“I want that, Adrian. I would do anything to take your pain away.”
And I believe her. My hands travel over the landscape of her back. I let them slide down until they’re under her ass, and then I lift her. Easily she comes to me, trusts me, wrapping her legs around my waist. Her shoes dig into my thighs and I welcome it. Feel her jeans as they stretch across her ass and wish it was her naked skin under my hands.
My mouth trails down to her neck and she arches for me, giving me free rein to explore her. “Such a gift,” I tell her as I lick the soft skin there. Taste her, learn her, until she invades all of my senses. She’s what I hear, see, taste, and smell. I want all of it.
As if she’s just as hungry for me, her mouth finds mine. Her arms are so tight around my neck as though she’s afraid I’m going to let her go.
“I won’t let you go,” I say, though we both know eventually I will.
She shows me her eyes and I see the knowledge there. See her pain and excitement and everything I could want her to show me.
I turn and lay her on the bed. Push my stupid fucking bag to the floor because it’s not like I’m going anywhere tonight.
I slide the straps of her bra down. My fingers drift behind her back to the hooks. When it’s gone, I drink my fill with my eyes. Kiss each peak with my mouth. When I pull gently with my teeth, she cries out.
“Adrian… oh God…”
I can’t stop there, so I kiss my way down her torso. Unbutton her jeans, take off her shoes, her pants, before I start at her ankles and work my way back up with my mouth. Each place I kiss her, touch her, I pretend it wipes away one of her ghosts. Cures one of her aches and relieves some of her pain.
Her legs hang over the side of the bed as I kneel on the floor between them. She’s so beautiful. So fucking beautiful that when I look at her, it’s hard to remember there’s any bad in the world. “Tell me what you want. Tell me what you need.”
She doesn’t answer. Only cries out as I push a finger inside her.
“You… just you…”
“I’m here.” I move up her body, lean over her to take her mouth as I kiss her again. Pump my fingers and revel in the little gasps of pleasure she makes. When her body begins to stiffen under me, she says, “Oh God, oh God, oh God,” over and over. I kiss her again, deeper, until her words are lost and she’s coming apart beneath me.
I can’t help but smile. “You are so sexy.”
She doesn’t smile back. She’s still completely open to me like I ask and so serious when she says, “Let me kiss your scars, Adrian. Show them to me.”
There’s never been anyone I’ve wanted to show more. “Yes.”
I take my shirt off, kick out of my pants, and then lay on the bed, as bare as she is. Her eyes skate over my body, exploring me with all that innocence and curiosity in her that makes me smile.
“Don’t be scared,” I tell her, hoping to wipe away her fear.
When she straddles me, her warm, wet heat against me, it’s searing. A wildfire raging inside me. She kisses my stomach.
“I lied to you. When I said I wasn’t close with my sister. She was my best friend. The only person I used to have in my corner.”
I know her mouth can’t really take away these scars, but it feels so good to show them. To bare them in a way I’ve never done.
Her mouth moves up to my chest, kisses the right side.
“My father used to beat the shit out of us. Mom… Angel… and me. We all just fucking took it, but then Angel left and she came back for me.”
Her mouth stops moving, “Adrian—”
“No, baby. Don’t. Not right now.” If she talks, I won’t be able to and she deserves to know the things I can handle telling her.
Her mouth comes down again. This time on the little fist tattooed over my heart, the one that holds my heart in its tiny hand.
“There was only one responsibility I ever had. Only one person I should have taken care of… and I let him die.”
She freezes on top of me like I knew she would. What other response can someone have to something like that?
“Adrian… no. You didn’t. You couldn’t.”
“Shhh.” I run my hand through her hair. See her eyes water and wipe away the tears. “Don’t stop, Little Ghost.”
Indecision shows on her face. It’s not as though a comment like mine wouldn’t cause it. She has every right to stop. Probably should stop, but she doesn’t. Instead she takes my hand, the fingers that just wiped her tears and she kisses each one of them.
“I need you,” I tell her. She’s still straddling me as I sit up and grab my bag, pulling out a condom from inside. Her eyes don’t leave my hand as I open the package, roll it on, before I push in, disappearing inside her.
“Oh God… Adrian.”
I lay back and she goes with me. I thrust forward and her hips roll with mine. We move together, in unison. She’s the fire in my veins, the breath in my lungs, and the glue trying to hold each of my scars together.
I’ve had sex. A lot of sex, but nothing like this. Nothing like it is with her. It’s raw and real and fucking incredible.
“You feel so good.” I know if it were possible to save me, to make me feel whole, she would be the one to do it. I can’t be whole again, but it’s nice to pretend.
My hands won’t stop moving. I want to know all of her. Use her as my paper, like she said. Her back, her shoulders. Every part of her I explore while we move together.
“Adrian… I’m…”
“I know, baby. Let go,” I tell her.
And she does. Quivering above me, she lets go. Lets me catch her and then I’m doing the same.
* * *
“I’m hiding! You can’t find me!” Ashton tells me. He’s sitting on the couch with a pillow in front of his face. Angel’s in the kitchen, about to head out to work.
“Ash? Where are you?” I call.
He giggles. “I hide!”
“Adrian. The mail came. You got the placement test results from the college.”
I roll my eyes. I took my GED on my own, not wanting to be a dropout, but she pushed me on the college thing. It’s not that I don’t want it, but who will take care of them? “We’re playing hide-and-seek. I’ll look later.”
“Hide-and-seek can wait. This is huge, little brother.”
“Find me! Find me!” Ashton calls out.
“I’m looking for Ash. Have you seen him?” I ask her.
“Adrian!” Angel groans.
“Find me!” Ashton squeals.
Excitement colors Ashton’s voice, but it does the same for my sister. It drives me crazy sometimes, the way she thinks she’s my mom, but then I remember she’s the only person who’s ever really given a shit and I realize I’m lucky to have her.
“The test results might not matter. What if I don’t get the scholarship?”
She crosses her arms. Ashton keeps yelling “Find me” in the background. “You’re the smartest person I know. You had to write an essay for that scholarship. You’re a beautiful writer, Adrian. There’s no way you won’t get it.”
It feels good to make her proud. Good to know I’ll hopefully make them both proud. I’ve fucked up so much with Mom and then screwing around, when Angel took me in. Maybe this will make up for it all.