup.
That assumed the skin didn't turn magenta to duplicate my birthmark.
"How fast does it change color?" I asked, not looking at Tobit.
"About an hour."
"I'll see you in an hour," I said, and left the room.
Punch Gently
Oar trotted at my heels. I didn't really want company, but it was safer this way — if the Morlocks turned belligerent with liquor, she'd be in trouble on her own.
Once we had left the building, I set a fast pace across the plaza toward the outskirts of the town. "Where are we going?" Oar asked.
"To find a mirror." As if I needed one, surrounded by so much glass; if necessary, I could put on the patch using my slight reflection in Oar's own body. But I wanted to put distance between me and Tobit, to leave his leers behind. If this worked, his smugness would be obnoxious; but if I didn't even try, he'd be utterly unbearable.
If I didn't even try…
Listen. My stomach had the same nervous flutters as the night I decided to lose my virginity: balancing on a razor's edge of desire and fear. I wanted to see myself whole. I yearned for that. Yet I was afraid of being disappointed, and even worse, of being changed. My life sometimes felt like a war to hold on to what I was; to remain me. I was terrified of turning into something different — of losing my definition.
It sounds childish. It sounds glib. I only have words to describe the superficial issues. Even to myself, I can't express the depths of my fear. Nor can I express the depths of my longing. You'd think it would be easy to explain why I wanted to cure my disfigurement; that's obvious, yes? Obvious why I'd want to look like Prope and Harque and everyone else whose glances of fascinated revulsion had humiliated me all my life. Why should I feel ashamed of wanting to look like them?
And Jelca… pathetic to think of him at a time like this, but how would he react? Would he be delighted to find a real, unblemished woman on Melaquin? Or would he regard me the way Explorers always regarded the unflawed: as shallow and vain, pretty objects but unworthy of deep attention.
"You look sad," Oar said. "Why are you sad, Festina?"
"Because I'm foolish," I replied. "Very foolish. I want to be me, but I also want to be some other woman I'm afraid I won't like."
"That is foolish," Oar agreed. "If you turn into an un-likable woman, I will punch you in the nose; then you will know you have to turn back into my friend."
Laughing, I kissed her on the cheek. "Thanks. But punch gently, okay? My face has enough trouble without a broken nose."
In Front of the Mirror
We found a blockhouse, much like the one where Jelca had made his home in Oar's village — the same layout anyway, but without the clutter of cannibalized electronics. The bathroom had a mirror. After asking Oar to wait outside, I stared at my reflection.
Memorizing a face I'd often wanted to forget.
"This may not work," I said.
"I can always take it off," I said.
"This patch may be too small," I said.
It was big enough. In fact, it needed some trimming. I used the scalpel from the medical kit, but I spent a long time washing the blade first.
My Appearance Revisited
The skin eased down onto my cheek. I patted it into place. For a moment I could feel its light touch, but the sensation slowly vanished — like the residue of water after washing your face, disappearing as it dries into thin air.
When I first laid out the patch, its edges were visible. I spent a minute trying to smooth them down; but as I watched, I could see the outer fringe knit itself into my own skin, bonding, becoming part of me. I brushed the intersection with my finger: it was barely discernible. It was still possible to see where the patch ended and my own cheek began — the patch was darker — but within minutes all trace of a join was gone. Like a parasite affixing itself to a newfound host. Yet I did not feel any revulsion. My cheek had the texture of smooth, perfect skin. When I looked closely, I could see fine hairs peeking out of it. Were they my own hairs, protruding through the mesh? Or did the material have hairs of its own, mimicking real tissue?
I didn't know. I couldn't remember if hairs had grown up through my birthmark. After only three minutes, I was forgetting what my birthmark looked like. I shivered.
With sudden energy, I snapped myself away from the mirror and strode into the next room. "Let's go for a walk," I told Oar.
"May I touch it?" she asked.
"No. Walk."
Hard
We began to stroll the circumference of the habitat dome — keeping to the edge of town let me avoid being surrounded by glass buildings. In an hour, I would look at my face; before then, I didn't want to catch any chance reflection. Therefore, my gaze was turned toward the black dome wall as we walked. There was nothing to see, and that was good.